A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that
you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you
talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure,
unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand
somewhere in the middle.
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but
it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about
anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to
modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used
that as my writing mantra.
So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on
a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the
remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors,
and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the
end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also,
on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article
in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which
If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be
Okay, look: I realize I've already milked Two
photo galleries out Stick Figure Warning Signs Which Are Occasionally
Difficult To Understand. I realize that. But times are tough, you
know? What can I say. I found a bunch more pictures of messed-up street
signs I liked, so I figured, hey: Why not organize them into gallery
format and display them on the internet?
So I did, and here they are.
of my fellow Brothers In Christ, I was shocked, saddened, and outraged
when I heard that the US Government was going to allow the new
megaviolent animated videogame Bulletstorm to be released. This comes
even after Child Advocate and Actual Medical Doctor Carole Lieberman
(in an interview on Fox News) proved conclusively that violent
videogames cause rape by claiming that they did.
When pressed for "evidence" to back up her claims, she was unable to
produce even a single shred. This of course led to cries of
"irresponsible journalism" and "fear-mongering" amongst pro-rape
advocates in the gaming industry, but the more educated among us know that those who constantly
clamor for reputable scientific studies to back up what appear to be
unsubstantiated and outrageous claims are missing the point: Violent
videogames exist, and until they are successfully banned, our children
will continue commit acts of violence, torture, embezzlement, and
premarital sexual assault.
But what of Bulletstorm specifically? Is this game truly as
reprehensible as so many have claimed? The answer, of course, is a
wholehearted and undeniable "yes."
I find a lot of weird and insane photos from various places online that
I find myself unable (for whatever reason) to fit into an article.
These are normally just stored away on my harddrive until being
deleted, but I can't help but feel that this is a terrible waste.
So rather than run the risk of allowing these pictures (pointless and
irrelevant as they may be) to be forever lost in the ether of
cyberspace, I have decided to post them here, where they could
hypothetically be viewed by all who wish to enjoy them.
What can I say, I"m big into philanthropy.
Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of "Top 10" articles
on the internet is either A. The
surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling
harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and
looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in a dumb old
Which of these theories is correct? I'm afraid I don't really know. But
as a respected Orthopedic Surgeon and Semiretired Professor of Internet
Sociology I do feel that I am uniquely equipped to explain to
you the reasons for the proliferation of Top 10 Lists. And
although I could easily summarize these reasons in one or two
sentences, I feel it is my obligation as an Internet Content Creator to
needlessly dilute them by stretching them out into a Top 10 List
So here are (in no particular order) the Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10
Lists Are So Popular.
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly
continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me
the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much,
and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to
figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to
guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
- Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and
- I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting
social codes I disapprove of.
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but
in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do.
What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to
get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to
actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes,
Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out
of shaking someone's hand.
A good online writer will use an introductory paragraph like this one
to give readers a brief overview of what the attached article is about
in an entertaining fashion. This encourages "click throughs" to the
main text, and ensures that the article gets as many pageviews (and
therefore generates as much advertising revenue) as possible.
It should be obvious that the text you are reading right now is an
example of an extremely poor introductory paragraph. It is overlong,
plainly written (yet not elegantly so), contains little to no useful
information, and fails to make even the slightest attempt at capturing
the interest of someone who may have stumbled across it accidentally. I
suppose I could try to counteract some of this by begging you to
continue reading ("Please, please, please, just scroll through and take
a look! I've spent oh so much time and effort on this highly
entertaining piece, it'd be a shame if you passed it up!"), but this is
impossible, as it is not in my nature to lie.
If I wanted to I could backtrack, here, at the very last second, by
cramming in some kind of half-assed segue linking this intro to the
content below, but I think I'd derive far more satisfaction out of
abruptly ending this sentence after implying that I was about to do so,
so let's find out.*
It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old.
Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to
see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of
the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many
positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh
the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to
the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people"
My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many
pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious,
and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers
because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me
"just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons
why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.