The Casually Dismissive Guide to Cowboys

There
hasn’t been much written about cowboys these days. You might assume
that this is because cowboys are boring (and you would be right), but
luckily for you, I’m not one to shy away from subjects which are
“boring” or “stupid” or “a waste of everyone’s valuable time”.

So after
an exhaustive period of exhaustive research, I’ve compiled my findings
into this article, which should serve to answer the most common
cowboy-related questions I often receive such as: “What do Cowboys Do
All Day?” “Are All Cowboys Gay?” and “I Don’t Give a Shit What a Cowboy
is. Stop Talking About Cowboys You Jackass”.

 

So here look here, Cowboys:

It’d
probably be a good idea to begin this guide by defining what a cowboy
is at the most basic level, but I don’t really feel like doing that.
It’s a little too obvious if you ask me. And anyway, I doubt anyone
could even give you a concise description of what a cowboy even does.
For example, I was recently reading this forty-eight volume poem called
“My Buffalo Compatriots” by Arnlen Hymen, a poet laureate and prominent
cowpoke scholar. He his description of the cowboy life is quite telling:

Those cats in the wide
brimmed hats;

Ridin’ and ropin’ away the day.

Lasso in hand, spurs jangling jingle sweet;

Bring your calves home to suckle and sup.

Life’s lonely passenger, I whoop and howl;

Hooves and horns my desperate lovers.

Whoa there, Tangerine’s Ghost, my sweet palomino dream;

Whoa girl, whoa.

So
as you can see, even an accredited Old West expert like Hymen hasn’t
got a fucking clue what a cowboy does. Jingling spurs? Ridin and ropin?
Sex with a cow’s horn? He’s just making shit up based on songs he
heard. You’d get a better look at the cowboy lifestyle from half an
episode of Hey Dude.

 

Similarly, I just watched this
movie– Dr. Dolittle 3–in
which Eddie Murphy’s fake daughter gets sent
to a “Dude Ranch” where she spends her days “learning what real cowboys
do”. I’m reasonably sure the movie gets it wrong though, unless “what
real cowboys do” is ogle hot shirtless guys named Bo Jones, argue with
a dog voiced by Norm MacDonald, and listen to a mildly overweight
32-year-old “high school student” in a backwards hat and generic
football jersey make jokes about eating twinkies that even a toddler
would roll his eyes at. If this is the case, then I apologize to the
producers of Dr.
Dolittle 3, as their film is the most accurate cowboy
movie of all time.

 

To sum up: Nobody really knows anything about cowboys except that
they’re a bunch of sad drunks.

 

It
seems to me that one of the reasons cowboys have become so popular is
because they are somehow perceived as “gay”. Now I’m not here to
address whether or not the mere fact that such ignorant and homophobic
sentiments such as this still even exist is troubling (it is) but
rather to address the issue at hand: As a semi-fictionalized
profession, are cowboys more likely to engage in homosexual behaviors
than any other profession?

 

What exactly is it about the
idea of a bunch of burly, unshaven, physically fit men riding around on
horses in high-heeled boots, skin tight jeans, and unbuttoned shirts
which conveniently happen to expose their well-toned, heaving chests
that strikes some people as “homosexual”? It’s all a bit ridiculous if
you ask me.

 

In recent years, the “let’s all make fun
of gays because, hey: who cares!” movement has been helped along by the
release of the film (or should I say the trailer for the film)
Brokeback Mountain, which has, likely done more to set back respect for
homosexuality than a thousand of the most aggressively flamboyant
hissing queens hurling jeweled dildos into the mouths of sobbing
catholic children from a cockfloat in the world’s largest gay pride
parade could ever hope to.

