Alright,
I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the
world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard
one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in
Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead
of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you
thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff
about table manners.

Part 3 – More Table Manners

Part 4 – Japanese Culture

France

Meat
should never be cut with a knife and fork. It is customary to grasp a
piece of meat tightly with both hands and tear at it wildly while
crouching on the table or a high stool. If another diner approaches or
attempts to take the meat from you, snap at them and begin to urinate
submissively.
It is considered bad manners to talk with your mouth full of food. Spit
the food on the table before you speak.

Do
not, under any circumstances, put ice in your wine. Wine will served at
the temperature some sour-faced and joyless European believes it is
meant to be served at. What, are you one of those people who believe
each individual should be allowed the freedom to enjoy food and
beverage in any way they wish because everyone’s tastes and needs will
surely be different? What an ass.
When you’ve emptied your
liquor glass, it is considered extremely impolite to ask for more.
Signify you would like more by toppling off your chair and lying
splayed out and giggling on the floor with your hand down your pants.

Kenya

You
should always use only your right hand when eating or receiving food.
What’s that you say? You recently suffered a massive stroke and
subsequently lost the use of the entire right side of your body? Well I
suppose you’ll just starve then won’t you! There’s no excuse for
rudeness.
It usually isn’t considered proper to give out “bites”
of food to other people at the table. If you must do this though, the
correct method of transferring food is to place the item between your
thumb and forefinger and then gently place into in the mouth of the
other person while whispering “Oh yeeeah… you like that? Mmmmmmm, it
tastes good doesn’t it? Uhhhnnnnn…..”

Hey! Put down that salt and pepper! You aren’t to use that! In fact,
don’t ever use any condiments. EVER!
Do you know how insulting it is to the cook when you season your food?
He’s extremely sensitive; a regular basket case. In fact, I’m not sure
why we even have condiments on the table at all. Here, let me just
sweep everything off the table and into this dumpster here. There. Now
we can enjoy our bland meal without hurting the huge whimpering infant
of a cook’s precious feelings.

Japan

When
in Japan, it’s probably best not to even eat at all. Pretty much
anything you do besides sitting and staring at the wall is considered a
grievous insult. Here, just look at this (abridged) list of things
which are considered shameful and insulting in Japan:

Lightly clinking your spoon against the bottom of your
cereal bowl
Looking at your host
Refusal to look at your host
Standing under eaves in the rain
Staring disaffectedly out the window of any vehicle
Petting a dog without its permission
Showing affection towards handicapped children
Gesturing in any manner with the hands
Refusal to enjoy animated child pornography
Shouting for help
Swallowing food too loudly
Throwing gum wrappers into the urn containing the ashes of
a host’s treasured relative

Mexico

Sombrero Bros

During
a dinner, be ready for the occasional “hand check”. This is a Mexican
custom in which the host will cry out “Hand Check!” and each person at
the table should raise both hands into the air. This is done to ensure
that none of diners are fondling or probing themselves inappropriately
during a meal. The last person to raise their hands (or anyone who
fails to raise them) is said to be “Un Gato Caliente” and will be
shunned for the remainder of the meal (and possibly desert).
Try
to resist the urge to refer to the other diners as “Pancho” or
“Chachi”, even though you were CLEARLY just joking around and for some
reason those uptight Mexicans just got offended by it and really you
aren’t racist if they would just get to know you and you even had a
Mexican girlfriend once or at least she seemed Mexican. On second
thought she might’ve been Italian or something.

Don’t hit or
knock on an empty plate, as it is considered “calling for the devil”.
Can you believe that?! I mean, what is this, the 17th century all of a
sudden? I would do it and see if it freaks anyone out. If you could get
someone to flick off the lights right after you did it and smash a
glass on the floor while screaming “El Diablo! El Diablo!” Man, would I
ever love to see the look on those Mexican’s faces when you did that!

Alright,
I think I’ve just about covered every country in the world now (how
many are there now, about 20?) so I’m sure you have more than enough
information about table manners around the world. Enjoy your collective
meals.