Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 2: Ups & Downs


By Henry

Part 1
of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs
(Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether
or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the
secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can
redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also,
for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for
their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.

Socks & Sandals: Retribution


By Jones

Satan. Beelzebub. Steve. The Dark One has many names and many faces,
all of which are intended to deceive the common man. If ever it comes
to pass that you find yourself locked into a life or death battle with
this specter of evil, I can give you but one piece of advice: Step on
his foot, for he will surely be wearing stockings on sandaled feet. But
what could possibly possess The Devil (or anyone for that matter) to
wear socks with sandals? This is one of the many questions I hope to
answer in this thirty-six and ten part series Socks & Sandals: Transitive Beguilement and Substantiational Value Judgements!

The Detective

Chapter 2,223

Detective Trevor Whipple sat at his desk eating a sandwich. Suddenly there came a knock on his office door.

"Who is it?" asked the detective, wiping the blood from his mouth and setting the severed head down gently.

"It's Daniel," said a voice outside the door.

The Detective stood and pulled up his pants, tucking in his shirt.

America: An Inferior Primer


By Henry
The United States of America. Land of the free. Home of the Brave.
House of 1,000 Corpses. A world untouched by time. Some people call it
“The Happiest place on earth”. Others refer to it as
“Old usa (OO-SAH)”. But what is the real story behind the
most powerful nation in the universe? That’s what our crack team
of undercover investigators set out to uncover. Did they succeed?
Reading this article is the only way to find out! (This is what I call
“teasing the story”) Here’s a quick history of U S
and A.

Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 3: Real Life


By The Baron

is a difference between thinking you are funny, and knowing you are.
For example, a lot of kids in high school thought they were pretty
hilarious when they called me Fatchunk or threw a bean burrito at me
from across the room during lunch. These people thought they were funny
and they weren’t. I on the other hand, KNOW I am funny. Just mention
The Baron on any of the message boards I am most popular on, and they
will surely type out a hearty “LOL” upon even thinking about my various
jinks (high and low). But I’m not here to brag; I’m writing in
this third comedy article to educate the internet public about
something they do not truly understand: Comedy. So sit back, open a
sack of your favorite chips, and get ready to laugh.

Terrible Old Video Card Box Roundup


By M. Anger

you’ve ever purchased a video card there’s a good chance you’ve noticed
something about the boxes they come in: They are really, really stupid.
Sure, there are a few vendors who go out of their way to try to use a
nice-looking (or at least somewhat respectable) image for the front of
their box, but the majority of these packages look more like they
contain a cheap Korean squirt gun from the dollar store than a 300
dollar computer part. You don’t have to look very hard to find reviews
for the cards themselves, but I haven’t seen anybody review the boxes
themselves before. I have the feeling this is because people think it
would be a complete waste of time, both for the reader and the author.
Sounds great to me!


Become a Real Private Investigator For Free (Online Class)

If you watch daytime television, you've almost certainly seen some of the many advertisements for various technical colleges. Many of these schools claim to be able to educate you in the field of “private investigation”. This is false. Technical colleges have never been accredited in the field of private investigation. Such programs are scams and would surely be outlawed if our elected officials weren't in the pockets of "Big Tech". But all is not lost. Fortunately for you, I'm a fully ordained private investigator, and I also have a teaching degree in this field as well. So I set out to answer the most common questions about being a private eye for FREE (a 700 dollar value).


Worthless Guide to Ghosts


If you’ve ever visited a haunted house, you probably think you
have a good idea of what ghosts are and what they're capable of. If this is the case, you're in for a rude awakening, because brother: Real-life ghostings have as much in common with carnival ghost houses as a composition book full of beastiality drawings has with a slightly newer composition book of a different color whose pages are not yet defiled with beastiality drawings. Which is to say: Not much.

So prepare to be scared senseless. Yes, even the most skeptical of skeptics will be chilled to the bone by the "scare-raising" scientific facts and scenarios contained herein. Oh, and before we begin, here's a word of advice: To get the full effect of this article, you should probably turn on some spooky-time ghost-time music to play in the background. I
recommend using either one of those Halloween sound-effects tapes or the soundtrack
to the smash-hit Shaquille O'Neil vehicle Kazaam. And lest you believe that's just some lame "kooky" ironic random pop-culture reference to a garbage movie: It isn't! The truth is that the idea of listening to Shaquille O’ Neil do some genie-based rapping never ceases to give me chills. You know, like...ghosts!

Swoosht! Basketball rim net jam! Game, set, and match. Now let's do this thing. 

How To Choose a Good Online Name


By M. Anger

In the world of online games, nobody knows who you are, so you’re
free to create whatever sort of online persona you can possibly
imagine. It’s like you’re getting personality test results
about each person you meet online. But as usual, when the general public is given complete freedom to do whatever they want
creatively they will immediately squander this freedom by creating the
same worthless garbage which comprises 98% of all user-generated
content. This article addresses that garbage.