I
once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on
and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would
follow vague, new-age “medical” advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became
worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too
harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all
wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was
part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said
“I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by
the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It’s divided into
two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

I
once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on
and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would
follow vague, new-age “medical” advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became
worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too
harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all
wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was
part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said
“I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by
the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It’s divided into
two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

 

If
you’re fat, you’ll need to go about getting fit in different ways. You
can’t just go down to the gym and start exercising. In fact, this can
actually be quite dangerous. For example, what if you were running on a
treadmill and your jiggling fat set you off balance causing you to fall
onto the still-moving treadmill which in turn flung your hulking frame
backwards through the plateglass window of the gym, sending it
plummeting down ten stories onto three toddlers collectively cuddling a
cute newborn puppy, crushing them all into a shapeless grey paste?
Hadn’t considered that, had you? Irresponsible.

So what’s a
fat person to do? You still want to get fit, but any attempts at
exercise will most likely result in the deaths of one or more innocent
bystanders. Well surprisingly enough, there are actually plenty of ways
to lose weight without exercising at all! Here are a few of the best.

Become Addicted to
Methamphetamine

Meth
may be supremely dangerous and extremely harmful to your health, but
it’s also a great weight-loss solution! Consider heading downtown to a
street corner somewhere and picking up a gram or two of this wonder
drug if you’d like an easy (and fun) way to lose a few pounds. And
aside from weight loss, being addicted to Methamphetamine has other
benefits. I won’t go into them all now, but let’s just say you’re
definitely going to get a lot more housework done.

(Hey kids! For more fun information about drugs, see these three guides
.)

Consider Anorexia /
Bulimia

Contracting
either of these emotional disorders is a sure fire way to lose some
pounds. If you’re not a big fan of food, try a date with old Anna. But
if you’ve a soft spot for the taste of steak, Bulli might be more your
style. If you’re still having trouble choosing, why not try both! Mark
your calendar with the phrase “Spit not Swallow” on even dates, and
“Splurge & Purge” on odd days. Your bones will be jutting out
sharply like those of a semi-fresh corpse in no time flat. When you
look into the mirror, it’ll be hard not to faint from pure joy (or
malnutrition)!

 

Carve it Off!

This
nontraditional weight-loss method has been practiced since the early
17th century. It’s quite simple really. You simply find a sharp
implement such as a penknife or a rusty screwdriver (standard head, not
Phillips) and begin gouging huge chunks of flesh out of problem areas.
To minimize scarring, doctors recommend applying a topical ointment
such as Bactine or Vasoline to the gaping wounds after the oozing has
subsided.

 

For
those of you who might just be carrying around a few extra pounds, a
daily trip to the gym is probably the best way to go if you want to get
into better shape. But be warned, it isn’t all fun and games. There are
hidden dangers and hidden tricks you need to be made aware of before
you sign up for that membership.

 

Membership Tricks

Gyms
have an atypical business model which consists of forcing its
patrons to purchase costly extended memberships (which last anywhere
from two to a hundred and eighty six years) and then simply hoping they
will become bored or tired and never come back. Obviously this works
90% of the time, as anyone who’s even had a gym membership can attest
to. The thought process of a person considering heading to the gym
usually goes something like this: Hmm, I can either…

 

1. Continue
   lying here in this chair, scooping cheesecake ice cream out of this
   container with my bare hand while watching Judge Judy

   OR

2. Get
   up, lock up the house, get in the car, drive to the gym, change my
   clothes, run on the treadmill for 15 (13.5) minutes, do 6 reps of 30
   pounds on the bench press, lie on the leg press machine for 25 minutes
   until someone yells at me, do a few situps and decide to go home
   because I think I might be getting a stomach ache, take a shower,
   change back into my regular clothes, drive back home, get the ice cream
   back out of the freezer, lie back down on the floor, and watch the
   stupid news because Judge Judy is over.

I don’t think I need to tell you which one usually wins out.

 

Hired Goons

But
of course there are still those strange souls who, against all odds,
continue to visit the gym on a regular basis. Obviously the gym does
not like this (it cuts into their profits or something, I don’t know),
and so they hire some underhanded fitness contractors (the secret
shoppers of the fitness industry) to make your experience as unpleasant
as possible. Here are some of them:

This
is the guy on the bench press next to you with about eight thousand
pounds on each side, thrusting the bar into the air again and again
while SCREAAAMING with animalistic fury while you struggle with the bar
pressed to your chest after doing a single rep of 30 pounds. This man
was paid by the gym to do this in an attempt to intimidate you into
leaving. But to be fair, the people standing around you laughing were
probably doing it of their own accord.

 

If
you’ve ever dared to change clothes or shower in the locker room at the
gym, you’ve surely met up with Old Lloyd at one time or another. He’s
approximately a hundred and twelve years old, and you’ll see him just
sort of wandering around the locker room nude. He’ll come up to you for
a chat while you’re sitting on the bench lacing up your shoes, putting
one leg up on the bench next to you. If you happen to look over, there
it will be. The Little Lloyd, dangling right there, inches from your
face. You’ll never come back again.

 

He’s
short, has shaved head, always wears sunglasses, and his muscles bulge
out from under his shirt
in horrible thick cables. And these aren’t his only problems.
He
says, “What’s goin’ on bro?” when you arrive, and “Keep it real, bro!”
when you leave. Oh, he also drives a Japanese motorcycle and parks it
INSIDE the building in the entryway. Grrr.

 

It’s
likely you’ll see two types of women when you go to the gym. You’ll see
Regular Women (which is fine, obviously) and then there are Horrible
Throbbing Manbeasts Who Could Tear You In Half. Obviously this
is
not OK. You do not want to be sitting at a machine working out, and
hear a gruff, gravelly voice behind you say “You almost finished with
that machine pal?” and turn around expecting to see some Hell’s Angel
standing there swinging a chain, but instead you’re staring up at a
pulsating mass of orange muscle with a frizzy shock of sandy hair and
arms like thick bridge support cables. Supposedly, at one time, this
was a gentle and beautiful woman. Dear god…

I hope
you’ve gotten some great ideas about weight loss from reading this, and
are getting out of your chair to start a new fitness regimen right now.
If you ever get discouraged, just try to remember that the first two
letters of FITNESS are FI. Not sure what that could stand for, but I’m
sure you can come up with something.