Whether they’re being subjected to perfectly acceptable physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful!
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly Line #124038 have come up with THIS KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all those “guys” out there who just want to “watch the big game with their buddies” without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the “perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid” to whom they have allowed themselves to become emotionally attached.
Let’s take a look some of the key features of this remote in-depth.
REWIND
While men may no longer be encouraged to shackle females mentally (or even physically), they can still celebrate their chauvinist heritage by purchasing cheap, nonfunctioning television remote controls, pointing them at a nearby woman, and pressing the “rewind” button while imagining her slipping backwards through time, donning a thick, woolen dress, and then reluctantly acceding to joyless, mechanical intercourse while holding back tears. Hot!
BREASTS + OR –
Buttons to increase or decrease breast size on women!? Talk about hilarious! Don’t worry if you don’t get the joke, it’s some pretty subtle satire. See: It’s funny because men are said to enjoy large breasts!
MUTE
In the good old days a woman was seen and had sex with, not heard. Unfortunately due to so-called “advances” in “human rights”, women can now speak their minds, sometimes wear nonrestrictive clothing, and vote. So what modern man wouldn’t want a “mute” button which, if pressed, would instantly transmogrify that shrill, emancipated harpy you married into the robotic Maxim model of your dreams!
COOK/CLEAN/LEAVE
This group of buttons perfectly encapsulates the three main duties of any woman who resides in your home. It is important to remember that women are simple-minded creatures, and can not be trusted to perform any overly complex tasks which do not involve either nurturing or laundry. Any man who has allowed his woman to “try things for herself” (be it the resale of slaves, the repair of a leaky water closet, or the piloting of a motorcar) know that it will always result in the female breaking down in tears of rage at her apparent impotence…pretty funny, right fellas!?
Perhaps someone could create a “control-a-man-who-thinks-the-control-a-woman-remote-is-hilarious” remote as a sort of response. Some of the buttons could be:
- Drive Obnoxiously Loud Vehicle at High Speeds Through Residential Areas To Demonstrate Masculinity
- Smugly Explain Something Incorrectly Yet Again
- Drink Self Into Impotent Stupor
- Wait In White Cashier’s Line At Supermarket Even Though Line at Black Cashier’s Register Significantly Shorter
- Demonstrate Profound Ignorance of Even Basics of Female Anatomy
- Bitch Endlessly About Having To Pay Taxes Every Time Paycheck Received
- Genuinely Enjoy Zach Snyder Film
- Fantasize About Bedding 14-Year Old Girl Seen Shopping With Parents at Big Lots