Acclaimed Film Director Paul Haggis
I'm acclaimed film director Paul Haggis. I've written scripts for hit
family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of
Life, and [Hey,] Whose the Boss [Is This?]. Most recently, I penned
the script to the
(triple) Oscar winning film Crash which starred actors like Don
Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Keith David, Don Cheadle, and Don Cheadle.
While crash was a huge success, I was never quite satisfied with the
turned out. Due to pressure from studio bigwigs, I was forced to tone
down the "obscenely unrealistic characters & situations" and "dialogue so laughable it seems to have been written by someone who is completely unfamiliar with the way normal human beings speak or interact with one-another"(their
words), leaving my script toothless and ambiguous (the film is anti-racism, in case you were wondering).
So that's why I've decided to share my original vision for Crash with the world. Here's just a short excerpt. Hope you enjoy it.
By Martin "The Baron' Hubley
say money can't buy happiness, but obviously these folks
have never been rich! Yes, being filthy rich has been the dream of
every hot-blooded human being since pirate times, myself included! Due
to my higher-functioning brain, my dreams are EXTREMELY vivid
as well, so the money seems even more real! Often, I'll even wake up
crying from a particularly beautiful dream and feel ornery for the rest
of the day because I know I am trapped in the real world, and that
Drak'Thul (the magnificent gold city of dragons) no longer exists, and
that I can only visit it in my mind.
But I don't mean to bring y'alls down. Let's cheer up a bit by taking a
gaunder at the list of the top 10 things I would do with one million
I am a heterosexual male. Some time ago, I went to see a movie with my cousin (a man who is married to a woman and also heterosexual as far as I am aware). I hadn't eaten anything that day, so I decided to get two large orders of $76 nachos, a giant
Dr. Pepper, and several boxes of candy. All of this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially
because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am a big selfish fatty with no self-control.
But a funny thing happened when it came time for the clerk to distribute straws. Having done some calculations in his head, he decided to give us two straws (so we could "share", see?). Now at this point most of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, so what? Maybe he was a little presumptous, but no big deal. No harm done, right?" But I disagree. It WAS a big deal, and harm WAS done. Because what he did was discrimination. Discrimination against chronic overeaters of unhealthy garbage.
Obviously the kid saw what I was ordering and thought "Wow, that sure is an upsetting amount of food for one person to eat on their own. Either this guy is a disgusting, unhealthy pig who is gonna hoover up all this this artery-clogging slop himself, or these two are a gay couple and are planning on sharing. There's no way this guy is stupid enough to eat all this on his own. They must be normal, healthy homosexuals. So I'll just go ahead give them an extra straw." Outrageous.
So as you can see, despite all the progress that's been made towards equal rights in America, we as a nation still have a long way to go when it comes to human rights. Perhaps one day a borderline obese glutton such as myself will be able to go into a theater with another person and order absurd amounts of food without the clerk assuming they are going to share said food with said other person.
Oh, and speaking of human rights and assumptions made about others based solely upon their appearance...here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.
The clerk was screaming. Blubbering and sputtering and choking and I
swung again and again and again. Blood spattered my eyes and powerful
hate surged out through the red veil. I drew my arm back, the pipe
gripped solidly in my fist. In my head blazed his smirk. "We're all out
of Butterfinger" I heard him say again. "Did you want an Oreo Cookie
one instead?" I felt the vein in my neck pulse. The world darkened,
Through the haze I saw the arm come down. Watched in horror as the
heavy piece of lead drove itself into skull, marveling at
the wet cry and spray of blood and bone as it glistened in the air. For an instant, each nodule of blood was fleck of cream. The
bone fragments reformed themselves into a buttery orange chocolate-covered garnish. I slid forward, mouth open, reveling
as the gooey pieces oozed into my mouth and down my throat. Time
snapped back. The boy was on the floor, a dark pool spreading steadily
As a Doctor of Math, I often have to deal with a lot of the
misinformation that floats around about math. Whenever I hear a child
(or even an adult) make a claim like "Math is boring" or
"It's pointless to learn math" I just have to cringe. I then also have
to take the time out of my busy schedule to set the misinformed wretch
straight, which I also do not appreciate. But what else am I to do? Am
I to allow the good name of mathematics to be casually shat upon
without lifting a finger? Certainly not.
So, to set the record straight once and for all, I
recently invited members of the public to send me any pressing
questions or concerns they had about math. This way I could publish the
most common questions (along with my answers), and in doing so ensure
that the absolute beauty (and usefulness!) of mathematics could be
revealed to as many people as possible.
So, without further ado: Math!
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
kids and teens, here's a little math problem for you: Every day
1 million of people die from doing a drug. half of the population on
the earth is children. have you figured out the answer? That's right:
Half a million kids die every day because of drugs. Still say smoking
on a stick of Mary Jane is "cool"? I thought not.
But even after hearing this shocking stat, some of you might still
assume it's OK to take "just one" suck of dope. That it's fine to drink
"just one" cup of LSD. A few of you might even believe it's "alright"
to just eat "just one" piece of cocaine. But the path to drug addiction
is steep as a dragon's brow. Take just one step on it and suddenly
you've bought yourself a one-way ticket to losersvilles. One day you're
captain of the football group and the next you're on a street corner
selling your football champion trophy to buy more meth pills.
As a fully certified and 100% accredited A/V equipment Artificer, I've
always known deep in my heart that Monster Cables were an amazing
value. What I didn't realize is HOW amazing. I've conducted a
of research on home theatering during the many years that I've spent
serving my country as a technical videosystem and speaker wire
installer, but I had never looked into Monster Cables in-depth. That
is, until a year ago when I happened to come across Monster's premier
DVI cable with 24 Karat Gold Contact Connectors at a local Best Buy.
Needless to say, I was more than a little impressed! Gold is normally
quite expensive, but this cable was being sold for under $100! I
purchased three of them without hesitation.
I arrived home, hooked one up to my monitor, and turned it on. Upon
seeing what was on the screen, I nearly soiled myself with glee. Not
only was the image crystal clear, but my monitor was displaying more
colors than ever, colors I didn't even know existed! And not only that,
but my games and videos ran faster than ever. It was glorious. Ever
since that day, I haven't allowed anything BUT Monster Cables
home. It was the best decision I ever made, and in the following
article I hope to share with you my reasons for this.
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
salutations viewers! This is your old pal The Baron here, ringing in
the new year for one and all. I was thinking about the best way to
celebrate the fresh century and I came up with what I think is a pretty
darn fantastic idea: I would create a list of my favorite movies of
2009! So that's exactly what I did, I went through "fave films" section
my dream journal and picked out the rootinist, tootinist, shootinist
list of the greatest movies I had seen last in the old zero niner.
So grab a sack of butter and cover your heads, because Baron Marty's
about to drop some movie knowledge on yall's heads.