It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes of attracting just a moment of my attention.
Frankly, most of the time all I need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if I’m preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman’ll have torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall deeply in love with me).
Of course this is not always the case. On occasion, I do come across women who (for whatever reason: blindness, foolishness, lesbianism) don’t immediately realize how utterly captivating I am. Women like these always require a bit of convincing before they’ll begin demanding sex from me. Fortunately, this process is not overly complex or difficult, provided you know all the right things to say (which of course, I do). And Double-Fortunately, I’m more than happy to share some of these “right things” (great pickup lines) with you.
And please, there’s no need to thank me. I don’t perform public services like these for accolades. A good deed is its own reward.
THE GROOMER
“Girl, you’re so fine that if you were the teeth of a comb, I would easily be able to use said comb to remove macroscopic parasites such as nits or fleas from hair.”
THE DIAGNOSIS
“I couldn’t help but notice you’re looking a little under the weather today. Lucky for you, it just so happens that I’m a registered dietitian who makes his living sitting on benches at city bus stations and diagnosing the ailments of various attractive women from afar without their knowledge or consent and subsequently approaching them with free medical advice. In any event, my examination of you reveals that you’re currently afflicted with a severe case of me deficiency. My recommendation is several doses of me, administered internally, over the next 3-6 hours.”
THE STRAIGHT-SHOT
(Opening your wallet) “Alright, how much for the full deal?”
THE DROVER
(Examining her calves) “You look like fine stock…Thoroughbred?”
THE WOLF
(Wild-eyed, hastily untying belt of trenchcoat) “No! Wait! Come back!”
THE SHEPHERD
“Pardon me miss, but I couldn’t help but notice that you were just about to enter that dimly-lit parking structure.” (Grab her arm) “I’m going to have to insist that I accompany you to your car. Statistics show that a woman is 64% more likely to be brutalized if she is traveling alone.” (Tighten your grip to reassure her) “You’re coming with me, and I won’t take no for an answer!”
THE SMOOTH OPERATOR
(Stop her and take out a pocket notebook) “Could you hold on for just a second? I just need to add you to my ‘to do’ list.”
THE CUTPURSE
(A woman passes you on the street) “Somebody stop her! That girl just stole my heart!”
THE HOT SHOT
“Baby, you must be a traffic cone on a motorcycle stunt driving course, because whenever I look at you, all I can think of is getting my swerve on.”
THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST
“Girl, you want to know what you have in-common with the Mammoth Tusk dwellings which were built in the mid-to-late Pleistocene Era by Paleolithic hunter-gatherers? When I saw you my first thought was, “Excellent bone structure.”
