I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuck E. Cheese.
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you
choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly
successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser"
Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A
Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like
Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get
hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or
shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday,
and that's not something any parent wants.
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy
medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn
some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon
of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo
If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names
Of All Time.
I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting
galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I
only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human
race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental
disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't
important right now.
The photos are the reason we're all here, so let's get started.
Is the Q-Link
Pendant some ingenious scam, or do magical mass-produced
pendants with the ability to fight off diseases using invisible &
unmeasurable fields actually exist? These are the sorts of questions I
often find myself asking after receiving several blows to the head with
an industrial-grade titanium girder. Of course I don't mean to suggest
that only someone who has sustained severe damage to the frontal lobe
would believe that a small chunk of plastic and metal could actually
prevent or treat any disease--wait, actually maybe I do.
In any case, please have a look at the following article, in which I
discuss the features of the Q-Link pendant in the most evenhanded,
dignified, and unbiased way possible.
CURES MIGRAINES/REDUCES STRESS/CURES THE FLU/PREVENTS
COLDS/INCREASES HEIGHT OF DWARFS
Many people who wear EMF pendants like this one claim to have
experienced reduced chances of becoming ill, or even that the pendant
is responsible for "curing" a certain sickness. As I have no reason to
doubt the veracity of these outrageous and unprovable claims, I will
simply quote a few their actual "reviews" below and allow you to decide
for yourselves whether the people who wrote them are well-meaning,
intelligent people who've been duped by ingenious marketing, or simply
really huge idiots.
Within the first couple of weeks of wearing my q-link I
the headaches that I have suffered from since childhood had
disappeared, I also had much more energy and could get bye on much less
sleep. In the 2 1/2 years that I wore my q-link I never contracted a
cold once and don't suffer from jet lag anymore.
My wife has only worn hers for 4 days or so and the results
unbelievable. I notice she is much more calm, collected, and focused.
She seems to have high levels of energy, getting better sleep, and able
to focus on tasks better. I even notice her voice is softer and nicer.
I have often wondered if the Electromagnetic Fields were
migraines. EMF's are such a very real, yet invisable element in life,
especially here in the City.
I finally got a q-link for myself [and] have been migraine-free for
three months now, since I have been wearing the q-link...and
additionally, I have somehow stopped having insomnia for the first time
in ten years. I sleep like a rock - all night long.
[We] are three months into the flu season, too, and
neither of us, who wear the q-link, have been sick - usually we catch
everything that the season has to offer. (Knock on wood.) I am thankful
for the money I spent, and thankful for the people who applied quantum
physics to a practical application that is benefiting our lives.
So there you have it. It seems pretty obvious to me that this pendant
is the greatest single medical innovation since penicillin.
Q-LINK IS ENDORSED BY A NUMBER OF BALD EXPERTS*
Some people might tell you that the so-called "technology" behind
Q-Link pendants is nothing more than bullshit new age doublespeak
deliberately obscured behind an absurd layer of sciencey-sounding
marketing gibberish. This is wrong. It's a proven fact that Q-Link
pendants work because people have tested them in a bunch of real life
experiments and things like that.
If you don't believe me, just
look at all the bald experts who have clumsily recommended the
use of Q-Link on the Clarus Institute's website without receiving any
coaching or compensation of any kind.
Jure Robic: 2008 Bald Race Across America Winner
"Listen up fatties: I'm Jure Robic, the bulbous-headed winner of the
2008 Race Across America. You probably don't have a fucking clue what
the Race Across America is (or if it even exists at all) but to be
honest it doesn't really matter. I play sports so I know about medical
things. The Q-Link pendant helps my muscles pump faster by allowing a
higher concentration of oxygenated molecules and stimulant proteins to
reach my cells. What do you mean 'none of that even makes any sense'.
You have a lot to learn about the human body my friend. Q-Link,
Alex Shabelov: Bald American Chess Grandmaster
"Oh. Hello. I did not see you come in. I was simply playing chess by
myself on a wooden bench at an uncomfortably odd angle while reading
this book and prominently displaying my Q-Link Pendant on the outside
of my zip-up t-shirt when the Q-Link representative walked up and
snapped this candid photograph of me. But enough chit chat. The Q-Link
medallion changed my life. I used to be some punk who did not know what
a pawn even was. I thought the castle piece moved diagonal. What a
maroon I was. But now thanks to Q-Link magnet necklace, I am the the
Chess Master of the game Chess. Eat it science."
