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Frisbee is Kind of Stupid (A Guide)

What
is frisbee? Is it a game? A pasttime? A sport? Or is it, in fact, way
of life (as many of its supporters would have you believe)?
I propose that none of these things is true. Frisbee is merely a
concept. An idea without merit. An elder cloud of dust; the ashes of
fallen kings laid out across a grand glass table and along comes
a large, grey, man who puts a finger to one side of his nose and … in, and in, and in…
 
And even now it is inside him. It is inside
all of us; each and every one. As we go about our days, The Disc thrums
within. It is there as we wake; it peers
through clouded eyes and tangles of morning hair. It is there
as we bathe; it shivers as water streams down the crags of our sagging
faces. And, it is there when we sleep; it grasps our hand, guiding us through the haunted
world of dreams. Listen carefully, and you shall hear it’s ragged
breath. Poised on the brink…
Waiting. Watching. It is slow and creeping death. It is the relentless
march of time.
 
Oh, and also, frisbee is kind of stupid. Here’s why.

 

What
is frisbee? Is it a game? A pasttime? A sport? Or is it, in fact, way
of life (as many of its supporters would have you believe)?
I propose that none of these things is true. Frisbee is merely a
concept. An idea without merit. An elder cloud of dust; the ashes of
fallen kings laid out across a grand glass table and along comes
a large, grey, man who puts a finger to one side of his nose and … in, and in, and in…
 
And even now it is inside him. It is inside
all of us; each and every one. As we go about our days, The Disc thrums
within. It is there as we wake; it peers
through clouded eyes and tangles of morning hair. It is there
as we bathe; it shivers as water streams down the crags of our sagging
faces. And, it is there when we sleep; it grasps our hand, guiding us through the haunted
world of dreams. Listen carefully, and you shall hear it’s ragged
breath. Poised on the brink…
Waiting. Watching. It is slow and creeping death. It is the relentless
march of time.
 
Oh, and also, frisbee is kind of stupid. Here’s why.

 

 

Frisbee History

CatcherAccording
to my sources, the frisbee was originally patented in 1964 by a man
named Ed Headrick. To create the frisbee Mr. Headrick apparently
“refined” the design of a previously released toy the “Pluto Platter”,
which was apparently unweildy and difficult to control when compared
with a frisbee. This is fairly interesting to me, as frisbees
themselves are notoriously difficult to control. I can only imagine,
then, that Pluto Platters must have simply have gone careening into
oblivion if tossed gently, even if by a very small child.
 
In
accordance with his final wishes, Headrick was cremated, and his remains were placed into frisbees. I can only assume these
frisbees were then used for their intended purposes (e.g. being thrown
carelessly in the general direction of someone who is either mentally
challenged, stoned, or a dog) which, depending on your views on death,
is either extremely awesome, or The Saddest Thing Which Has Ever
Occurred Ever.
 
 

Styles of Frisbee

Casual Play

There
are a number of different ways to “play” Frisbee, the first of which is
a style I would call casual play. I define casual play as any game of
frisbee which is played unenthusiastically. Needless to say, this type
of play makes up nearly 99% of all frisbee games.
 
A game of casual frisbee usually goes something like this:

  1. Frisbee GroupTwo very bored people who are wandering around outside for whatever reason spot a frisbee in a field somewhere.

  2. One of them mutters “want to play frisbee?” to which the other shrugs and replies with either, “I guess…” or “Mmmh.”
  3. The two stand 10 or so feet apart and take turns either tossing the
    disc in the general direction of the other, or retrieving
    the poorly-thrown disc when it (inevitably) flies at a 90 degree angle
    AWAY from him, or 50 feet over his head.

  4. Eventually, one of the
    participants (who has slowly been sinking into a deep existential
    despair with each toss of the disc) is suddenly overcome with a
    with an unfathomable dread (emanating from the deepest chasms of his or
    her soul), and so he hurls the frisbee wildly away from himself in an
    attempt to be rid of it and put an end to the wretched game
    forever.

  5. At this point the game is usually considered to be
    “over” and the frisbee may or may not be retrieved from the elderly
    woman’s yard it has landed in.
 

 

Disc Golf

Some Jerk DivesDisc
golf (also referred to as “frolf” by people who have yet to be punched
fully in the mouth for saying “frolf”) is a sport in which people in
cargo shorts and polo shirts mill around a golf course throwing
frisbees at poles with a bunch of chains and a basket on them while
slapping each other on the back and exclaiming “Right on!” at regular intervals.
 
