If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.
Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."
So please keep that in mind as you read these sexy sex sex tips about sex.
1. GO GREEN
It's like the old saying goes: The way to a man's heart is through a staunch adherence to the core principles of environmentalism. So what better way to gun your male counterpart's engine than by surprising him with some sexy handmade environmental crafts?
Skeptical? Here are a few ideas that are guaranteed to satisfy the primal urges of the male you've chosen to settle for:
- Recycled Paper Grocery Bag Poncho
- Macbook Pro Laptop Sleeve Knitted From Your Filth-Encrusted Dreadlocks
- "All-Natural" Toaster Pastries Made With 100% Organic Ingredients (Organic Beet Sugar, Woodpulp, Cloves, Formaldehyde)
- Patchwork Carpet Sample Mousepad
- Teacup Candles Made From His Favorite Teacup
- Sex Doll Crudely Fashioned From Empty Plastic Soda Bottles, Soiled Disposable Diapers, & Human Skin
- Pouch Of Ephedra Powder Purchased From Shifty Online Retailer With Vaguely Asian Sounding Name
- Baffling, Mostly-Incoherent Lecture On The Evils Of Corporate Pig Farming
- Discarded Apple Core Which Kinda Resembles Early US Senator Nathaniel Chipman (1797-1803) If You Squint Real Hard
I'm sure that right about now, most of you are probably wondering what giving a guy shitty crafts has to do with pleasurable sex. This is an excellent question, and I do have the answer, but regrettably I'm currently not at liberty to divulge it at the current time due to various restrictions, injunctions, and other sorts of proceedings. You understand, I'm sure.
Roleplaying during sex is a great way to spice up a relationship that has fallen into a slump. Or so I've heard. Truthfully I've got to rely on the experience of others when it comes to things like roleplaying, since all of my [many, many] relationships have been so hugely successful that I have absolutely no idea what it would even be like to be in a somewhat troubled relationship, let alone the sort of slump which would require a roleplaying revival.
But I also have to admit that I'm hesitant to try. My fear is that the "roleplaying" version of me would have his (already potent) sexual aura amplified to such an extreme degree that it would make him literally irresistible to every other human being he came into contact with, regardless of their age, gender, or sexual preference.
And while having every man, woman, and child in a room tear their clothes off and heave their sweat-soaked bodies at me in a frenzied sexrage each time I came through a door would probably be pretty amusing the first couple times it happened, I can't imagine it'd stay fun for very long.
But getting back to the topic at hand: From what I've been able to gather from listening in on other people's phone conversations, roleplaying during sex is not all that difficult. You simply choose a scenario (The Housewife & The Pizza Delivery Boy, The Robber Baron & The Lithe Young Street Urchin, The Grizzled Loner Angrily Masturbating To A Best Buy Flier In The Airport Bathroom & The Texas State Senator Who Watched With A Curious Mixture Of Shame & Excitement Through A Crack In One Of The Stall Doors), let it play out for a bit, and then perform a sexual act with your partner.
The rest is easy: Towel off, send the neighbor kids home, and scrub that stain out of the carpeting with some club soda and salt before it sets. Relationship solved.
3. KEEP YOUR GENITALS SMELLING FRESH
I don't mean to be crude or anything, but there're few things less appealing to a man as a woman with a genital odor problem. Compounding this, is the fact that the most effective methods of testing for female batchfunk are not taught in sexual education classes, making it nearly impossible for the general public to administer self-tests.
Luckily though, I'm aware of one of the simplest and most fool-proof tests: Go outside, sit on a park bench and slowly cross and uncross your legs. If nothing out of the ordinary occurs, you are unlikely to have a problem. But if small birds begin to plummet from the sky, or you hear the sound of a distant foghorn, there's a good chance you have some serious feminine hygiene issues.
