Snapple Facts: Madness

Facts Madness Now here are some more snapple facts. These particular items come courtesy of the patients at Bethlem Royal Hospital's mental ward. They've worked very hard to bring you these, so I hope you have a grand old time! Thanks and be sure to have your pets spayed and neutered.

Worthless Guide to Security Guards

Security Many hurtful things have been said about security guards over the years: They’re nothing but uneducated whiteboys on a power trip! They’re lazy bigots who couldn’t cut it as cops! All they do is sit at a desk all day popping pills and fondling themselves gently while frowning at a dog-eared and slightly moist copy of Maxim! Certainly these are some pretty outrageous claims to make, but I have to say that in my years working security I found them to be surprisingly accurate. But let’s try and see if we can’t reveal the true nature of security guards.

Snapple Facts: Kids

Kids facts Did you know that Snapple now has a line of fruit drinks for children? Instead of having "fun facts" under the caps, they feature a number of child safety tips. Here are some suggestions I have for extra tips that might help a kid out. Once again, Snapple had better not try to steal these from me.

Part 1 - Classic Facts
Part 2 - Kids Facts

Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Crime Have you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman over the head for kicks. It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of you considering a life if crime.

...And Crackling Skies of Contumacious Flame

Smokey Bear It begins with a match. A spark. Birthed of sulfur it sputters and burns. Bringing the spreading smoke. Down into throats and lungs; burning and clogging and choking and squeezing. Searing rains of black ash fill skies; simmering and grey with death. Somewhere, in the cold dark, a child screams. Flames creep from the corners a room, gliding eagerly up and over the covers of the bed. Flames cradle him; embrace him; destroying all he is and all he might have been.

Snapple Facts: Classic

Phony Snapple Snapple brand drink is a very popular drink. There are fun facts on the caps of Snapple brand drinks. Here are some of my favorite fun facts from the caps of Snapple brand drinks. If Snapple sees this: Hands off. These are my own ideas. Don't you dare try putting them on your Snapple website or there'll be trouble. I am (probably) not some corporate whore.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2 Alright, I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff about table manners.