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Animal Awards 3: Mice

The
history books are filled with famous mice and rats. Well maybe not the
REAL history books. The television and film history books probably are though.
But here’s an interesting question for you: Does the fact that these
famous rodents are fictional make them any less important in our modern
society? I would assume the answer to this is yes, but then again you
can never be sure of anything in this crazy world of ours.

I
suppose it doesn’t matter anyway though, since I’m going to hand out
awards to them anyway. That’s right. I don’t play by society’s rules.

The
history books are filled with famous mice and rats. Well maybe not the
REAL history books. The television and film history books probably are though.
But here’s an interesting question for you: Does the fact that these
famous rodents are fictional make them any less important in our modern
society? I would assume the answer to this is yes, but then again you
can never be sure of anything in this crazy world of ours.

I
suppose it doesn’t matter anyway though, since I’m going to hand out
awards to them anyway. That’s right. I don’t play by society’s rules.

Worst Mice of All Time (In No Particular Order)

I
had an extremely difficult time finding rats or mice who were deserving
of awards. So once again, this ceremony will have somewhat of a
negative vibe to it, as I will only be handing out honors to the worst
of the worst in the rodent kingdom. I feel it is also important to note
that only mice and rats were eligible to receive these awards. I had to
leave out other types of rodent such as muskrats, ferrets, and badgers
(pretty sure that’s a rodent) because of time constraints, so please
don’t email me about this.

Chuck E. Cheese

ChuckNobody
who has visited one of his restaurants should be surprised to see this
mouse receive a “Worst Of” award. But for those who aren’t familiar
with his work: Chuck E. Cheese is the founder of a number of children’s
arcades/playlands which encourage children to gamble.

It works
like this: Children’s (or their parents) pay cash for tokens, which can
then be used to play games of “skill”, which in turn will award the
player with tickets upon completion of a task. These tasks range in
complexity from knocking something over with a ball to dropping a token
into a glass container filled with other coins and seeing what happens.
There are many other types of games as well, and they are all similar
in that none of them are even remotely fun.

Now I’ve never
read the bible, but I’m fairly sure gambling is listed as a sin in
there, which would officially make Chuck E. Cheese a peddler of sin,
and therefore one of Satan’s minions. So I think he’s qualified to
receive this award.

The “Hickory, Dickory, Dock” Mouse

HickoryFor those who are unfamiliar: This is the mouse who ran up the clock in the “Hickory, Dickory, Dock” nursery rhyme.

Hickory, dickory, dock;

The mouse ran up the clock.

The clock struck one, the mouse ran down;

Hickory, dickory, dock.
Why
the original author of “Hickory Dickory” believed this behavior was
interesting enough to warrant an entire nursery rhyme I do not know.
Most other nursery rhymes describe things which are fantastic (or at
the very least, are of passing interest).

Just look at another rhyme, “Hey-Diddle-Diddle”, as an example.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle;

The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such fun,

And the dish ran away with the spoon.
DiddleIt’s
about the same number of words, but look at all the amazing things they
work in: Cows with super strength, laughing dogs, a fiddle-playing cat,
and a tawdry affair between a dish and a piece of anthropomorphic
flatware. When you’ve got something like that to read, nobody’s going
to give a crap about some dumb mouse who climbs on furniture.

So that’s why I’m awarding
the author (not the mouse) of the “Hickory Dickory Dock” rhyme this
“Worst Mouse” award: For wasting everyone’s time by describing the
minutia which make up a mouse’s dull life. Thanks for nothing.

Gadget Hackwrench & Monterey Jack

Rescue RangersThese
are two of the main mice from the children’s cartoon Chip & Dale:
Rescue Rangers. I can’t be bothered to look it up, but here’s how I
remember this show:

Chip & Dale are two chipmunks who live
in a tree. Chip wears a leather bomber jacket and no pants. He is also
somewhat of an ass, and is always screaming at Dale (an ostensibly
southern, buck-toothed, hayseed of a rodent in a Hawaiian shirt)
because of some mistake the latter has ostensibly made. Together, these
two go on missions to help other animals who are in trouble. At least,
that’s what I think they were supposed to do, according to the theme
song. I don’t remember them helping anyone, but whatever.

They
live with two mice in a hollowed out tree. One of these mice is
Monterey Jack, an obese British mouse with a large, meaty mustache.
Monterey Jack is a some kind of cheese junkie; whenever he smells
cheese
nearby he goes into a terrifying blind food-based rage, tearing apart
small children, pieces of homemade furniture, and cattle in order to
get to some cheese.

GadgetThe second mouse
is Gadget Hackwrench, a mouse with hair and coveralls (who I assume
must have been some sort of a mechanic or something otherwise why would
she be wearing coveralls) who served as a “love interest” in whatever
twisted cross-species rodent love triangle (Chip, Dale, Gadget) the
show’s creators had devised that week.

Monterey Jack never
showed any interest in the apparently attractive Gadget, which (along
with a few of his other features and proclivities) leads me to believe he may have been
one of the first (if not the very first) closeted gay mice ever to be featured in a children’s cartoon series. But regardless of
either of their sexualities, these two were crap mice on a crap show.

Good riddance.

Farfour

Farfour!Wikipedia
describes this mouse as: ‘[The] aggressively (sp) anti-Semitic former
presenter on the Hamas-run children’s show, Tomorrow’s Pioneers.’ If
you can’t quite understand what this means, it’s pretty much saying
that Farfour is a mouse who hates Jews. This is so far-fetched I’m not
even sure it can be considered offensive.

I actually feel that
this mouse was likely incorrectly categorized as an anti-Semite. This
often happens with rodents, because if you ask a rodent what it thinks
of Jews it will obviously answer that it hates them. But the truth is,
if you were to continue asking it’s opinion on other religious groups
or races, it will reply that it hates them as well. The reason for this
is that rodents hate all humans. This is almost certainly the case for
Farfour as well. The people at Tomorrow’s Pioneers probably just didn’t
realize it.

Also, the “former” in “former presenter” also
leads me to believe that Farfour was eventually fired (or laid off)
from his position of anti-Semitic mascot for Tomorrow’s Pioneers. I’m
not sure he’s going to have an easy time finding more work either, as I
think the market for rodents who spout racially-charged rhetoric is
pretty well saturated at this time.

But obviously I’m not excusing Farfour’s bad behavior. He is certainly one of the worst mice of all time.

For shame.

Drunks

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