And to head off claims of sexism in advance: I am aware that many men suffer from genital odor problems as well. But the difference is that unlike with females, the groinal musk emitted by males serves a highly important evolutionary purpose: Warding off potential predators.
Before you scoff, think about this: When is the last time you heard of a homeless man being torn apart by wild beasts? That's right: Never. You've never heard of it, because it doesn't happen. The reason is simple: Homeless men's genitals are notorious for their unparalleled ability to emit a pungent odor from their junk. Just ask anyone who works in a soup kitchen or shelter. They'll tell you. All it takes is one homeless guy unzipping his fly a quarter of an inch, and suddenly the everyone in the place is suppressing gags and wondering aloud whose genius idea it was to fill the air ducts with rotting Bluegill.
But hey: If you want to force your boyfriend to scrub extra well between his thighs just because "it's icky", go right ahead. Just don't come crying to me when you get mauled by a puma.
4. GET A JOB
Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman with a job. And thanks to the feminist movement, the modern workplace is more receptive to women than ever. In fact, there are some fields in which women are paid nearly as much as men. Talk about progress!
Anyway, just in case any of you women are looking for suggestions of "sexy" careers, I've spent several hours compiling this list for you:
- Head Nurse
- Factory Worker
- Assistant District Attorney
- Human Resources Lady
- Pretty Tobacco Company Lobbyist
- Post Office Clerk
- Pet Groomist
- Delivery Man
- Model Ship Enthusiast
- Female Cop
- Speech Instructor
And before you get all weepy about the prospect of being away from your precious household appliances for eight hours every weekday, remember that you'd only be doing these jobs until you get pregnant, after which you'll be allowed to quit so you can spend the next 18+ years raising the child to adulthood. Also, the more kids your husband demands of you, the more vacation time you'll get.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal if you ask me.
5. FALSELY CONFESS TO CHEATING
Crazy though it may seem, there's really no better way to get your man re-interested in you than by falsely claiming to have slept with someone else. To ensure this farce ends in the least murdery way possible, it's probably best to try to choose someone fictional (as opposed to a close family friend), just in case your guy friend gets it in his head to track down and exact violent revenge upon the person (or persons) you claim to have engaged in unholy acts of pleasure with.
Since you're making it all up anyway, you might as well go with someone exciting and dangerous, like a surly carwash attendant of indistinct ethnicity, a pair of elderly wheelchair-bound lesbians, an escaped slave who has ostensibly traveled through time, or that guy who did the voice of that dog Wishbone on the TV show Wishbone. But in truth, your fictional partner needn't be outrageous to be effective. Most men are fairly insecure, so if you manage to come up with a story which is even remotely plausible, it's almost certain he'll believe it.
Then, all that's left is to wait a few days (you'll staying with your mother) and shoot him a quick text message letting him in on the gag. At this point he will realize how important you are to him, the two of you will share a laugh, and he'll move back in after realizing that his feelings for you are stronger than ever.
Well, either that, or he'll refuse to believe you, break into your mother's house late one night, and hack everyone's faces and/or limbs off with a rusty lawnmower blade in a drunken fit of rage and despair. But honestly, if this is how he reacts, he probably wasn't the right guy for you in the first place. Think of it as a blessing in disguise!
I should probably acknowledge that only one of these tips actually had anything to do with "pleasing your man sexually". I can't imagine anyone too upset about this, but on the off-chance that you are, you can take solace in the fact that any tips I might have offered would've been all but worthless, since giving others pleasure (of any kind) is not exactly my area of expertise.
But I guess if I were forced to distill my man-pleasuring advice down to a single sentence (like if an innocent young Amish girl was about to be brutally and inexplicably murdered if she didn't give her husband pleasurable sex and we only had a few seconds to talk before he arrived to take her off to the barn) I'd probably say something like "fiddle around with it until he gives a relieved-sounding grunt and falls asleep".
Hopefully this would save her life, but if not: At least I will have tried.
And in the end, isn't that all any of us can really do?