I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.
As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens.
Here are just a few titles I've got coming down the pipeline:
- Doctors Without Bulges: What To Do When Your Physician Is A Broad
- Mahogany & Alabaster: Coping With The Continued Existence Of Interracial Couples
- The Ceaseless Passing Of Gas
- Chariots Of Death: Don't Let Blindness And/Or Dementia Stop You From Driving
- Powder Blue Pants: A Buyer's Guide
- "Tastes Fine To Me": Why Adherence To Expiration Dates Is For Suckers
- Failing To Account For The Existence Of Inflation When Reflecting Aloud Upon How Inexpensive Consumer Goods Were 60+ Years Ago
- There's A Group Of Teenagers: Better Cross to The Other Side Of The Street
- Reading Billboards Aloud: Making It Work For You
- Assuring Familial Compliance Through Naggery
- Canes: They Aren't Just For Pimps & Cripples
- Infuriating Others By Pointlessly Narrating Your Actions As You Perform Them
- Taping Up Your Arm Flab In Such A Way That Nobody Will Notice
- Those Two Men Are Kissing: Gross
- Peering Through The Blinds: A Guide To Living Across The Street From Asians
- Feigning Interest: Why It Doesn't Matter If Your Grandchildren Are Doing It
So if you, (or someone you love) happens to be afflicted with elderlyness, I encourage you to keep an eye out for these handy guides at your local VFW, sleep apnea clinic waiting room, or rinkydink buffet luncheon hall.