It doesn’t take much to make a stranger’s life better. It also doesn’t
take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to
figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be
featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?

It doesn’t take much to make a stranger’s life better. It also doesn’t
take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to
figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be
featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?

Sainted

On
September 6th I was shopping at the Maple Park Cub Foods store. As I
stood at the service desk returning a pound cake I had recently
purchased, I overheard a conversation. It was the store manager,
speaking to a very elderly woman. He was explaining that she shouldn’t
walk home because of the severe thunderstorm that was raging outside,
and that he would find somebody to take her. Since I had time, I
volunteered. The Cub employees were so kind; I received a 40 dollar
gift card, an entry in a new car drawing, and a Cub Foods bumper
sticker for my trouble. I didn’t really even have to bring the old
woman home either; I just left her on the curb at a nearby freeway
entrance ramp. Thanks guys!

Tainted

The mean
young man who I had the misfortune of meeting at Lakeview cemetery last
Sunday. On this day I was standing near the goldfish pond. I was having
a pleasant chat on my phone with my elderly mother. I did at that point
feel an insistent tapping on my shoulder. I turned and found this man
glaring at me. I did notice he had a bundle of flowers under his arm.
He informed me (rudely) that I was “standing on his baby daughter’s
grave” and asked me “would I please move”. At this point I did roll my
eyes and turn away to continue my conversation. The man did shout and
violently took my phone and threw it into the fish pond, where it did
sink. This man owes me one Nokia 5200 TracPhone, of the price of not
less than twenty-five dollars. The man wore a black t-shirt and
appeared Mexican in origin. If you see this man please ask him if he
was the one.  

Tainted

The K-Mart discount
store on West 71st Street. I use an electric cart to get around because
I am 300-450 pounds overweight and sometimes have trouble walking and
breathing. I was looking to get one of the deep fat fryers from the
store so I could prepare some of my world famous batterdipped Snickers
bars. Unfortunately they were all located on the top shelf, which I
could not reach since I am unable to move. I attempted to dislodge a
few of the boxes with a sawed-off broom handle I keep in my cart for
just such an occasion, but to no avail. I then prodded at a passing
redshirt with the handle and demanded he retrieve one of the boxes for
me. He only swatted me away and said “I have a forklift in the back I
can get. Then I can lift your fat lard ass up to get your fryer so you
can fry some more fat in lard to feed your own fat lard ass, fatty.”
Although I felt this was uncalled for, I grudgingly agreed to his
terms, whereupon he simply laughed and walked away. You can be sure I
will never shop at this store again.

Sainted

Rawwwawawooooaaaaoooww!
Reeaarrrrrrr. Hhhhhsss. Skt. Skit. *scrabble* Raawwwrrrr!
Meeeaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww! RAAWOWOWOWOWOWWWW! *scamper* Hsssssss.
Thhhhhhtt. REERERERREREEEEERRRRAAWAWAWAOOOW!

Ssssstttt. Sssssssssssstttt! MAAOOOWW! RAOOOOW! *scratch* YAAWWWWWWLLLL! Raaaiiiiirrrrrr!
Meeeeeaaaawwwww. MEEEAAAOOOWWW! Hssssssss. EAOW. EAOW. EAOW. EAOW.
EAOW. Eaow. MEEEEEAAAOOOWWWW!

Tainted

The
beautiful girl I asked out at Wendy’s a few days ago. It’s difficult
enough for a man like me to ask a woman out, but I don’t see any reason
for your inappropriate response. Yes, I did have my hands in my pocket
and was moving them around while I was talking to you, and yes I was
also moaning under my breath and saying “Awww yeahhhh, that’s the
stuff”. You pushed me into the buffet and ran out the door, which I
thought was more than rude. It may interest you to know that I have a
flaky rash on my inner thighs, and I was simply scratching it with the
stitching on the inside of my pockets. There wasn’t any need for you to
get the police involved either. They didn’t believe a word I said.