Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Crime

Have
you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up
a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a
lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I
would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as
cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about
performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman
over the head for kicks.
It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of
you considering a life if crime.

...And Crackling Skies of Contumacious Flame

Smokey Bear

It begins with a match. A spark. Birthed of sulfur it sputters and
burns. Bringing the spreading smoke. Down into throats and lungs;
burning and clogging
and choking and squeezing. Searing rains of black ash fill skies;
simmering and grey with death. Somewhere, in the cold dark, a child
screams. Flames creep from the corners a room, gliding eagerly up and
over the
covers of the bed. Flames cradle him; embrace him; destroying all he is and all he
might have been.

Snapple Facts: Classic

Phony Snapple

Snapple brand drink is a very popular drink. There are fun facts on the
caps of Snapple brand drinks. Here are some of my favorite fun facts
from the caps of Snapple brand drinks. If Snapple sees this: Hands off.
These are my own ideas. Don't you dare try putting them on your Snapple website or there'll be
trouble. I am (probably) not some corporate whore.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2

Alright,
I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the
world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard
one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in
Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead
of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you
thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff
about table manners.

The Baron's Novel Revealed!

Logo

Greetings and saltations friends. This is your friend The Baron here
with another update for you. What was this update sparked by you might
ask? Well first of all it is my love of the written word. Nothing gives
me greater satisfaction than knowing my writing is bringing joy to
thousands of people on the internet. But mostly this update is sort of
a reward for an email I recently received. It isn’t often I get
positive feedback (this is the wretched interweb after all) but when I
do I like to share the good will with everyone. What follows is the
lovely email of to which I was referring to:

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

Dating

It
seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these
days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and
craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming
Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I
am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m
here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a
shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter
something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political
correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

Video: Awful Film Fights

I have an affection for “bad” films and television shows. I suppose I get
a sick sort of joy seeing unskilled people trying very earnestly to
accomplish something and failing spectacularly at it. But anyway, while
watching the uninspired fights in many these movies I often found
myself wondering if they couldn't have been made more entertaining with
a more dramatic soundtrack. So I decided to find out, and added new
music to fights from Silent Rage,
Walker: Texas Ranger,
Bruce Lee Fights Back
from the Grave
, American
Ninja 3
, and Kickboxing
Academy
. I think the results speak for themselves.