Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide


By Henry

For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living
in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking
the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person
a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may
never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning
something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research
I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 1: Restrooms

Bathroom

By Kevin

Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider
to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock
over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there
are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth
before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when
you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you
want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your
time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous
article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please
continue.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies

Mummy

By Henry

Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is
likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures
which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have
been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on
display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one
or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into
some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just
learn a thing or two about mummies.

Sainted / Tainted 1: Busrides & Watery Graves

Sainted / Tainted


By Kevin

Helping
a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no
law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while
simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the
Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that's how! Here are a
few selected entries we've compiled from the most prestigious papers
around the globe.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1.5: Werewolf Q&A

Wolfy

By The Baron

Werewolves are intriguing creatures, and like most other monsters there
is a lot of misinformation floating around about them. Luckily I have
been asked to shed some light on the subject in this series of monster
Q&As, beginning with werewolves (also see the werewolf guide HERE).
They have also asked world renowned "monster expert" Art Crumb to
co-author these articles with me. Frankly, I'm a bit offended by this,
as I have had personal experiences and actually seen nearly every type
of monster before (including werewolves). Some of my close friends even
refer to me as "The Beastmaster". Impressive, no?

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 3: Higher Still

Drugs 3

By Henry

Fact: Not all drugs are illegal. Every year Americans spend more than
38 dollars on safe and effective over-the-counter drugs such as
aspirin, cough syrup, energy drinks, and cigarettes. These four legal
drugs alone provide us humans with relief from some important symptoms
(Headaches, coughs, low energy, and not hacking up blood due to
cancerous lung polyps). This article covers the effects and histories
of legal drugs like caffeine, tobacco, and cocaine (Note: Obviously
cocaine isn’t actually legal, but that ruins the intro so just play
along). Oh, and if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I think you should do that now because otherwise you won’t understand what’s going on with the plot.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1: Werewolves

Werewolf

By Henry
Fear. Fear is the one and only thing which separates humans from beasts
and inanimate objects.
But what does man fear most? You guessed it: Monsters.
In this series of articles we’ll travel through the human brain and
learn the history of the most popular monsters in the world, hear
evidence of their existence, and learn how to defeat them in combat.

Worthless Guide to Antisocialism

Anti

By M. Anger

You don't like to be bothered, but someone just won't leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could
drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of
clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them
in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane
ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and
why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s
an easier way of being left alone, it's called being antisocial, and it
doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his
makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop
yammering on about his daughter.  Read on to learn more about the
methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.

Halo 3 Review

Halo

By Tommy
I wrote a email to this website about how much I like halo 3. The nice
man who run this website asked if I could write a thing for this
website about what I thought of it because I had an interesting
per-spec-tive (had to look that up) about it. He says he will put it up
and put pictures for it too. I said that sounds like a fun plan
but I don’t write so good. He said it’s alright tommy just do your
best.