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Ray Kroc (the
ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of
McDonalds
), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as
someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
 
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have
coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to
clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about
Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc
decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other
favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and
"You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not
have endeared him to the public quite as much.
 
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here
are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably
didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.

 

HE MAY HAVE FEASTED UPON ABORTED FETUSES

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During a visit to Kroc's home in 1973, biographer Marion Lipton leaned
against a bookcase in Kroc's study, which slid open to reveal a
dimly-lit spiral staircase. Lipton descended these stairs, followed a
long, sloping hallway, and eventually came to large torchlit cavern.
After his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Lipton claimed to have
seen Kroc perched on a large pile of tiny bones, devouring what
appeared to be "an aborted human fetus, steamed to perfection, and
slathered in Secret Sauce". Lipton fled back up the stairs and out of
the house in a terrified frenzy.
 
Kroc never did let on that he was aware of this intrusion, and in fact,
unbeknownst to his customers, Kroc changed the recipe of his world
famous burgers to utilize 38% Foetal meat in 1978. The company received
no complaints about the change until 1980, when a customer nearly
choked on a gnarled metal coathanger. This in turn sparked an FDA
investigation of Kroc's meat packing and manufacturing plants.
 
These investigations turned up many troubling things (ritualistic
beatings of employees, compulsory cocaine use, etc) but by far the most
controversial of these was the discovery of the crude "abortionary
harvesting machines" into which pregnant migrant workers (inseminated
against their will by members of upper management) were fed into in
order that their fetuses might be harvested and be used as meat filler
product.
 
The resulting backlash against the chain caused Kroc to publicly pledge
impermanent, 10% reduction in embryonic detritus in McDonald's burgers
over the next 10 years. As Kroc claimed to be a man of his word, he
likely kept this promise.
 
 

HE "TAUGHT RESPONSIBILITY" TO MILLIONS OF IRRESPONSIBLE POOR PEOPLE

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When Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary decided to define "McJob"
as "a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little
opportunity for advancement") in its pages, McDonald's then CEO took
umbrage, stating that a better definition would be "Teaches
Responsibility". I wholeheartedly agree.
 
The poor shouldn't be paid "a wage which would allow them to live" or
given "proper health insurance". This is communism. What the working
poor really need is a billionaire to teach them the ways of the world.
As such, McDonald's performs an invaluable service to the community by
teaching wretched, uneducated poor people important life lessons such
as:
 

  • You Should Probably Come To Work On Time
  • Press The Button And Make Food Cooking Go
  • Most Daycares Cost More Than You Can Make Here
  • Stealing Is Bad, So Don't Do It
  • You Can Still Probably Qualify For Welfare
  • Why Would We Keep Giving You Raises When We Can Just Trump Up A
    Reason To Fire You And Hire Someone New?

 
So as you can see, if McDonald's wasn't there to teach them
responsibility, the working poor would be stealing, talking out of
turn, coming late to all their appointments, and leaving all their toys
out on the living room floor. That's certainly not a world I'd want to
live in, and I'd like to thank Mr. Kroc for assuring it will never come
to be.
 
 

HE SHARED HIS MILLIONS WITH HIS EMPLOYEES

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Well, all except for five or six hundred million. But to be fair, the
emoployees probably didn't need any of it anyway, what with the amazing
benefits and pay they were recieving.

While it's true that the business model Mr. Kroc pioneered is often
critizised for the extremely low wages, laughably insubstantial
benefits, little to no opportunity for advancement, and utter lack of
job security it affords it's employees, I think you'll find that most
of this criticism is all but unfounded.
 
Prepare to be educated:

Low Wages

McDonald's does not pay low wages. In most cases, they even pay more
than the federal minimum wage ($7.25/Hour)! A full-time McDonald's
employee would make more than $15,000 per year before taxes! You can't
deny that 15,000 is a fairly large number.

Poor Benefits

Excuse me, but McDonald's offers some pretty amazing benefits to its
employees. Their "best value" plan costs only $60 per month and will
pay out up to $2000 dollars PER YEAR! That's a great value. To put this
in perspective, if you get sick or injured, you'll be able to stay in
the hospital for 1-3 days before your insurance runs out! And it'll
only have cost you $720 in insurance premiums (plus the unpaid days
sick days you had to take off). Talk about a great value.

Complete Lack Of Job Security

As long as you are able to perform your job without ever making a
single mistake, you should be just fine.

Little To No Opportunity For Advancement

Not true! McDonald's employees have plenty of opportunities for
advancement: They can be promoted to a management position, open their
own McDonald's franchise (provided they have $45,000 lying around), Dress
Like A Ninja & Rob Their Own Store
,  or even Begin
Selling Marijuana At The Drive-Thru
.
 
So next time someone suggests you take a job at McDonald's, don't turn
your nose up and scoff. Fill out an application. It might just be the
best decision you ever make.

 

RAY KROC MAY HAVE TAKEN IT RAW FROM HORSES

I once heard a rumor that Ray Kroc was a "card-carrying member of the
Third Reich who kept three heavily muscled stallions around to pleasure
him sexually." Is this true? Who knows. Anything is possible. But I
feel it is my duty as an American citizen to report any and all rumors
which I happen to hear, regardless of the possible damage they may do
to a person's reputation. I shall leave it up to you to decide. Does
this look like the face of a man who enjoys being violated by a horse?

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Please record your answer on a 3x5 card and mail it to:
 

Did Ray Kroc Take It Raw From Horses?
1224 West Alameda Avenue
Los Angeles, California 90062

 
Entries must be postmarked by July 14th 2001. No purchase required.
Contest rules subject to change without notice. Employees of McDonald's
Corporation and their families are excluded from this offer.
 
 

CAME UP WITH SLOGAN: "IF YOU'VE GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU'VE GOT TIME
TO CLEAN"

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As I said in the opening paragraph, I am not a big fan of this phrase,
but it does provide a pretty accurate idea of how Mr. Kroc's employees
were (and are) treated. So listen up, [the corpse of] Ray Kroc, cause
if you think rhyming "leaning" with "cleaning" is clever, here's a
fresh take on that old favorite that'll blow your mind:

 
If you've got time to order us to clean, you've got time to pick up
a goddamn broom yourself.

 
How's that for a motto, you moonfaced fuck? In case you haven't
noticed, while you've been counting your millions and chain smoking
your shriveled, carcinomic lungs out in your air-conditioned office all
day, we've been out here listening to 50 kids screech as they shove
McNugget after McNugget into their chunky little faces while their
obese father leers at the ass of the handicapped girl you've got
scrubbing ketchup stains off the floor.
 
Don't fool yourself, people know when they're doing busywork, and they
know why they're doing it. To make you and the rest of your
shrivelled-up jerky-skinned ogres in upper management look good. But
what you have to realize is that any pleasure you might derive from
seeing your employees "busy" is going to be offset by the hatred
they'll feel for you, the money and food they steal from your stores,
and the carelessness with which they perform their jobs.
 
But I guess none of this matters so long as the customers keep stuffing
their faces and the cash keeps rolling into the executive bank
accounts, right? It is the American way, after all.

So God Bless America, and God Bless You Ray Kroc, you wonderful son of
a bitch.

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"If any of my competitors were drowning, I'd
stick a hose in their mouth and turn on the water. I'll kill 'em, and
I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. " -Ray Kroc

 

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