Hot Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

 

By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
America’s
police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this
does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem
we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police
officer) just won’t let up! I can’t count the number of times I, or
some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the
police.
 
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had
just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We
were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon
Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly
out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with
questions. “Who are you?” “What are you doing?” “Why are you wearing
dragon suit?” Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger
welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder
curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made,
natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn’t
have had Kenshin’s spirit to protect me who knows what might’ve
happened. But since most of you aren’t fortunate enough to have the
spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I’ve written this guide
to teach you how to show the police who’s boss.
 

 

1. Don’t Be Pushed Around

This
is a great general rule for us to start with. Cops, by nature, are
pushy as all get-out. This is the way they are trained in police
school: To be vicious, heartless killers who won’t take no for an
answer. They will sooner trample on your rights like wolly’s mammoth
than to even tell you what time it is if you ask them.
 
In
fact, I wouldn’t even ask a cop what time it is. It’s likely they would
invoke “reasonable suspicion” (aka I can do whatever I want cause I’m a
cop) to strip you down to your skinnies and give you the rubber glove
treatment. It’s a scary thing. So yes, you must be tough when
confronting the police if you hope to come out with your dignity (and
freedom) intact. Whether it’s on a seemingly “routine” traffic stop or
if you’re a a suspect in a littering: Be aggressive, sensual, and
assertive.
 
 

2. Remind the Officer You Pay his Salary

It’s
the truth, and oftentimes police tend to “conveniently” forget this.
Essentially, this means you are his boss. And not just him either, but
every cop strutting the beat. Sometimes reminding them of this can even
be helpful to the officer himself. I remember once telling a cop this
as he had pulled me over for “speeding” and it caused him to stop and
consider what I had just said. He paused for a moment thoughtfully, and
finally shook his head and said “You know what, I actually never
thought about it that way, you’re right!” He let me off with just a
warning. That, ladies and gentleman, is real power.
 
The
bottom line, then, is this: Would a boss show his ID to an employee if
asked? Would a boss allow an employee to pat down his legs and crotch
for a weapon? As Grimli the dwarf would say: Not bloody likely! That’s
called sexual harassment, and you DON’T have to take it!
 
 

3. Know Your Miranda’s Rights

The
Carl Miranda rights are a list of important laws and statements that
the president has decreed a police officer must read to every suspect
before they are arrested. It is good to know these rights, because
sometimes the officer messes them up, which means you can call him out
on it and go scotts free. Here is a list of the rights (from memory,
natch!).  
 
 
1.
You have the rights to remain silent. Anything you say from this point
will be in the court of law. This right is guaranteed to you and
protected by the states attorney’s office.
 
2. If you are
injured say so at this time and I will bandage your wounds. Those in
need of food I shall feed you. If you are mentally afraid say so at
this time and I will administer a calming technique.
 
3. If
you cannot afford a meaningful attorney one will be afforded to you at
no personal risk to yourself. Those who can afford a meaningful
attorney will be expected to purchase one now, or forever uphold their
peace while defending him or herself to the best of his ability in the
court of law.
 
4. In accordance with the laws of our land:
You (or someone who has been elected as your representative party) may
decide to terminate this interview at any time.
 
5. Do you understand these rights that I am giving to you? Do you? Shake your head if you believe in these rights.
 
 

4. Undress the Officer With Your Eyes

You’ll
often hear this advice given to public speakers, and boy does it work
wonders. By imagining a cop all nuded, you’ve taken away all of his or
her power. It might sound sexy to think of a naked man wearing only a
cop hat and utility belt rubbing your inner thigh, but this really
isn’t the way most policework is done. Just remember: Nudity signified
weakness.
 
And if the officer happens to be female: Bonus! Time to make a little deposit in the spanks bank! Am I right fellas?
 
 

5. Use “I Feel” Statements

Human
feelings are like the heads and tails of a coin. Sometimes you win, and
sometimes you lose. When in a confrontation with the fuzz,
miscommunication (not saying things in the good fashion) are said to be
the cause of 99% of all arrests. So when speaking to an officer,
establish your dominance by being the bigger man and sharing your
feelings. Here are some examples.
 

