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Review: The Mall Of America Circa 2008

I’d
estimate that 60% of stores in most malls are almost completely
worthless. Footlocker? Not even close to being needed. The Original
Mattress Factory? Total crap. Bath & Body Works? Please! What a
joke. All of these places could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t
make a bit of difference in anyone’s lives. In fact, the economy in the
area would no doubt improve because people who had been spending
thirty-eight dollars on a bottle of hotel shampoo in a fancy bottle
would suddenly find themselves flush with cash. It’s economic
stimulation.


I’d
estimate that 60% of stores in most malls are almost completely
worthless. Footlocker? Not even close to being needed. The Original
Mattress Factory? Total crap. Bath & Body Works? Please! What a
joke. All of these places could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t
make a bit of difference in anyone’s lives. In fact, the economy in the
area would no doubt improve because people who had been spending
thirty-eight dollars on a bottle of hotel shampoo in a fancy bottle
would suddenly find themselves flush with cash. It’s economic
stimulation.

But I assumed that stores like these weren’t even
close to being the worst of the worst, so I had a look through the Mall
of America store directory to see if I could find anything more
ridiculous. So here are all the stores even looters would probably
ignore.

Yankee Candle

YankeeOh
great, a store that sells candles and candle accessories. I can’t
imagine anything more thrilling. Well, possibly a store that only sold
potpourri dishes, or maybe even one just sells the doilies that the
dishes sit on. That would be pretty sweet. But anyway, this isn’t a
wish list, I was supposed to be talking about the candle store.

So
how insane do you have to be to travel all the way to the Mall of
America for candles? What, the forty different styles of candle the
craft store carries isn’t a wide enough selection for you? Is it absolutely necessary that
the air in your house be polluted with a slightly different scent every
day? Do you enjoy seeing visitors stumble through your house
clutching a blood-soaked rag to their mouth in a desperate attempt to
filter some breathable oxygen out of the acrid, smoke filled air?

I bet you do. I bet that’s how you get your kicks.

You sick animal.

Sox Appeal

Socks“Sox
Appeal has a large selection of great socks for men, women, and kids as
well as quality hosiery and slippers. Gift Boxes, Free Shipping.”

You
know what a better name for this store would’ve been? Something that
didn’t make me wish I had savagely beaten the person who came up with
it to death before he was able to think of it.

Magnet Max

MagnetI
can only assume that this is one of those legendary “only sells
magnets” stores I’ve heard so much about. I can’t think of many types
of magnets, but I’m pretty sure they sell them all. So they’ve got
those big red horseshoe magnets hanging on the walls, they’ve probably
got the little dot magnets kids use for experiments in school, and I
bet they even carry refrigerator magnets. I would certainly hope so.
But seriously, it’s beyond my comprehension how places like this stay
in business.

I don’t even think I can ever remember the last
time I used a magnet-centric item. I mean, sure, obviously I’ve used
objects which contain
magnets, but never a single novelty magnet product. I think my point
is: ARRRRGGH WHO THE
HELL IS BUYING THESE MAGNETS
?!

I’m
really gonna have to go to this store and have a look. Well, if I can
get over the embarrassment of being seen inside, that is.

Beadniks

BeadHere, I’ve edited the
description they provided for this business to make it more accurate:

“Beadniks
customers grudgingly assemble their own designs choosing from our mind
boggling selection of beads from around the world. Create functional,
beautiful gifts that your family and friends will open and say “Ohh…a
bandanna made of beads…that’s…neat.” as the excitement on their face
slowly morphs into barely-concealed disappointment. Whatever your
goal… the Beadniks experience is all about you!


Special
services include: Sales of jewelry, artifacts, beads, and out
consultants will even dab the tears off the beads as you work.
Customers are encouraged to make jewelry on site, because shit, where
else have they got to go? Take home kits are available to those who
have to get back and feed their seven cats. “Fun” for people of all
ages!

Just Dogs! Gourmet

DogHere’s the store description
from the directory:

“Just
Dogs! Gourmet, The World’s Tastiest Gourmet Dog Treats®, specializes in
hand-cut, all-natural dog treats made in their very own bakery. Treat
your favorite pet with a scrumptious Peanut Butter Bone, Tailhouse
Cookie or any other tasty Canine Confection. Along with multiple doggie
delicacies, Just Dogs! Gourmet also offers specialty dog merchandise
for your pampered pooch.”

Alright then. So with
that out of the way, I think I speak for a good percentage of the
world’s population when I say: What the fuuuuuuccck?! Now I haven’t
been to Just Dogs! Gourmet, partially because I never knew it existed,
but mostly because I find the idea of it offensively stupid, but I’d
like to just address this next section to anyone who’s purchased
something at just Dogs! Gourmet:

I know you people love your dogs (for
whatever reason), but come on. Dogs eat anything. You do realize that
right? Dogs will eat food if you chew it up and spit it on the floor in
front of them. Dogs eat beetles off the sidewalk. Dogs eat torn up pieces of grass. And most important of all: DOGS EAT THEIR OWN SHIT.
Yes, dogs are perfectly happy to eat their own shit, throw it up, then EAT THEIR OWN SHIT AGAIN. And you idiots are buying fourteen dollar organic chew bones and
jellied clam sorbet for them?!

Goddamn.

If
you didn’t need your money, the least you could’ve done was donate it
to a homeless shelter or something. Or better yet, just smear the bills with your own shit and let the dog eat
them
instead. It wouldn’t even know the difference.

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