By Kevin

Helping
a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no
law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while
simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the
Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that’s how! Here are a
few selected entries we’ve compiled from the most prestigious papers
around the globe.

By Kevin

Sainted

The kindly old gentleman who attempted to console me as I sobbed
uncontrollably on the Oak Glen bus on January 13th. Your soft eyes
bored into my soul, and your craggy hands soothed my aching shoulders
with the unsolicited massage you gave me. As you left, you whispered
into my ear “Don’t cry my sweet prince…we shall be joined again with
those we’ve lost in the swirling ivory ether”. I’m not sure what this
had to do with me being fired from the Petfood Warehouse, but it was
comforting just the same.

Janet Showalter

Tainted

The
group of children who threw rotten fruit at us from a float during the
Holidazzle parade. One of those apricots was frozen and it hit my uncle
in the eye. I don’t even understand what fruit has to do with the US Bank float
anyway. It doesn’t make sense.

The Mitchell Family

Sainted

The
guy who returned my wallet to me after it had fallen out of my pocket
onto a park bench. I really appreciate your kindness, and also the fact
that three dollars was missing out of it and also my Sub Club Card
(which was almost fully punched). Oh, also, my driver’s license was
upside down. Not that this is a huge deal or anything but it really
bugs me when I have to flip it over after I take it out. It’s only
common courtesy to leave things the way they were when you found it,
you know? Anyway thanks, I guess.

Tomas Jenkins

Tainted

The
filthy mens’s restroom at the Truck Stop on Highway 12. The condom
machine was out of order, the sink was full of matted hair, someone
scratched racial slurs into the mirror, and I think I got syphilis from
the toilet seat! What do you mean “what was I doing in the men’s
restroom”? That is none of your business! Shame on you Super America.
Also the beef jerky I bought rang up at $2.20 instead of $1.89 like it
said on the shelf. I wasn’t going to make a fuss about it, but I just
wanted to let you know that it was me who filled my tank with 31 cents
of gas and drove off without paying. Justice.

Wendy Samson

Sainted

I
was recently enjoying a luncheon with my aunt Cherice, and a woman
walking by me grabbed my brand new purse and ran off. She would have gotten away if it were not for my guardian
angel, aka Brad Smithe, who jumped in front of her to stop her. The
girl whipped out a knife with a six inch blade and sunk it into Brad’s
stomach, causing him to cry out in anguish as his bowels filled with blood. In doing this she
thankfully dropped my purse. I’d like to thank Brad (who’s now in
intensive care, we’re pulling for you buddy!) for risking his life to
save the four dollars in coupons and the half-used chapstick I had in
there. It isn’t often these days that someone does something so very
stupid for no apparent reason. God bless you.

Morgan Penwhistle

Sainted

The onlookers who discovered my frozen corpse floating in the
icy waters of Lake Tuttle last Saturday. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, I might be dead right now. Thanks a lot!
(In case you can’t tell I’m being sarcastic). Where the hell were
you guys when my snowmobile plunged through the ice, huh? Probably
sitting at home on your fat rear-ends. But you know what really gets
me? I could hear what you were saying after you hung up with the police,
and you were just chatting each other up like nothing important had
even happened! You’ve just discovered my frozen-solid remains, and
you’re sitting there talking about movies? You people make me sick.
Man, I can’t wait to haunt your asses.

Frozen Corpse of Markus Willuk