Awful Halloween costumes are like a wellspring of awfulness that never
seems to run dry. Just when you feel like you've discovered all the ridiculous and borderline offensive costumes the internet has to offer, more
are certain to come bubbling to the surface like solid waste in a
freshly-stirred septic tank.
So here are twenty of the freshest and most ferociously terrible
costumes I could drum up without expending much effort.
To me, animals seem pretty gullible. Not just like how dogs always fall
for the "pretend to throw a ball" trick either. I mean how whenever a
superhero gets the ability to communicate with animals, the animals
always do whatever he says. What, just because he now speaks your
language you're suddenly willing to drop what you're doing and attack
whoever he says? Some people have a lot nerve.
If I were a group of
wandering badgers, and some human tried to boss me around, I'd just
laugh and crawl back into my badger cave or wherever. Who are you to
me? Some human who throws rubbish in the forest. Get lost.
But I guess I'm not a group of wandering badgers, so maybe I'll just
keep my fat mouth shut.
"Ah, this is the life," I said, settling into my easy chair and taking
a sip of orange drink, "Not a care in the world."
I glanced at the clock. 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my
teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle
sequence erupted on screen. I rocked and squirmed in my chair, punching
the air and feeling every blow. Captain Niros kicked a bandit in the
face, sending him tumbling to the bottom of a steep incline, where he
was graphically impaled on a number of jagged rocks. Suddenly the title
card appeared: "Legendary Journey". I cheered, pumping my fist, and
cleared my throat in anticipation of the theme song.
Click, went the television, changing to channel 46. The intro to a
funniest videos program blared from the speakers.
"Um, excuse me," I said, to no one in particular, "I was watching that."
Oh Japan! Is there nothing about you that isn't unnessecarily quirky?
Here are a number of actual "Smoking Manners" signs which were/are
posted around Japan for no good reason.
I hope you find them as brow-furrowingly fascinating as I did.
Ho hum. Just another boring week of puppies being tossed at motorcycle
gangs, cocaine-addicted funeral directors gyrating in the nude, 60 foot
tall flaming Jesuses, library/condiment crime sprees, human head
smugglers, nearly indecipherable alien abduction stories, and ice cream
man turf wars.
If only something strange or mildly humorous would occur.
I've always been a big fan of As Seen On TV gadgets. Not in a "wow,
this stuff is actually pretty cool and useful" sort of way though. It's
more like an "Oh my god, this is the most hilarious piece of crap I
have ever seen, I can't even believe it" kind of thing. Even at their
very best, infomercial products often offer nothing more than a
slightly more expensive way to accomplish a task which wasn't really
all that important in the first place (I am looking directly at you,
Magic Bullet). Of course, this very fact is exactly what makes them so
So let's take a look at four of the dumbest infomercialesque products
currently on the market: The Backup, Instant Arm Lift, The Freedom
Tray, and Jingle Jugs. Yeah, I know! Even the names are fantastic.
It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all
videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts
of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality,
only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this
description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.
Also, this really only applies to these men while they're
playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if
not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where
they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a
game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely
will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than
not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place
before The Ragestate occurs.
This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition
(and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this
This week: A(nother) woman rips off her boyfriend's testicle and chews
on it, graves are double booked, children seem to attempt suicide, nuns
grow marijuana, and nude men claiming to be Jesus act as crazy as they
are expected to.
All of these stories, links, and so very much more has been made
available to you after the break.