Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the Troll and the Twitter Threatener. He is the social cripple and the sniveling masturbator. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by his significantly less deranged peers, he has sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective.
Here, he is given the opportunity to climb a different sort of social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by His Ability To Act And Think And Speak In Exactly The Same Way As The Insular Group Of Blubbering And Perpetually-Indignant Manchildren He Has Chosen As His Peers.
It wasn’t always so. Oh, wait, it actually has been. These jerks have always been around. They’re just angrier and more visible now. Well, no matter. Below you will find a few common embarrassing nerdly phrases that nerdy old nerd nerds used to use (and occasionally still use) on the internet.
Note: This article was originally written in the 2000s. As such, much of the information and commentary contained within is now hopelessly outdated and even more toothless than it was originally. I have rewritten the intro to reflect this fact.
1. Good Sir/Kind Sir
It’s troubling to me that insincerely adding phrases such as “Thank you kind sir” or “Excuse me kind sir” at either end of sentences seems to have become second nature to many nerds. Have these offenders considered, even for a moment, those of us who engage in the practice of casually injecting various antiquated expressions into our everyday speech in order to confuse/annoy/mildly-amuse others? Have they? They have not. For if they did, they would realize that by their careless actions they are running these useful and entertaining expressions into the ground and ruining things for the rest of us.
If it isn’t already, “Kind Sir” is destined to become a played-out and meaningless aside, like “Thanks a lot”, “Have a nice day”, or “I love you.” So hey nerds: Cut it out!
It’s like I always say: The trifling tenpenny fellow is fit to mind & mingle with the higgledy-piggledy at a cross-roads hullabaloo.
Examples of Acceptable Usage
[2nd chorus:]
“Thank you, kind sir,” said she
“Welcome, sweet Miss,” said he
“May I not escort you home?
I would hate to go alone”
– Irving Berlin, Thank You Kind Sir Said She
STARRED is the blackness of the sky;
Wide is the sweep of the cold plain
Where good Sir Palamede doth lie,
Keen on the Beast-slot once again.All day he rode; all night he lay
With eyes wide open to the stars,
Seeking in many a secret way
The key to unlock his prison bars.
– Aleister Crowley, The High History of Good Sir Palamedes
Examples of Unacceptable Usage
Wow, funnebone. You nailed me down pretty well there. You should try it, as Ryan George can happily report, it works quite well. Lizzie55, as well. No more ads. You literally had me LOLing, you have such wit! I will not attempt to answer that retort at this time. I’m not sure I could… Well done, kind sir! Carry on!
– Turnems, Funny or Die Forums
Please, kind sir, will you give me the action replay code for the pokémon Rayquaza Sincerely, Confused Gamer.?
Answer4000000b 00000000 dfcff000 193c4f00 00000000 00000000 fcff0000 d8000000 then go to a poke mart and press l+r and talk to the man in green I hope this will help
– Wikianswers Post
2. Whilst
If you don’t know the difference between “While” and “Whilst”, allow me to explain…right after I look the difference up because how the hell should I know the difference.
OK, so apparently, “While” is a conjunction whose primary meaning is “during the time that”. “Whilst” is a more formal word which means “Don’t take me seriously at all” or “You may disregard the rest of the words in this sentence unless you’re desperate to hear from an achingly unfunny and socially inept individual who thinks they’re cute and clever when actually they’re just super insufferable.”
So as you can see it would probably be in you nerds’ best interest to stop saying “Whilst” entirely. Of course there are exceptions. If you are any sort of author writing a novel or poem before 1937, you have my permission to use the word, and those who hail from England and Australia are also exempt from this ruling since the word is far more common there (although some of you are still pushing it). But anyone else: No.
Examples of Acceptable Usage
Prose literature gives us Malory’s Morte d’Arthur, in which are presented many ghastly situations taken from early ballad sources whilst other and cruder specimens were doubtless set forth in the cheap and sensational “chapbooks” vulgarly hawked about and devoured by the ignorant.
– H.P. Lovecraft
Examples of Unacceptable Usage
Before I begin, I must announce that my head is quite full of many things at the moment, and being exceptionally busy at work gives me not much time to post much these days. Why even now, I have a good deal to do, however, whilst I sit down and recover a bit, I’ll post what I can to get things rolling.
– Demogorgon101, NYC LARP forums.
Does is matter if you drink alcohol whilst doing PE?
A few times while doing PE I have a glass of beer, I noticed while doing this I can keep an erection better. I guess I’m doing these exercises correctly because after a few reps I get a bulging vein, and I can feel the blood move.How about masturbation? I know it’s okay once a day, how about if you’re doing it two or three times a day? Is that too much? This may be a reason why I go flaccid very quickly while jelqing.
– Zendo2, Penis Enlargement Gym
3. Indeed
Have you ever told a nerd something and they responded by smirking, nodding sagely, and saying “indeed.” (possibly while stroking their greasy molester ‘stache)? If so, how did you resist the urge to repeatedly drive a bowling pin into their smug little nerd skull? Because I’m finding it more and more difficult to resist these urges as time goes on.
