Worthless Guide to Social Graces – Part 1: Restrooms

By Kevin

Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider
to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock
over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there
are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth
before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when
you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you
want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your
time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous
article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please
continue.

By Kevin

Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider
to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock
over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there
are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth
before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when
you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you
want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your
time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous
article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please
continue.


Part 1 – Restrooms
Part 2 – Table Manners
Part 3 – More
Table Manners
Part 4 – Japanese Culture

The public bathroom is the wild west of modern society. Not because
there aren’t any rules, but because they seem to be magnets for
grizzled, unhygienic men who have little ability (or desire) to manage
their bodily functions. If you are one of these people, there is little
I can say that would change your behavior. But what I can do is provide
regular humans with rules they should follow when using a public
restroom for any reason. Break these at your peril (or if you’re just
curious to see if a person really can get an STD from a toilet seat).

Rule 1

There is a hierarchy of bathroom cleanliness that many people may not be aware of. It is as follows (from cleanest to dirtiest):

• Your Own Home
• Relative’s Home
• Woods
• Office
• Mall
• National Park
• Streets of Europe
• Wal-Mart
• Gas Station
• Crack Den
• Asylum
• Truck Stop

Some may debate the positioning of certain items on this list
(especially a person’s home being rated as the cleanest). Remember: No
matter how gross the mysterious fluids sprayed on the wall adjacent to
your toilet may seem, they can usually be identified as belonging to
you or someone you’ve allowed into your home. This makes them
significantly less horrifying than those stains left by some mysterious
sasquatch-like creature in a stall at the Mall of America.

More antiquated restrooms may not always have dividers between the
urinals (appalling as this may be). In these cases you’ll need to put
forth your best effort to make sure the guy next to you isn’t checking
out your apparatus, because you certainly aren’t going to be able to go
with him staring at you. Check out the following diagrams for more
specific information. Note: These only demonstrate the proper
procedures for the particularly tricky 3 Urinal System; use common
sense for arrangements involving greater or fewer numbers of
receptacles.

If all receptacles are vacant, choose leftmost or rightmost	If leftmost receptacle is occupied, choose rightmost (Simply reverse this rule if the rightmost is occupied)	Finally, if the center receptacle is occupied, use a stall.

I recommend you really go out of your way make sure that latch works. Jangle the
door back and forth a few times to simulate what is undoubtedly going
to happen when some guy who looks like Paul Bunyan wanders in and
decides to try and tear the door from its flimsy hinges to “see if
someone was really in there”.

Stall designers apparently go out of their way to choose the flimsiest
pieces of hardware possible for stall doors. A piece of twine wrapped
around two corks would be more effective. The latch never fastens
properly, forcing you to: A. Contort so you can brace one leg against it as you go, or B. Be sitting on the toilet in a state of concentration and the door just sort of swings open while everyone else in the bathroom stares inside with puzzled expressions on their faces as they dry their hands.

Rule 4

It may hard for you to resist picking up that scrap of paper, food
wrapper, or newspaper to read while you sit on the toilet, but you must
resist this urge. I don’t care if it’s a brand new newspaper in its
plastic bag; don’t even think about touching it. If you absolutely need
to get something to read in there, I suggest obtaining reading
materials using any of these methods (all of which are 100 times more
sanitary than picking up something off that horrible floor).

• Reaching into actual bowl of toilet
• Rooting through dumpster behind methadone clinic
• Reading newspaper used to line birdcage
• Bobbing for crumpled receipts in bulging colostomy bag
• Scrounging for ticket stubs on hands and knees under bleachers at dog track
• Attempting to read brand name on soiled adult diaper

Think of this as a respectful request. You people know who you are; you
who would casually zip up and stroll out the door whistling a
merry tune without so much as standing
in front of the sink. Please, I beg of you, do fake wash for the sake
of the other patrons. Even if you don’t use soap: Turn on the water,
splash around for a few seconds; at
least wave your hands in the vicinity of the stream. If
you won’t do it for me, do it for Uncle Sam! Also make sure to buy war bonds where you
work or bank.