Hello fellow Christians, and welcome to the latest in my Classic Christian Game Review series: The hottest place to find godly reviews of classic videogames released between 1990 and 2020!
This time around I’m taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii. Let’s explore how this game reveals Christ’s love together.
CHRISTIAN OVERVIEW
As is typical for an obscenely violent game (full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling) Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press. But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the Christ’s Law would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodomin Gomorrah.
STORY
The main character, Sam “The Fish” Fishler, is a soon-to-be escaped prison convict with a bone to pick with “the man”. This escape happens in the game’s nail-biting prologue in which you (as Fishler) hatch a plan to break-in to the giant thanksgiving day diorama that has been oh-so-conveniently set up in the prison yard by a troupe of local elementary school children. In this sequence, players are tasked with removing the large plaster fruits and vegetables from an oversized horn of plenty, guiding our hero inside, and then waiting until his accomplices re-glue all the produce back into place.
After he breaks free he gets to work on his mission: To avenge the death of his 14-year-old daughter Tabbi, who was loaded into a submarine’s torpedo tube in the previous game by terrorists who subsequently forgot about her and several days later accidentally launched her into the side of an aircraft carrier. As you can probably tell, this is not a game which is suitable for Family Games Night.
Throughout the game, Fishler will be called upon to perform “torture executions” on key characters, for which the player will be rewarded points and fresh guns. These executions are gruesome beyond compare, and encourage the player to perform the following actions on an enemy he is torturing:
- Smash their heads through sinks
- Cook their faces on a griddle
- Shove them into lockers
- Cuss at them and make them climb into a big sack of dead fish in the pier level
- Put them in the clothes dryer in the laundromat level and pretend to be reaching towards the power button like “whoop I’m just about to turn this thing on!” but don’t
Some might try to defend these actions by claiming that the enemies you use these attacks against are “bad guys” but this is no excuse.
DIALOGUE
The most egregious offense comes in the form of recorded dialogue. Occasionally enemies will cry out while engaged in battle with Fishler. Most of the time these exclamations are what you would expect from a game of this sort (“Die!” “lookout!” “he’s going down!” etc) but from time to time they devolve into the sexually obscene.
For example, towards the beginning of the game, certain enemies will shout things like “Sam you look like ****!” to which Sam will respond, “You b******, I’ll f*** everyone I see and ****** *** **** drafting table, you j-off!” While playing, I often found myself musing aloud: “Would it kill you, Mr. Fishler, to say ‘Please’ or ‘Thank You’ once and a while?”
HARM TO CHILDREN
While I understand all this cursing is true to the way crimers talk, I certainly did not need it in my living room. My eight young children (ages four through ten) were watching me play the game, and call me old fashioned, but I don’t feel like this kind of language should ever be heard by small children.
After one 20 minute play session, my eight-year-old threw a toy hammer at the mudroom wall and threatened to “eat [my wife’s] s***” if I wouldn’t let him watch cartoons. I was so shocked I nearly forgot to backhand him. Could a videogame really hold so much power over a child? The answer, of course, is a resounding yes.
I think we all know where to lay the blame: Right at the feet of Tom Clancy, the creator of this game. Shame on you Mr. Clancy. Shame on you.
DARK ARTS
Thankfully, Splinter Cell: The Conviction contains little in the way of witchcraft or witchery. However, this does not mean it is free of darkly accoutrements. The entire premise of the game is to skulk around in the shadows (a practice favored by practitioners of the unclean arts).
When God wrote the bible he certainly didn’t have godly characters such as John The Baptist, King Solomon, or the Baby Moses crouching and grumbling around in the dark and tossing empty beer cans around to distract terrorists.
CHRISTIAN MESSAGE
It pains me to admit it, but at it’s heart, Splinter Cell: Convictions does indeed contain a proper Christian message:
It is the right –nay, duty– of the godly and righteous man to take justice into his own hands and rain holy vengeance upon those who have trespassed against him by kidnapping or insulting members of his household.
Frankly, even before playing this game I’d often find myself shuffling around the grocery store growling, “I’ll do anything for my daughter. I’d KILL for my daughter. Don’t you EVER get between big daddy and his little girl!” so I can definitely relate to the main character’s rage.
But through I might agree with the message at the game’s core, I still cannot bring myself to approve of it’s existence. The bottom line is that those who wish to live vicariously through a tale of bloody vengeance need only look so far as the pages of their Bible. From the story of Moses (the baby who was thrown into the river) to Adam (from the prologue), to the story of Jesus Christ Himself, who got executed and subsequently rose from the dead, and then proceeded to murder those who taunted or teased him while he was hanging on the cross.
FINAL JUDGMENT
OVERWHELMING SIN!!!
This game is not recommended for children who are women, children who may be pregnant, or anyone else sensitive to drug use or viewing the exposed breasts of a woman.