The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a
fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big
Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no
surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard
nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal
freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic
world of ours.
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims
such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is
less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water
that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by
politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons
why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.
1. BOTTLED WATER CELEBRATES FREEDOM
Strict FDA regulations disallow the presence of E. coli or fecal
coliform bacteria (which would indicate the presence of fecal matter)
in city tap water. Their requirements for BOTTLED water, on the other
hand, specifically allow for “certain amounts” of fecal matter to be
present. So buy bottled water and score one for consumer choice! We
don't need big government butting their noses in and telling us what
"is and isn't allowed to cause Dysentery, Typhoid Fever, and Hepatitis
A" in our drinking water. The last time I checked this was America:
Land of the free, home of the free.
The ability to drink water laced with the fecal matter of others is one
of the inalienable rights upon which this country was built, and I'll
be goddamned if I'm going to allow the fuddy duddy college-boy quacks
at the FDA to take that right away from me.
A purchase of bottled water is a vote for freedom, and a blow in the
fight against tyranny!
2. YOU CAN’T LITTER WITH TAP WATER
It’s a well-known fact that littering is fun. Unfortunately it is now a
"crime" due to the liberals in congress and the media. Isn't it just
like Big Government to tell us what we can and can't do for fun? Here's
a newsflash: Littering is not nearly as bad for the environment as the
fetus butchers would have you believe. It can even be beneficial. For
example: Did you know that plastic water bottles are manufactured using
oil? This means that the components in discarded bottles will
eventually "break down", returning to their natural state (crude oil).
This oil then seeps into the local streams ground water where it can be
harvested and used to run our automobiles, boomboxes, and lamps.
Tap water, however, confers none of these benefits. In fact,
if one wished to litter using tap water, they would have to pilot a
motorcar to the store in order to purchase the plastic bottles with
their own money, drive home, fill them at the tap, drink the water, and
then take another drive so they could roll their window down and toss
the bottle out. Just look at all the natural resources which were
wasted during this process!
So don't even THINK about dropping those soiled plastic food packages,
water bottles, and discarded methadone prescription containers into the
clearly labeled recycling bins at your home. Instead, simply place them
in a garbage sack and heave them into some wetlands, a schoolyard, or a
stream, safe in the knowledge that one day, the precious oil within
them will be freed and harvested in the name of progress and liberty.
3. BOTTLED WATER IS MORE CONVENIENT
Bottled water has been called "the most ingenious marketing concept of
the 20th century", and with good reason! There's nothing easier and
more convenient than buying bottled water from a store. I mean just
think of it: To get water from a tap you'd have to walk into the
kitchen and then go through that whole ritual of finding a glass,
turning on a tap, and then putting the glass under the water until it
was full. And don't even get me STARTED on the hassle you'd have to go
through if you wanted to carry tap water AROUND with you. Buying an
inexpensive reusable container and refilling it? What is this, 16th
century Holland all of a sudden?
Is Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus, wandering around filling up his
water bucket at the town well and then proceeding to pen the
oft-repeated quotation "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is
king?" while enjoying a mouthful of his tasty hand-drawn well water?
Well I hate to break it to you Dessie Baby, but here in modern times we
don't get our water from wells or rivers or spigots, we buy it from
STORES. So why don't you just take your cyclopean ass back to Rotterdam
and leave the water procurement to the two-eyed professionals in the
21st century, you monastic piece of shit!
4. TAP WATER IS FAR TOO CHEAP
FACT: Things that don’t cost a lot of money are low quality.
Tap water usually costs LESS THAN A CENT per gallon,
while a 20 ounce $1 bottle of water works out to something like $6.40
per gallon. That's more than twice as expensive as the current price of
gasoline! Pretty prestigious if you ask me.
So let's get reasonable here: You're telling me that the water that
comes out of the tap in the homes of POOR PEOPLE is of a higher
quality than this 640% more expensive bottle of water I bought at whole
foods? Don't make me laugh. In case you haven't noticed, this bottle
has a photograph of a mountain stream on it. Haven't you ever seen that
movie Heidi? The girl was crippled, and they sent her off into the
mountains to live with that beard guy and sure enough...the mountains
cured her crippleness.
5. BOTTLED WATER JUST TASTES BETTER
Bottled water is an organic gift. It is provided to us as a public
service by friendly and caring corporations who pride value, safety,
purity, and freedom over all things. Tap water, on the other hand, is
the product of communism, and as such is only slightly more tasty than
the pus excreted during a urinary tract infection. You can talk however
much jive you want about your Placebo Effects
and your innumerable
and taste tests
that most people cannot
bottled water and tap water or even that twenty to forty
percent of bottled waters likely come from municipal sources anyway,
but I'm not about to listen to you.
Because I trust my mouth and my gut to know that
bottled water tastes better than tap. So yeah, I'll definitely take an
Aquafina (bottled locally using municipal water) a Dasani (bottled
from local, municipal sources) any day of the week over your filthy
polluted socialist tap water.
God Bless America, God Bless Freedom, but most of all, God Bless