I
recently picked up this catalog at my grandma’s house. I’m not exactly
sure what the theme of it is supposed to be. The cover claims that the
publishers are “The Home Cleaning Experts”, so I thought it might be
selling cleaning supplies, but then I looked inside and I couldn’t
really find any cleaning stuff. So I can only assume that this catalog
is built upon a foundation of lies and deception.

This is good news for
me, because it probably means they have some crazy useless stuff for
old people in here. I love it.

Products For Obsessive Compulsives

Plastic Carpet Sheeting

OK,
so let me see if I’ve got the straight. YOU bought and installed
carpet, YOU allowed people to wear muddy, wet shoes in your house, YOU
started complaining when the carpet started to get dirty and worn out,
and now YOU are going to cover the carpeting YOU have already allowed
to become ruined with gaudy plastic sheeting. Is that pretty much the
size of it?

But hey, here’s an idea: Instead of turning your
entire house into a giant muddy slip-n-slide/crime scene, why not
consider ASKING PEOPLE TO TAKE THEIR FUCKING SHOES OFF. What’s next,
are you gonna cover your chairs with plastic in case someone happens to
drop a small piece of food on them?

Plastic Chair Sheeting

Aaarrrggggjh!
What is WRONG with you?! You seriously just covered a fabric
chair in a tarp? WHY DID YOU EVEN BUY A FABRIC CHAIR?! Just buy a
plastic chair! Cut out the middleman! People buy chairs with fabric
cushions for one of two reasons: Comfort and looks. You’ve managed to nullify
both of these. And it cost you 10 dollars per chair. Well done.

Vinyl Tablecloth Protector

The
idea that someone would even consider purchasing this product is
offensive beyond belief. A tablecloth is meant to serve as a protective
cover for your table. So what you are actually purchasing here is a
protective cover for a protective cover. You had better be careful
though. If you keep wasting your money like this, there isn’t going to
be much left for you to will to your cats when you die.

Strange Products I Do Not Understand

Lift Your Refrigerator With One Foot

The
copy for this product reassures: “You don’t need to be super strong to
lift your fridge!” and then instructs: “Insert one end of our Easy
Lifter under any appliance or heavy furniture piece and gently step on
the other end.” While this may sound impressive, it is important to
note that the text does not actually explain what the hell the point of
this thing is.

So alright, you’ve managed to “lift your appliance up
to 3 inches off the ground”. Now what? You can’t really get anything
from under it without help since your foot has to stay on the thing,
and you sure can’t move the appliance around because only one end
is lifted up. You’ve spent 15 dollars in order to accomplish nothing at
all. Maybe this is supposed to be the homeopathy of home improvement products or something.

Similar Products (Also Available from Home Trends):

Rotate Your End Table Clockwise 14
Degrees
Chase the Cat Off Of The Stove By Screaming
Tear a Chunk out Of Some Sheetrock
Paint the Underside
of Your Couch a Slightly Different Color

Squirrel Deterrent Bags

No!
No! Get away you squirrels! That birdseed isn’t for you! That’s for a
different species of affectionless wild animal I have arbitrarily
chosen to
feed! I don’t care how cute you think you are. Look at you, standing
there on your
hind legs with tiny little paws and your soft fur. It’s pathetic.

Honestly, get out of here. You’re really starting to piss me off. CAN’T YOU SEE I WAS ATTEMPTING TO
FEED THESE SCREECHING ANTISOCIAL BLUEJAYS SO THEY WOULD CRAP ON THE
HOOD OF MY CAR. You squirrels make me so angry!

Products Which Should Really Stop Telling Me What to Do

Shhhhh! It’s a Wall Safe

Hey! I
don’t give a crap if it’s the world’s best wall safe, there isn’t any cause
for you do be shushing me. Do you have any idea how rude that is? I
actually think it’s ruder to shush someone for making noise than it is
to make noise in the first place.

So not only am I not going to shush,
I’m deliberately going to go out of my way to make even more noise than I was
originally. You brought this on yourself, pal.

Oh and by the way: Really stupid idea.

Go Ahead, Eat That Extra Piece of Pie

Oh
ho. You can’t fool me, catalog. I know your tricks. You’re trying to
fatten me up so I’ll have fewer friends, get out less, and therefore
have more money to spend on the useless crap inside you. You wily old
fox. Well I’m not falling for it. Just a second…

“No thanks mom, I won’t have that last piece of pie, I’m going to go for a jog instead.”

Hah! See? You can’t win. I’ll be fit and thin in no ti- Wait
a second, what IS this thing? A button extender that increases the
waist size of your pants an inch? Oh my god. That is hilarious.