Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates
online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to
have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional
"slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two
intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is
beyond my comprehension.
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have
children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For
truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for
sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any
semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic
parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely
can't think of any.
But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of
parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely
So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.
The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that
means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech
support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine,
and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my
distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured,
heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving
than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice
into the gaping orifice of your souls!
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While
there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are
little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and
rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and
non-catholic pedophiles of the world, thus cleansing these hedonistic
lands of sin once and for all. We Christians prefer to take advice from
those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing
things in the godliest way possible.
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the
wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.
A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing
someone use the phrase "Let's Touch Base", are overcome by a nearly
uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the
speaker's neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop
which signifies a crushed trachea.
And who can blame them? The absurd language of "business" has no place
within a civilized society such as ours. In fact, I might even go so
far as to say that a brutal, fully-conscious strangulation may even be too
merciful a punishment for those who willingly use terms like "Team
Player" and "Think Outside The Box" without hint of shame or sarcasm.
But anyway, if you want to ensure you're not gonna be throttled to
death by some guy who doesn't like you talking like a corporate tool,
you should probably go ahead and check out this list of awful business
terms which fill me with an impotent rage.
There are two types of people in this world: Those Who Dress Up As
Characters From Obscure Japanese Animated Television Shows, and Those
Who Laugh At Those Who Dress Up As Characters From Obscure Japanese
Animated Television Shows. I reside firmly in the latter category,
although I must admit that I have likely dabbled in the former.
I only say this because I'm almost sure I dressed up in household
objects and pretended to be Voltron at some point during my childhood.
This is not nearly as embarassing as it may seem, because to be
fair...I was probably about six years old when I liked Voltron. Also I
was kind of a freak.
The following people, however, are adults, and thus cannot legally use
"I was a six-year-old" to explain why they choose to dress up as
characters from poorly written assemblyline cartoon shows from Japan
which are comprised almost solely of people jumping though the air with
swords and streaky lines behind them, gratuitous upskirt shots of
bluehaired toddlers holding guns, and scenes in which goggle-eyed,
helmeted futuresamurai gleefully violate women by backing futuristic
maglev monorails in and out of their vaginas.
Anyway, you might as well take a look at these pictures. It's not like you have anything better to do.
Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida
as much as I did in My Tourists Guides
For Other States. This is not because I
have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is
definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than
See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must
feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in
question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states
like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state
like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing
it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I
was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for
me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.
So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick
the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and
badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.
There's really no good way for me to preface a collection of images so
utterly devoid of context, sanity, or coherency, but I'll give it a
shot anyhow: Here are twenty brainmelting illustrations from what I believe
to be a series of blackmarket Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle novels from
Russia. As you can probably see from the image above, it is extremely
difficult to explain most of them in words.
Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if your head explodes while
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.
In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).
A few weeks ago, a man became inexplicably enraged by one of my idiotic
articles and wrote in to gleefully point out to me (amongst other
things) how much much of a moron I was, and used a spelling error I had
made in the opening paragraph of the article to reinforce this point.
While I will certainly grant to this gentleman that I am, in fact, "a
fucking jackass who has no idea what the fuck he is talking about", I
do take issue with being called a moron simply because I misspelled the
word "immediately". It's not that I dispute my moron-ness, but I just
feel that there are plenty of other [far more] valid reasons to call my
intelligence and writing ability into question.
I would propose that "accidentally forgetting to spellcheck something
because I was high on amphetamines when I edited it"
does not make me moron. It may make me irresponsible, and possibly a
prescription drug addict. But a moron? I think not.
But if you'll excuse me, I have to use this sentence to link this
semirelated intro to the
hastily thrown-together "Funny Headline Mistakes" article below. There.