• “I feel embarrassed when you ask me if the crushed white powder strewn about my floormats is crack cocaine.”
• “I
  feel hurt and disappointed when you ran my plates and came up with
  fourteen outstanding warrants for various offenses, including, but not
  limited too, Felony Child Neglect and Battery On A Person Over the age
  of 65. I thought out relationship was built on trust.”
• “I
  resent it when your flirting with the woman you just stopped for
  jaywalking keeps you from having time to focus on the Speeding in a
  School Zone ticket are supposed to be writing out for me. My feelings
  are important too. “

 
Knowing how to use these statements properly can go a long way in ensuring you get the respect you deserve from an officer.
 
 
 

6. The Five Questions

What many citizens do not realize is that you are LEGALLY ALLOWED
to ask 5 very specific questions to police before they are allowed to
put you in handcuffs and officially arrest you. They are as follows:
 
1. What is your full Christian name?
2. What is your badge number or social security number?
3.
Which local precinct are you affiliated with? (if they answer with
anything but the city you currently live in, you are out of their
jurisdiction and are free to go)
4. Is there a crime which has been committed, and if so, what is this crime?
5. Have you no respect for the common man?
 
If the officer refuses to answer even ONE
of these questions (or answers incorrectly), they have violated your
rights (not to mention the constitution of the America) and the arrest
is illegal. They will most likely arrest you anyway (being that they
are crooked), but there is nothing you can do aside from escape (which
I will cover in a moment). For now I suggest you keep a small notepad
with you, and mark and record each of the times the officer violates
you.
 
Once you arrive at the county jail you should immediately ask to speak with the district attorney. Again, they are LEGALLY BOUND
to transfer your call directly to him. If they do not do so, note the
time of their refusal in your notepad as well. Once you go to trial,
all you will need to do is walk up and show the pad to the judge and
vocalize your intent to sue the government for committing a hate crime
against you. 9 out of 10 times you will be released right then and
there. Ladies and gentlemen: That’s the power of knowledge.
 
 

7 Properly Resisting Arrest

If
all these tips fail, you will probably be arrested. But this is not the
end of the world. You may still resist. Many people believe that
resisting arrest is a crime. This could not be more false! I dare you
to find in any legal dictionary or other book of law where resisting
arrest is described as a crime. You can’t, because it isn’t there. Stop
making up lies. Resisting is not only legal, it is also a citizen’s
most important right. But of course you must also realize that there
are rules to lawful resisting. You must resist properly!
 

Announce Your Intent to Resist

One
of the most important things to do when you are being attacked by
police or placed in a handcuff is to announce your resistance in loud,
clear tones. Shouting something like “I’m Resisting! I’m Resisting! I’m
Resisting!” while they wrestle you to the ground is a good enough way
to let your assaulters (the police) know that you recognize your right
to resist as an American.
 

Ignore Their Pleas

Officers
will also often begin screaming back at you to “stop resisting.” Ignore
this. You never have to do what an officer says, and this is yet
another little trick the cops use to try to get you to give up your
human rights. When being placed under arrest for a crime you do not
believe you have committed, don’t be afraid to bite, punch, kick,
stroke, or spit in the face of police to let them know they can’t push
you around.
 
Many cops are also sick cowards, and will use
pepper spray or tazers on you for kicks. There isn’t much you can do at
this point to avoid being hurt, but at least you” have won a moral
victory (by forcing them to resort to violence).
 

Above All: KEEP QUIET!

Plenty
of cops are going to try to get you to admit to a crime before they get
you before a judge. Do not give them the satisfaction. They will often
lie to to you and make it seem like refusing to answer their questions
is a crime. It is not. The only information you are obliged to give an
arresting officer is your name, banking address of P.O. Box, telephone
number, zip code, and a place of business where your next of kin can be
reached. Any other questions should be answered only with the phrase
“Lawyer Me. Simply repeat this until you arrive at the jail front desk,
at which point you may speak freely (information given to a corrections
officer is protected by free speech and not legally allowed to be used
in court.)

 
 

I thank you all for joining
me on this journey though the complex inner workings of the legal
system. If you have any further need for legal advice, don’t despair.
If my cards fold right I will soon be starting up my own legal advice
column on this very site. So keep your periscope tuned on here!
 
But until that time, uphold your right!