Like the other books in the Offensively Specific Dating Outside Your
Race series (Japanese Women: They'll Do What You Say, Indian Men: Smart
But I Guess They Have Tiny Penises, Black Chicks: I Wish They Would
Stop Shouting At Me) How
To Date a White Woman is advertised as "your one-stop shop" for
information on dating a particular ethnic subset of humanity (in this
case, White Women), but I found it sorely lacking in useful information.
Although I am white, I figured I'd be able to derive at least one or
two good tips on dating white women from this book, but this is
certainly not the case. Not only is this book Asian-Man-Centric, but it
also lacks depth. I found most of their advice to be blatantly obvious
(if not outright false): "White women don't like spiders", "White women
sometimes have difficulty opening jars", "White women who aren't
prostitutes get offended when you try to pay them for sex", the list
goes on and on.
As someone who recently dated a white woman, I can easily come up with
better tips than the ones in this book off the top of my head. So just
keep reading if you want to be let in on all the white women's secrets.
WHITE WOMEN LIKE TO GO PLACES/DO THINGS WITH YOU
This was one of the biggest hurdles I had to clear when dating a white
woman. She was constantly asking to go do things with me. It never
ended. A typical conversation would go something like this:
White Woman: "Let's go out to eat, we never go anywhere."
Me: "What? We just went to Perkins last month!"
WW: "I'm bored of sitting around the house all the time. Let's
Me: "But look! The Magic Bullet infomercial is on again! Can't
we just stay here and watch this while I lay on the floor and eat
goldfish crackers out of this cardboard carton and then you can fall
asleep and I'll go play videogames for 3 hours?"
WW: "Let's break up."
Me: "Hahahaha! I love the black and white part when the fruit
juice flies everywhere. What a mess! Should've gotten the Magic Bullet!"
WW: "I'm going to go date a man who likes football." *Leaves*
Me: "I'll pretend I don't care and start hating you in a futile
attempt to dull the pain!" *Goes on antidepressants*
So as you can see, white women can be a real handful!
ONLY WHITE WOMEN RIDE HORSES
9 times out of 10, if you ask someone to picture in their head a woman
riding a horse, they will picture a white woman. This is because only
white women ride horses. You might feel I'm stereotyping, but I'm not.
It's a fact.
Don't believe me? Do a Google
Image Search or Flickr
Search For "Woman Riding Horse", you'll see that every single
photo features a white woman. And though you might think you see one or
two American Indian women in there, trust me: you don't. Those are
simply white women in stereotypical "injun" garb. Real Native Americans
don't ride horses due to the fact that they are not white.
Also, here's a fun game: Go try to find a picture of a black woman on a
horse. Seriously. Do it right now. It's great because you can't. You
can't do it. It's impossible. Why?
Because only white woman ride horses, that's why.
IF THEY EVER SAY "I'M SO FAT", DON'T REPLY WITH "OH I DON'T MIND"
I learned this the hard way a while ago, and I was pretty surprised
they didn't include it in the book. It's a great tip, because like me,
many men might figure that it'd be reassuring for a white woman to know
that her boyfriend doesn't care about her weight, but apparently it
isn't. Not even a little bit. I've even tried adding, "I honestly
wouldn't even mind if you got fatter, I have pretty low standards when
it comes to that stuff." but it only seemed to make things worse.
Probably better just to leave it alone.
But anyway, for further reference, here's a list of other similarly
inappropriate (but completely honest) responses to make when a woman
(who actually IS sort of fat) complains about being fat:
- "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything but you could stand to lose
a bit around the face and neck."
- "Honestly it isn't even the weight that bothers me, it's the
- "I prefer to think of it as being 'more of you for me to love'.
Four to seven times more, to be exact."
- "Urk. (Feigns Vomiting)."
- "That's funny, a lot of the guys at work have been mentioning
that to me lately too."
- "Fine by me, I like 'em thick and juicy."
This book is pretty much worthless when it comes to tips on how to
score your own whitey. If you truly want to learn how white woman
function, I suggest getting yourself a par of inexpensive night-vision
goggles and engaging in a bit of good old-fashioned
stalking/masturbation. It's a fun, unobtrusive way to learn what makes
them tick, and who knows, you might just make a [white female] friend
or two along the way!