Ken Wilber: Bald President, The Integral Institute (AKA ZANDAR THE
"BEHOLD! I AM ZANDAR THE MAGNIFICENT! I SHALL RELAY THE TRUE SECRETS
OF THE Q-Link PENDANT TO YOU USING ONLY THE POWER OF MY MIIIIND! LOOK
INTO MY EYES MY DEAR. GAZE DEEEEP INTO MY EYES. THAT'S
RIGHT...YEEEEEES...VERY GOOD. NOW!
WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS YOU WILL BE WILLING TO PAY $80-160 FOR WHAT
APPEARS TO BE A SIX CENT BUTTON MAGNET INSIDE A PLASTIC HOUSING! AND
NOT ONLY THAT...BUT YOUR INABILITY TO COMPREHEND EVEN THE MOST BASIC OF
SCIENTIFIC THEORIES--ALONG WITH THE PLACEBO EFFECT--WILL CAUSE YOU TO
BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CURED OF A AN UNDIAGNOSED DISEASE, INCURABLE
EVERYDAY HUMAN ANNOYANCE, OR NONEXISTENT CONDITION.
YES TRULY THE Q-Link BRACELET IS A MODERN MARVEL OF QUANTUM MECHANICS
THAT CRIPPLED SCIENTIST STEVE HAWKLING WOULD BE PROUD OF. AVAILABLE AT
ALL SEARS AND ROBUCK STORES NOW TODAY."
* It should be noted that I use the term "Bald Expert" to
specifically describe experts who are also bald, nothing more. I do not
mean to imply that all bald people are experts, or even that all
experts are bald. The two may even be mutually exclusive for all I
know. So to clarify for any members of the bald community who may be
reading this: I respect you all as beautiful bald human beings and wish
you only the best in any bald endeavors you may undertake.
WARNING: Q-LINK MAY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BECOMING UNSTUCK IN TIME
AS OCCURRED IN THE EARLY 90S TELEVISION PROGRAM QUANTUM LEAP
Q-Link is making brave strides into uncharted scientific territory.
While there is no question that this endeavor will greatly benefit
humanity in the long run (and possibly change everything we think we
currently believe about the universe), it should be said that there
WILL be casualties along the way.
Science is not an exact science. When rogue Creation Scientist Jonas
Salk first began administering the Polio vaccine in 1884, it did little
to halt the unrelenting march of Poliosis. In fact, it actually caused
more cases of Polio than it cured. The liberals in power attempted
to stop him with the help of a secret society of violent assassins (The
Crimson Cowl), but he wend underground, remained steadfast in his
cause, and eventually Poliosis was all but eradicated. The same holds
true for EMF technology.
Q-Link pendants work by creating a quantum rift field around your body.
This field provides protection against the deadly electromagnetic
fields (from cellular phone towers, lightbulbs, digital clocks, and the
sun) which bombard our fragile bodies on a daily basis.
When a Q-Link pendant is utilized, this electromagnetism is normally
"bent" off into another dimension (where it dissipates harmlessly), but
on extremely rare occasions, a temporal singularity can be created.
This singularity has been known to bring about a number of unpleasant
effects, not least among which is the tendency for the wearer of the
Q-Link pendant to continuously be transported into the body of any
number of historically significant figures every 45 minutes.
One should always exercise extreme caution when operating the Q-Link
pendant. The Q-Link pendant should never be by those who are pregnant,
nursing, homosexual, religious in any way, on blood thinners, or by and
anyone who possesses kidneys. For more information on how the Q-Link
functions, visit your local library or congresswoman.
Thank you and goodnight.
When people think of California, they often think of brownouts,
laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant
melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the
tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your
dreams for all eternity.
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I
haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I
remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty
corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the
unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until
like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.
But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists,
Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling
self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work,
perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of
those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share
with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost
certainly help you feel better about who you are.
Surely somewhere on this planet there must be an album cover which is so outrageous and unintentionally
perverse, that if it were viewed, it would cause a tear in the very fabric of what
we know as reality, causing the
dimension in which we currently reside to fold in upon itself, and everything in the
the known universe to simply blink out of existence.
Thankfully for humanity, I haven't come across this particular album
cover yet. But here are 20 that come pretty close.
Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing
to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic
stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their
infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and
psychosis, women can be a real handful!
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly
Line #124038 have come up with THIS
KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all
those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their
buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the
"perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they
have chosen to become emotionally attached.