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Cheesy Catalog Review: Signals!

It’s
strange to me that mail-order catalogs even exist anymore. Who exactly
is still buying crap from these things? It can only be that there are
far more reasonably well-off childless women in their early-to-late 40s
who are somehow still unaware of the internet than I had originally
thought. But even so…the overpriced junk they sell in the Signals
catalog is so useless it makes Hammacher Schlemmer seem like an auto parts catalog.

So let’s have a look at some of their best products.

It’s
strange to me that mail-order catalogs even exist anymore. Who exactly
is still buying crap from these things? It can only be that there are
far more reasonably well-off childless women in their early-to-late 40s
who are somehow still unaware of the internet than I had originally
thought. But even so…the overpriced junk they sell in the Signals
catalog is so useless it makes Hammacher Schlemmer seem like an auto parts catalog.

So let’s have a look at some of their best products.

The Cat Lady Collection

Various Clothing

ClothesFrustrated
at your inability to attract a man? No problem! Simply purchase any
item of the clothing from this series and your worries will simply melt
away! While wearing any of these garments, already unattractive women
will become practically INVISIBLE to members of the opposite sex!

This
might seem counterproductive to you, but that’s probably because you’re
so dense! Think of wearing these garments as clothing yourself in a
magical fabric which wick away the last remnants of pesky traits like
dignity, self-worth, and hope from your body. This leaves you free to
enjoy pursuits like designing clothing for pets, posting rants on doll
collector message boards, and sobbing uncontrollably while driving home
from family gatherings.

$19.95-39.95

Pet Ashes Pendant

PendantI’m just going to go ahead and type out the last part of the catalog’s description for this one:

“1
inch screwtop pendant hangs from an 18” sterling silver cable chain.
The back is left unadorned so you may have it engraved. Arrives with a
funnel in a black velveteen gift bag.


Ahem.

$59.95

The Dark Arts Collection

Sinister Obsidian Hand

Black HandThe
description of this product claims I’ll think of countless ways to use
this sculpture. I guess I’m a failure, because I tried, and I can’t
even think of one. They do give an idea of their own about how it could
be used though, they say it would make a great “conversation piece”.
That’s the best selling-point they were able to come up with. Nicely
done, Signals.

If you think about it, pretty much anything
could be used as a conversation piece. For example: You might say to
your friend Tom of a worn piece of felt you found in the parking lot at
Arby’s, “Hey Tom, check out this worn piece of felt I found in the
parking lot at Arby’s.” And Tom would say, “I don’t care.” Technically,
that would be a conversation. So a piece of junk felt (which was free,
might I add) was just as good of a conversation starter as this stupid
evil hand which costs 40 dollars.

$39.95

The Shrieking Buddha

Fat GodThis
is an elegant, hand-carved, sixteen inch tall seminude statuette of
what appears to be a morbidly obese childdemon reveling at the height
of some perverse blood ritual, his pudgy arms raised in dark tribute to
the sinister being he serves. 

His plus-sized swaddling clothes (which barely conceal his mangled elephantine genitals) add an air of
sensuality to this already intriguing figure. Elderly relatives and
children of all ages will no doubt enjoy hours of fun rubbing the
distended belly and lovingly tweaking the tender nipple buds of this
terrifying religious figure.  

$69.00

The Poor Choice of Words Collection

Balls

Suggestively Titled Golf Book

Maybe I’m being a little childish, but it seems to me that titling your
book “Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies” is just
asking for trouble. It also doesn’t help that the description lists it
as containing “encounters with wildlife” and “hazards from legendary
locales such as Old Head”. Am I wrong here?
$29.95

Pig Pillow

Pig PillowNow
I’m no expert on women, but I’m reasonably certain that most of them wouldn’t
appreciate the sentiment of this personalized pillow, which starts off
by likening them to a fat, hairy, filth-ridden sow (complete with
picture), and then goes on to accuse them of ‘Hogging the blankets’.
You may as well just get her a pillow that says:

“Put Your Fat Head Here, Fatso.



– P.S. You Are Fat”

$19.95

There
are plenty of other entertaining products in this catalog (well, all of
them are pretty funny, actually) but I suppose I have to make the cut
off somewhere, so it might as well be here. I guess since this is a
review I’m supposed to put a score at the end here, but I don’t really
feel like doing that. I’ll just type in a random number instead.
Hopefully this’ll provide a satisfying conclusion to the article, but
if not, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time:

2463

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