5 Offensive, Outrageous, & Possibly Fictional Things You May Not Have Heard About Ray Kroc

Ray Kroc (the ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of McDonalds), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
 
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and "You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not have endeared him to the public quite as much.
 
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.
 

HE MAY HAVE FEASTED UPON ABORTED FETUSES

During a visit to Kroc's home in 1973, biographer Marion Lipton leaned against a bookcase in Kroc's study, which slid open to reveal a dimly-lit spiral staircase. Lipton descended these stairs, followed a long, sloping hallway, and eventually came to large torchlit cavern. After his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Lipton claimed to have seen Kroc perched on a large pile of tiny bones, devouring what appeared to be "an aborted human fetus, steamed to perfection, and slathered in Secret Sauce". Lipton fled back up the stairs and out of the house in a terrified frenzy.
 
Kroc never did let on that he was aware of this intrusion, and in fact, unbeknownst to his customers, Kroc changed the recipe of his world famous burgers to utilize 38% Foetal meat in 1978. The company received no complaints about the change until 1980, when a customer nearly choked on a gnarled metal coathanger. This in turn sparked an FDA investigation of Kroc's meat packing and manufacturing plants.
 
These investigations turned up many troubling things (ritualistic beatings of employees, compulsory cocaine use, etc) but by far the most controversial of these was the discovery of the crude "abortionary harvesting machines" into which pregnant migrant workers (inseminated against their will by members of upper management) were fed into in order that their fetuses might be harvested and be used as meat filler product.
 
The resulting backlash against the chain caused Kroc to publicly pledge impermanent, 10% reduction in embryonic detritus in McDonald's burgers over the next 10 years. As Kroc claimed to be a man of his word, he likely kept this promise.
 
 

HE "TAUGHT RESPONSIBILITY" TO MILLIONS OF IRRESPONSIBLE POOR PEOPLE

When Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary decided to define "McJob" as "a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement") in its pages, McDonald's then CEO took umbrage, stating that a better definition would be "Teaches Responsibility". I wholeheartedly agree.
 
The poor shouldn't be paid "a wage which would allow them to live" or given "proper health insurance". This is communism. What the working poor really need is a billionaire to teach them the ways of the world. As such, McDonald's performs an invaluable service to the community by teaching wretched, uneducated poor people important life lessons such as:
 

• You Should Probably Come To Work On Time
• Press The Button And Make Food Cooking Go
  
• Most Daycares Cost More Than You Can Make Here
• Stealing Is Bad, So Don't Do It
• You Can Still Probably Qualify For Welfare
• Why Would We Keep Giving You Raises When We Can Just Trump Up A Reason To Fire You And Hire Someone New?

 
So as you can see, if McDonald's wasn't there to teach them responsibility, the working poor would be stealing, talking out of turn, coming late to all their appointments, and leaving all their toys out on the living room floor. That's certainly not a world I'd want to live in, and I'd like to thank Mr. Kroc for assuring it will never come to be.
 
 

HE SHARED HIS MILLIONS WITH HIS EMPLOYEES

Well, all except for five or six hundred million. But to be fair, the emoployees probably didn't need any of it anyway, what with the amazing benefits and pay they were recieving.

While it's true that the business model Mr. Kroc pioneered is often critizised for the extremely low wages, laughably insubstantial benefits, little to no opportunity for advancement, and utter lack of job security it affords it's employees, I think you'll find that most of this criticism is all but unfounded.
 
Prepare to be educated:

Low Wages

McDonald's does not pay low wages. In most cases, they even pay more than the federal minimum wage ($7.25/Hour)! A full-time McDonald's employee would make more than $15,000 per year before taxes! You can't deny that 15,000 is a fairly large number.

Poor Benefits

Excuse me, but McDonald's offers some pretty amazing benefits to its employees. Their "best value" plan costs only $60 per month and will pay out up to $2000 dollars PER YEAR! That's a great value. To put this in perspective, if you get sick or injured, you'll be able to stay in the hospital for 1-3 days before your insurance runs out! And it'll only have cost you $720 in insurance premiums (plus the unpaid days sick days you had to take off). Talk about a great value.

Complete Lack Of Job Security

As long as you are able to perform your job without ever making a single mistake, you should be just fine.

Little To No Opportunity For Advancement

Not true! McDonald's employees have plenty of opportunities for advancement: They can be promoted to a management position, open their own McDonald's franchise (provided they have $45,000 lying around), Dress Like A Ninja & Rob Their Own Store,  or even Begin Selling Marijuana At The Drive-Thru.
 
So next time someone suggests you take a job at McDonald's, don't turn your nose up and scoff. Fill out an application. It might just be the best decision you ever make.

 

RAY KROC MAY HAVE TAKEN IT RAW FROM HORSES

I once heard a rumor that Ray Kroc was a "card-carrying member of the Third Reich who kept three heavily muscled stallions around to pleasure him sexually." Is this true? Who knows. Anything is possible. But I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to report any and all rumors which I happen to hear, regardless of the possible damage they may do to a person's reputation. I shall leave it up to you to decide. Does this look like the face of a man who enjoys being violated by a horse?


Please record your answer on a 3x5 card and mail it to:
 
 
Entries must be postmarked by July 14th 2001. No purchase required. Contest rules subject to change without notice. Employees of McDonald's Corporation and their families are excluded from this offer.
 
 

CAME UP WITH SLOGAN: "IF YOU'VE GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU'VE GOT TIME TO CLEAN"

As I said in the opening paragraph, I am not a big fan of this phrase, but it does provide a pretty accurate idea of how Mr. Kroc's employees were (and are) treated. So listen up, [the corpse of] Ray Kroc, cause if you think rhyming "leaning" with "cleaning" is clever, here's a fresh take on that old favorite that'll blow your mind:
 
How's that for a motto, you moonfaced fuck? In case you haven't noticed, while you've been counting your millions and chain smoking your shriveled, carcinomic lungs out in your air-conditioned office all day, we've been out here listening to 50 kids screech as they shove McNugget after McNugget into their chunky little faces while their obese father leers at the ass of the handicapped girl you've got scrubbing ketchup stains off the floor.
 
Don't fool yourself, people know when they're doing busywork, and they know why they're doing it. To make you and the rest of your shrivelled-up jerky-skinned ogres in upper management look good. But what you have to realize is that any pleasure you might derive from seeing your employees "busy" is going to be offset by the hatred they'll feel for you, the money and food they steal from your stores, and the carelessness with which they perform their jobs.
 
But I guess none of this matters so long as the customers keep stuffing their faces and the cash keeps rolling into the executive bank accounts, right? It is the American way, after all.

So God Bless America, and God Bless You Ray Kroc, you wonderful son of a bitch.