Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2

Alright,
I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the
world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard
one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in
Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead
of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you
thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff
about table manners.

The Baron's Novel Revealed!

Logo

Greetings and saltations friends. This is your friend The Baron here
with another update for you. What was this update sparked by you might
ask? Well first of all it is my love of the written word. Nothing gives
me greater satisfaction than knowing my writing is bringing joy to
thousands of people on the internet. But mostly this update is sort of
a reward for an email I recently received. It isn’t often I get
positive feedback (this is the wretched interweb after all) but when I
do I like to share the good will with everyone. What follows is the
lovely email of to which I was referring to:

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

Dating

It
seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these
days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and
craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming
Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I
am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m
here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a
shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter
something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political
correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

10 Things to do Before You Die: Part 2

Bear Fight

Hello
and welcome to part two in our one part series: “Ten Things to do
Before you Die”. In PART ONE we let three lovely people give us their
list of the top ten things that everyone should do before they die, and
wouldn’t you know it? This section features more of the same crap. Have a
blast.

James Rimwald

James Rimwald – Bus Driver

  1. Produce and direct an episode of Green Acres
  2. Sabotage an expensive piece of equipment
  3. Litter in a national park
  4. Watch all three Extended Editions of the Lord of the Rings films in a row because you are an idiot
  5. Fail to read even a single word written by Earnest Hemmingway
  6. Bend time and space with your mind
  7. Yawn while viewing one of the 7 Wonders of the World
  8. Clip a motorcyclist with your car
  9. Throw momma from the train
  10. Block a street with a bus during the Running of the Bulls
Mort Sully

Mort Sully – Child Psychologist

  1. Laugh in a police officer’s face
  2. Invent a hot new dance
  3. Roll your eyes while watching a popular film
  4. Leap from a moving vehicle
  5. Go on a long hike and begin to regret it almost immediately
  6. Stop being afraid of brown people
  7. Overturn a table during an important college test
  8. Frighten a small child
  9. Read the entire Bible aloud to a small child
  10. Years
    later, visit the child in the psychiatric wing of a prison after
    investigators have finally caught up with them and charged them with
    all twenty-six gruesome murders
Jamie Price

Jamie Price – Animal Trainer

  1. Set off tear gas in a crowded marketplace
  2. Wrongfully accuse a director Michael Bay of a sexual crime
  3. Have an unwanted child out of wedlock
  4. Open an ill-advised small business
  5. Speak with an Asian ghost
  6. Crack some skulls
  7. Wear a pair of Sketchers shoes until they fall apart (2 months)
  8. Vehemently argue with a cashier over 68 cents
  9. Burst out laughing at a children’s play
  10. Sit astride a mighty gryphon and reign vengeance down upon all who would dare oppose you

I
thank you for opening your lives and your hearts to these wonderful
individuals and their opinions. I invite all of you to join our
continuing roundtable discussion on living life to its fullest by
dialing 1-777-654-LIVE. That’s 1-777-654-9999. Blessings.

Worthless Guide to Playing Guitar

Guitar Kid

Ever
since I was a small child I’ve dreamt of being a rock star. One of my
fondest childhood memories is dancing in front of our television,
rocking out with a broken broom to a Whitesnake music video my father
was watching. “Boy,” he said to me, taking a drag from one of his brown
paper (and likely PCP laced) Sherman cigarettes, “Getthefug outta the
way and stop mincing around like a goddamn fa**ot.” Then he threw a
half-empty beer can at my head and I ran off crying. From that moment I
knew I was destined for greatness. Sure enough, soon I was swaying back
under the white hot lights of the stage, noodling at a cheap guitar and
barely able to stand because my blood was almost pure heroin. So now
that you’re aware of my own rock credentials, let’s see about helping
you get started with your own.

10 Things to do Before You Die

Ride Pig

Who the hell comes up with these “Things to do before
you die” lists. Swim with dolphins? Spend New Years Eve in Times
Square? Stay out dancing all night? You have got to be kidding me with
that crap. I figured I could find better, so I took to the streets and
asked six fascinating folks from different walks of life to create
their
own lists of Ten Things everyone should get done before they kick off. We hope you’ll take
some of them into consideration and begin living life to its fullest!

Sherbie Copes

Sherbie Copes – Caricaturist

  1. Carve a shiv out of soap
  2. Heckle the Dalai Lama
  3. Make them pay for what they’ve done
  4. Steal from a homeless person
  5. Fail to ask a woman out because of gnawing fear
  6. Point a rifle at someone you love
  7. Shout at a foreign waiter
  8. Cheat in a marathon
  9. Visit Te Awamutu (Wherever the F*** that is)
  10. Look into a child’s eyes and see the despair of a thousand generations reflected there
Susanna Hardnotch

Susanna Hardnotch - Janitor

  1. Snort cocaine off the hood of a car
  2. Purposely spill hot coffee on your groin and sue
  3. Become frustrated with an illiterate
  4. Buy a guitar and never really attempt to learn to play it
  5. Play a portable video game at a concentration camp
  6. Expose yourself on live national television
  7. Throw something of value into the crater of a volcano
  8. Gleefully cut down a very old tree
  9. Stand next to the speakers at a rock concert
  10. Enjoy being deaf now, you goddamned idiot

Francis James

Francis James - Production Manager

  1. Make a disparaging remark about the Irish, and mean it
  2. Kill and eat an endangered animal
  3. Smear feces across the hood of a brand new Corvette
  4. Feign illness
  5. Get married and before you’re old enough to know what you truly want
  6. Get divorced (Can’t say I didn’t warn you)
  7. Swear deliberately in the presence of a clergyman
  8. Watch the Super Bowl and pretend not to be bored
  9. Heave urine-filled beach balls from a hot air balloon
  10. Take mushrooms and wander wide-eyed through a casino

Wow,
wasn't that beautiful? Sometimes it just takes someone outside of your
life to really make you say "Huh, I don't care, thanks for wasting my
time." Make sure to also keep an eye out for Part 2 of this series,
coming sometime to somewhere. Nobody cares.

Edit:
Alright, here is PART 2.