 

And since everyone but gay
men,
married men, and women, were far too afraid or embarrassed to even see
the film, the rest of humanity (the cowards and idiots?) were only left
to speculate. And judging from what I’ve heard, Straight male America’s
reaction to the film ran the gamut from “Tee-hee! The two cowboys are
gay and they’re kissing and in love!” to “Fuckin’ faggot ass bullshit I
ain’t no fuckin’ goddamn queer and all the queers should be shot and
I’ll beat the shit out of any man who so much as accidentally brushes
against me at a Burger King due to the fact that it gave me a slight
erection.”

 

But in any case, all you hateful/homophobic
cowboy aficionados out there need not fear: My extensive research has
led me to conclude that cowboy, as a profession, is no more or less
“gay” than other completely ordinary occupation such as Sailor,
Motorcycle Police Officer, Leather Clad Bondage Biker, or Stereotypical
Indian Brave. So rest easy, fellas.

 

 

As
the title says, this section describes the three first cowboy films I
could remember. Well, actually they aren’t really “cowboy” films (as in
movies about cowboys) per-se, they’re more like movies in which people
dress and act sort of like cowboys or have the word “Cowboy” in the
title. The reason for this is that I couldn’t think of any good movies
about cowboys. They are all boring.

This
is an X-Rated movie about a male prostitute (Jon Voight) and his whiny,
mentally challenged, rat-faced friend (Dustin Hoffman).

Uh,
well I’m fairly sure Jon Voight wears cowboy boots and jeans in some
parts. I guess that’s something. Other than that, not much. Both of the
characters are sort of slow and dim-witted, that’s a cowboy trait
right? Cowboys seem like they would be pretty stupid.

This
film stars Will “High-Budget & Slightly Above Average” Smith,
and
Kevin “Who is That Again?” Klein as two men who are alive and perform
various actions according to a script.

Nothing
at all. But here’s a fun fact: In addition to starring in the film,
smith was also commissioned to perform in a “hit” (read: stupid) music
video for for the film in which (from what I can remember) he danced
around in leather cowboy bondage gear, groped Selma Hayek, and at one
point expressed the sentiment “Wiki-wild, wiki-wild, wiki wild wild
west” and threatened periodically to “roll” or “bounce” into the wild
wild west. The meaning behind these statements remains unclear, but
many took them to be a commentary on his hamfisted attempt to shoehorn
a shitty and obscenely ridiculous pop song into a slightly less shitty
and somewhat less ridiculous blockbuster film which was supposed to be
about the wild west and not the childish lyrical stylings of an
egomaniac with a raging hard-on for himself.

 

As well, many “fans” of the original Wild Wild
West (a television series from which the film was adapted)
took offense
to the inclusion of the song in the film because it belied the evil,
profit-seeking motives behind the film, and that it went against the
“pure” spirit of the original series, which I can only assume was: “Hey
It’s the Mid 60s Lets Create This Show So People Will Watch It And We
Can Make Money From Advertisers”.

 

Man, things were so much better in the old days.

A 1983 made-for-TV movie which probably starred James Brolin and Ted
Danson.

How
the hell should I know, I was less than a year old when this came out.
The only reason I even found it was because I got tired of thinking of
movies so I just searched IMDB for “cowboy”. Here’s the review one
commenter gave it though:

 

It is not a shoot ’em up
western. It’s not a cowboy movie, despite the title. It is set in a
contemporary rural America. I forgot the plot, but ReelzChannel.com
says it is about ex ghetto teacher Brolin hiring rodeo guy Danson to
fix up the ranch he has moved to; and the conflict with the locals.

Mainly,
I remember this for Brolin’s character and performance having a quiet,
contemplative vibe, his being a guy who wants peace, is slow to anger,
and harbors no ill will. A man of stillness and deep integrity. And
cinematography with beautiful country images. Fir trees. Barn. Boulder
overlooking mountain vistas. And the overall presentation evoking a
love of the country life out west.

If it makes its way back to the land of broadcast or video, it is worth
catching.

 

So
there you have it: A comprehensive guide to cowboys. I hope you’ve
learned as much reading this article as I did researching it, which
would be nothing. 

Cowboys blow.

Photos

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