Hello fellow gaming lovers! Please allow me to introduce myself: I’m Lukas777. I’m a professional video game lover, and I’m in a relationship with a man and a dead baby. But wait! Before you throw me a surprise Pride Parade or file a report with the pedophile brigade: The gay man and the dead child I’m in love with are actually the same person! His name is Jesus Christ! The baby was the baby Jesus (whomst we all know died on the cross for our sins).
But let’s get down to business: I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the satanic energies which pervaded popular videogames at the time. These games had it all: Robbing, demonics, knifes, strippers, evolution, disrespectful music, and more cusses than you can rub your fanny on. As time went on, things got even worse. These days games also include sexual content that would make even a grown man run crying to mama. The most commonly portrayed acts include mutual groping, make-outs, peeping, indoor kissing, all-over-the-pants-rubbing, humiliation play, and phone sex. Really, developers? Phone sex? Get a life! The only moaning and groaning my wife and children are going to be hearing over the phone any time soon is the moaning and groaning of Jesus Christ up on that Old Rugged Cross!
But let’s get serious: Today I’ll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God’s holy love as one can get (provided one is not currently roasting in the bowels of hell itself). Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children or the faint of heart.
STORY
Bayonetta is the story of a darkly-beautiful-but-spiritually-bereft Wiccan Love Witch named Bayonetta, who wanders the earth in search of sin. When not bare-bottomed, Bayonetta sports a pair of tighter-than-skintight leather pants and an infant-sized haltertop (out of which her pair of rampaging busoms often spill).
I’m not willing to go any deeper into the story, but suffice it to say: Those who grew up on a steady diet of Veggie’s Tale’s, The Bible, and Prayer Biscuits will literally blow their tops when they bear witness to the sinful surprises Bayonetta has in store!
“STORY” SCORE: 2/10
SINS OF VIOLENCE
Let’s make one thing clear: This is a game in which the “enemies” you battle are Messengers of The Lord. Yes, you heard this reviewer correctly: In Bayonetta, your goal is to murder and torture angels until you reach the final boss: God.
Other violence lowlights include scenes in which you…
- Burn crosses to shame your enemies and get the highest score
- Murder flying child angels (called cherubs) for points
- Punish bad demons by spanking them on their bare bottom with both an open hand and oversized novelty hammer
- Buy guns from a black character (racist)
- Become nude and cause a guillotine or other medieval torturing wheel to appear and brutally murder enemies for extra lives
These are some of the most horrible displays this reviewer has ever seen.
“VIOLENCE” SCORE: 10/10
SEXUAL ACTS
Lowlights:
- Contours of main character’s female body are occasionally visible through her tight leather clothing
- Instances of nonconsensual sex acts (the main character blows kisses at unaware men which is a form of sexual assault)
- Crude language, shouting, and cursing (“D**m you!” “F**king!” “D*ck Su*kers!” are can be heard in the background during some battles
As mentioned previously, the main character of the game (Netta) is a shapely courtesan with large child-bearing hips and breasts. At certain points, when a secret series of buttons is pressed (either accidentally or deliberately) her clothes will suddenly evaporate, revealing her assets (supple pink flesh, bare shoulders, toned upper back, etc). This feature was obviously designed to entice children into sin.
In addition, groans and moans and grunts so seductively while battling, I was overcome with fear that the game was going to cause me to pull a muscle in my nethers. To keep my mind pure and godly, my wife was forced to read to me from Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul II. While this did help to quiet my sinister urges for a time, at a certain point my loins would still begin to quiver and tremble to terribly that I was eventually forced to stop for fear that I would commit the act of self-aggrandizement.
Look: As a good Christian man, I have kept myself celibate for life until my marriage to the Lord Jesus, as is called for during the bible. Fortunately the warm glow of my wife’s Christian Love was able to serve as a beacon which guided me safely through this game’s temptressing. But others may not be so lucky.
SINS OF THE OCCULT
Not only is the main character of this game a Witch…she’s also a female. Player are encouraged to cast spells, shoot magic from their hands, and even transmogrify into a dragon, the act of which alone would be enough to give this reviewer a sin-induced headache.
I realize this game was made in Japan, but I do think that is a valid excuse. Does their Grand Chairman approve of this? Does their false god Buddha? I would certainly hope not, but you never know what you’re in for when it comes to the Celestials.
I suppose I should not expect too much from people whose cartoons feature sexy transforming children. Sin begets sin begets sin.
OCCULTNESS: 10/10
CHRISTIAN MESSAGE
Don’t make me laugh. The only thing Christian about this game is the paper the manual is printed on (as trees come from our lord). Other than that, you can expect a one way ticket to be in hell for eternity if you even play the demo of this game.
If you see it on the shelf at the store, do not approach! If you need to buy a more godly game which is close by it on the shelf, knock the other game to the floor with a stick or broom handle so it can be picked up safely. If this doesn’t seem possible, ask an employee with colored hair or piercings to retrieve the other game for you (those who disfigure their bodies are already destined for hell, so there is no harm in having them commit additional sins to keep yourself on the righteous path).
CHRISTIANITY SCORE: 1/10
FINAL JUDGEMENT:
EXTREME SIN!!!
Beware: This game is not worth the money. Skip it!