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Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 – Vampires



By Henry

For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living
in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking
the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person
a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may
never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning
something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research
I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.



By Henry

For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living
in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking
the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person
a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may
never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning
something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research
I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Part 1 – Werewolves

Part 1.5 – Werewolf Q&A

Part 2 – Mummies

Part 3 – Vampires

Science
Science

There hasn’t been much research done in the field of vampires. This
might have something to do with them not existing, but I’m not sure.
Luckily, I was able to discover a lot of little-known or secret
information on vampires using my research methods (typing “vampires”
into a search engine and clicking random results). Here are some of the
most common methods in which a vampire is said to be created.

Bitten by Another Vampire
Bitten

This doesn’t seem too serious, or likely. Do you realize how difficult
it is to bite some passerby on the street? Go ahead and try it
sometime, you’ll have a facefull of mace or a crotchfull of foot before
you even get close. Now try it while dressed in a tuxedo and a cape.
Man, you’ll be in the back of a squad car the second you step out of
the house.


Corpsejumping
Dog Jump

Some ancient cultures feared that if an animal such as a cat or dog
jumped over a corpse it would turn into a vampire. Perhaps it was
thought that the fur of these animals contained some kind of
necromantic dust which would have been sprinkled on the body
as the animal flew. Whether or not this was true, I don’t really think
this would be a difficult problem to deal with. Don’t just leave dead
bodies lying around on the ground where any old beast can go jumping
all over them. Problem solved.

Bitten By Bat While
Carrying Absurd and Inexplicable Immortality Virus in Bloodstream

Bat Bite

Anyone unfortunate enough to have accidentally viewed the film
Underworld may be familiar with this film’s explanation for the origin
of vampires, which is:

A
long time ago some guy survived a plague that killed everyone else in
town. Instead of causing seeping pus-filled buboes on his armpits and
groin, it made him magical and immortal for no apparent reason
whatsoever. In his grief, he climbed over the festering and mushy
corpses of his friends and family and began having sex with some lady
while sobbing. They had three kids. Two of them began a strict regimen of
woodland creature taunting, which resulted in one being bitten by a bat
and the other being bitten by a wolf.

I guess this is supposed to explain the origins of vampires and
werewolves, but mostly it makes me wish for a true sequel to the film.
In this sequel (perhaps it could be called Underworld 1.5) each person
involved in the making of Underworld would be lashed with lengths
knotted rope and then thrown from scaffolding into a busy intersection.
Nobody ever seems to make the movie I want to see though.

Evidence
Evidence

Here is some of the amazing evidence I uncovered:

Anyone
who had a hideous appearance, was missing a finger, or had ANIMAL
APPENDAGES, etc. was believed to be a vampire.

Boy there must have been some kind of impressive inbreeding going on
here. I think that whether or not someone is a vampire is the least
important issue when they have a badger’s arm, hedgehog legs, or
hooves.

Even
plants could become vampires. Pumpkins or melons kept in the house too
long would start to move, make noises or show blood.

Vegetables turning into vampires, huh? If I can forgive that this
“fact” doesn’t even follow basic vampire logic (leaving something
sitting out causes vampirism?), I would still like to know how exactly
a vampire pumpkin is supposed to be dangerous. The worst it could do is
roll off of a table and make a mess, and how scary is that? Though I do have to admit that a chill sometimes runs up my spine when inanimate objects cause minor inconveniences. Go ahead! Call me a coward if you want, I can take it.

Pop
Culture
Culture

Vampires are about as bad as werewolves when it comes to their
representation in popular culture. These days most films which feature
vampires are as dumb as the people who enjoy them. Don’t believe me?
Here are some actual
unedited customer reviews of popular vampire films. I think they
speak for themselves:

Blade Trinity:
If you are a fan of the Blade series, you’ll love this movie. Wesley is
great as usual. And man..you have got to check out Jessica…she is sooo
HOT! She really got in great shape for this movie. The first time I
ever saw Jessica was in the movie Texas Chainsaw massacure and she
looked good in that movie too with the low cut jeans on. But I
digress…..Balde Trinity is a GREAT movie.

Blade Costume

Queen of the Damned: I
am in love with this movie, I loved it so much i bought the books! and
interveiw with the vampire 9it is dull im comparrison to this
magnificant film!) Stuart Townsand is so hot in this movie he’ll make
you want to eneter the dark world! 😛

Interview with the
Vampire:
i loved this. tom cruise did a great job and it
was well made. bradd pitt plays a vampire and so does tom cruise.

Tommy Cruise

The Lost Boys: 5
words: You have to see this movie!!!!

Destruction
DEsctuction


Garlic
Vampire Garlic

Vampires apparently don’t like garlic so it will probably kill one. I
wouldn’t just throw a piece of garlic though; that would probably just
make them mad.

Stake in Heart
Stake Heart

Stab a stake through a vampire’s heart and it dies, right? Well it
isn’t that simple. I guess you have to do it during the day while
they’re asleep in their coffin. This would involve breaking and
entering which, in case you haven’t heard, is against the law. A
vampire’s home is his castle (even literally in this case) and I
couldn’t condone you violating his privacy, so find another way.

Desecration of Corpse
Bernie Corpse

This is more of a preemptive strike against a vampire before it has
arisen. In simpler times, gypsies would do things like stabbing needles
into a corpse, putting metal in its mouth, pouring boiling water on it,
decapitating it, or just torching the thing. So if a loved-one has just
died and you want to make sure they don’t turn into a vampire,
remember: Better safe than sorry!

Now that you know more than you would ever care to know about vampires,
feel free to go weep in a damp corner somewhere. Can’t say I would
blame you after reading all that.

Vampire

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