For a closer
look at the history of frisbee golf, let’s see what the official
website of the PDGA (Professional Disc Golf Association) has to say
about how the game originated.

 
Disc golf is played much like
traditional golf. Instead of a ball, clubs, and dignity, however,
players use a “magical” flying disc (or Frisbee) which is said to have
been blessed by Grimlor, the ancient Dwarven god of leatherworking.
Each time a player hurls the disc, he or she is expected to say a
prayer to Grimlor under his or her breath, or risk eternal damnation.


 

Backwards KidThe
game was invented in the early 1970s by a college student named Arliss
Howe who, upon ingesting nearly a pound of magic mushrooms (Psilocybe
Cubenisis) ran out onto a nearby golf course and hurled a frisbee
wildly into the air while shouting obscenities. It sailed down the
course (a distance of nearly 150 yards) and struck the pin (flag) dead
center. “I’m F###ING Warrick the warlock king, you C###!” Arliss cried,
adding, “king of the f###ing warlocks…”


 

According to
onlookers he then dropped to the ground in a fit of uncontrollable
laughter while the golfers who were attempting to play the hole shook
their fists violently and began hitting balls at his crumpled form. He
then proceeded to “mumble semi-coherently about how nice the sun felt,
squirmed around in the grass, and then just kept repeating ‘It’s HOT
out here… Isn’t it hot, isn’t it hot you guys?” until police arrived
to escort him off the course.

And Frisbee golf was born.
 
 

Other Frisbee Games

You’d
be surprised how many other frisbee-centric games people have gone to
the trouble of inventing. Here’s a quick overview of the least
uninteresting ones.
 

Guts

Old GuyI became excited upon seeing
the title of this game, thinking that this was some sort of
do-it-yourself version of the hit Nickelodeon television program GUTS (a show in
which three ethnically diverse preteens participate in various awkward
physical challenges while being heckled by the jaded, at-home audience,
all of whom are watching the show ironically). Unfortunately though, it
turns out that Guts is really just Dodgeball played by adults, with
frisbees. Talk about disappointing.
 
Note: There also
exists a slightly different version of Guts called Flutterguts, which
was called this, I suppose, because the concept of adults daintily
flinging frisbees at each other while giggling was not considered manly
enough, and so someone decided to add the fairyesque prefix “Flutter” to
it in order to make the game appear more masculine to outsiders.
  

Crosbee

Because
the Wikipedia entry for this game provides no further explanation, and
judging by the fact that the word “Crosbee” bears a passing resemblance
to his name, I can only assume that this is a version of frisbee which
was created to honor the memory of popular American singer Bing Crosby.
And since the only two facts I really know about Bing Crosby is that he
sang the that sappy old song “White Christmas” and that he was
reportedly physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children,
I wouldn’t suppose this version of Frisbee would be much fun. But then
again, what do I know.
 

Disc Dog

Hanz: “Flaubert! Please to be throwing your frisbee at zat dog for him to be catching it!”
Flaubert: “Hup!”
Frisbee: *whirrrr* *pfft*
Dog’s Mouth: *clomp!*
Hanz: “Vunderbar! Who’s a good little Eisenbahnknotenpunkthinundherschieber?! Hmm?! Who’s ze good boy?!”

Boys Night Frisbee!“Ultimate”

I’m
a little worried that the creators of “Ultimate” might be overstating
their case by calling it this. I usually find that a person doesn’t want to set expectations too
high for your frisbee-based sports. When people hear “ultimate” they think “extreme”. They come to your
match expecting to see men in wicker armor and spring-jump boots firing decapitator
discs at other players from a repeating launcher. They don’t expect to see “something sort
of like rugby, with frisbees”

Personally, I would’ve probably gone with a name like
“Slightly Less Dull Than Regular Frisbee” Frisbee, or “At Least it
Isn’t Just Plain Frisbee, Right?” Frisbee. Instead of Ultimate Frisbee. At least then people would
know what they’re wasting their time with.  
 

Well, that’s all I have for now. I hope you and your loved ones have
come away from this article with a deeper respect for this sport of
kings.
 
Long live the disc!

 

 

About the Author

Frisbee
is a registered trademark of the Wham-O toy company. Its first novel,
“Jesus Lives in Trenton”, became an international cult favorite, ans
was followed by the fictionalized study of pyromania in “Everything
Burns”. Frisbee currently resides in the hearts and minds of everybody,
everywhere.

Image Credits:
[1] , [2] , [3] , [4] , [5] , [6]

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