So hey all you “indeed” people: You aren’t fooling anybody with your half-assed pseudointellectual posturing. We all know your literary diet consists solely of Sonic & Knuckles slashfic and Dragonlance novels so how about you climb down off Shadowfax there and start talking like a regular person. Jesus.
Examples of Acceptable Usage
THOU art indeed just, Lord, if I contend
With thee; but, sir, so what I plead is just.
Why do sinners’ ways prosper? and why must
Disappointment all I endeavor end?
– English Poet Gerard Manley Hopkins.
In conclusion, you should only be using the word “indeed” if you are: A. English Poet Gerard Manley Hopkins Addressing God in a Poem or B. Me. In either case, you should be comfortable coming off sounding like a cackling old Englishman from the 1800s with a brain half rotted out from syphilis.
Examples of Unacceptable Usage
In the halls of Thorgrim Grudgebearer, the impossible has taken place. A grudge-target walks unassailed from the sacred place. The battles of the Nemesis Crown first saw the alliance of Dawi and the monstrous Ogres, and it was a fruitful one indeed.
– Fanfiction posted on “Dakka Dakka” Warhammer forums
Re: Pooping and Farting…
Thanks for citing that you got your idea from my forum, I’ve already come across a forum VERY similar to mine and I was nowhere to be found in it- no good, weak sauce indeed. I don’t want my booty to be kissed, but would it hurt to give props to the person who inspired your idea?
– Jen Jen, CollegeNet Forums
4. “_____ does not a ____ make”
Nowhere is this phrase more overused than by nerds who write about videogames (journalists, forum users, commenters, etc). Seriously, it’s absolutely insane. Are all these people just ripping each other off, or is this evidence of some diabolical plot undertaken by game developers to pointlessly drill the same tired-ass cliche into every gamer’s head? No one can say for sure.
Right about now I’m sure a number of you are saying, “You are dumb. I’ve hardly seen anybody using this phrase and I read about videogames all the time. Stop making up lies. Also your website looks like crap and it is crap.”
LOOK AT THESE EXAMPLES I FOUND HERE
Those are just the ones I found in about a minute. It’s everywhere. So if you game journalists out there are even remotely concerned with originality, standing out among your peers, or “not sounding like a finger-wagging leprechaun reciting an amusing limerick”, you might consider coming up with something a bit more original. Just a suggestion from someone far less successful and educated than you.
Examples of Acceptable Usage
Again, I would not fault a leprechaun (or possibly a goblin) for cackling something like this to anyone who may have stumbled upon it’s lair. It should be noted, however, that after using this phrase one should always titter something along the lines of, “Well fiddle-de-dee!” followed by a gleeful mid-air heel-click.
Examples of Unacceptable Usage
Series like Indy aren’t truly trilogies. They are three standalone films. Simply having three films in a “universe” does not a trilogy make. They are just a film with sequels. What happens when the fourth installment of Die Hard comes out this year and Indy 4 arrives next May? All of sudden they aren’t trilogies.
– Rogue, DVDFile forums
You’re the one who blew it on F~A~G, not the admins, not the other posters. It was all YOU. Deal with it. Get over it. Learn from your huge mistake and apologize for abusing the flower feature. Perhaps they’ll let you back. I suspect not though, because I’ve no doubt you probably did other things to break the rules. One negative flower does not a banning make.
– DabbaDibba, Pissed Consumer Forums
5. Win/Fail/Epic Win/Epic Fail
No. Stop it.
Examples of “Acceptable” Usage
The only conceivable reason I can see for using any of these terms is if you were hoping to join in with all the other lazy, talentless, bandwagon-jumping vultures who’ve created any of the SIXTEEN BILLION “Fail Blogs” which have spread across the internet like STDs through a smalltown Christian private school. These sites make thousands in ad revenue every day by serving up exactly what the barely literate lowest-common-denominator internet user currently requests: An endless parade of vaguely humorous images with a single line of large-block text overlayed upon them.
And so, as I cannot begrudge a stupid person the right to make an honest living by exploiting other stupid people, I must reluctantly deem the “fail blog” practice to be acceptable. And anyway, there are FAR MORE OFFENSIVE EXAMPLES of stupid people who’ve become undeservedly rich and successful by making something stupid for dumb dummies.
Examples of Unacceptable Usage
I tried looking for examples by searching for “epic fail forum”, but looking through even a few of the results made me so intensely sad at the hopeless stupidity of such a large portion of the human race that I began to weep wholeheartedly and sincerely and continued weeping until the eventually the room had filled up with tears and became afraid so I froze some of the tears to try to make a tearboat for myself but it quickly melted and then sunk down and down and down into the warm darkness and took a deep deep breath and felt warm and comfort and goodness flowing into my lungs and heart and fell fast asleep.
So it is with this message that I bid you farewell: O cruel and stupid world! Ye hast done wrongly to me, and lo! I hath responded in kind by embracing the liquid death of a sincere and godly and honest man. My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Hop along, my little friends, up the Withywindle!”