By M. Anger
You don’t like to be bothered, but someone just won’t leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could
drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of
clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them
in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane
ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and
why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s
an easier way of being left alone, it’s called being antisocial, and it
doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his
makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop
yammering on about his daughter. Read on to learn more about the
methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.
By M. Anger
You don’t like to be bothered, but someone just won’t leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could
drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of
clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them
in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane
ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and
why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s
an easier way of being left alone, it’s called being antisocial, and it
doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his
makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop
yammering on about his daughter. Read on to learn more about the
methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.
Part 1 – The Rudiments & The Madness
Part 2 – The Ghost & The Killer
It
is safe to say that nobody likes to deal with people who are angry. I
have used this as the basis for my social avoidance technique, and thus
far it has proven effective. The basic end you are trying to achieve is
to appear as if you are constantly seething with rage in every
situation; that the smallest thing might cause you to go berserk and
begin overturning store displays while spouting vague rhetoric. When
people see you, their reaction should be either “Man, she looks
pissed!” or “I can definitely see that guy carving up a family of
four.” The second is obviously preferable if you do not wish to be
bothered.
Different
segments of the population usually express their hatred for humanity in
different ways. It is important to remember that even though you most
likely do not share this hatred, you are attempting to appear as if you
do. With these things in mind, you should always work within your
range. For example: a short, fat, middle-aged black or hispanic man
might not be
best served by trying to pull off a Serial Killer form, because these
races are not typically associated with serial killers (for whatever
reason). White or asian youths with close-cropped hair, deep eyes, and
corpselike
complexion however, would have no trouble at all pulling it off the
look of a serial killer (as evidenced by my own personal appearance).
The most
important thing to remember is to use societal stereotypes to your
advantage; otherwise you’ll only seem quirky instead of frightening,
and who wants that?
The
remainder of this article covers what I call the three basic forms of
repulsion.
Each one is described in detail, and information on how best to pull
each one off is included. Certainly this is not a science, and you
should make substitutions in certain areas to better suit your own
personality because hey, if you’re going to pretend to be angry simply
because you don’t feel like talking to anyone, you deserve to have it
your way. The three basic forms are: The Madness, The
Ghost, and The Killer (which is further divided into the Serial, and
Psychotic types). I might also mention that these three phrases would
also be really cool names for members of a power trio death metal band
of some kind, so feel free to use them if you want to.
The
Con. Jumbling. Pitching. Long-Bombing. The Double Talk.
Skitterchatting. Some of these are real terms (real?); others may be
words which Roosevelt used to describe me to his mother during our
tawdry love affair in the early 1960s. Lovely times, those who were there appreciate it most. Who’s to say which of these words actually exist?
Who’s to say any of us even exist? Not me. Not you. Then who?
Wellwellwellweeyyeell: Practice makes perfect, especially when you’re
dealing with certain types of short-wave radios or Key slicing machines.
Correct?
Do you see what I’ve done in that opening statement? It
sounds like the ravings of a lunatic; a madman! Nobody in their right
mind would continue to talk to you if you were to begin spouting off
things like that. These ideas make up the first (and easiest) form of
repulsion: Feigned Madness. The premise is simple: What type of person
does everybody avoid? That’s right, a crazy person. Whether it’s the
pantless homeless woman pushing a grocery cart down the street
muttering about soup or the senile relative you’ve long since locked
away in a home and forgotten about, crazy people are always given a wide social
berth. One man’s negative is another’s positive, I guess.
You
can pretty much choose what you want here as long as it’s suitably
filthy and cheap, but there are some exceptions I would like to point
out. Just because you’re supposed to be insane, it doesn’t mean you
have to go all out with a costume. While something like a
straightjacket covered in yellow stains might seem
like a fun idea, it will draw a lot of unnecessary attention to you,
most of it from local and state law enforcement officials. Getting “left
alone” takes on a whole new meaning in prison, and I can’t help you out
there. See THIS for more details on prison.
Here are some specific examples of how you should react in different situations.
A
woman comes up to as you browse through shirts the department store and
says, “Excuse me, do you think you could tell me what time it is?”
Solution
Pretend
to glance at your watch, cocking your head sideways, tapping on the
glass and putting it to your ear. Whisper softly to the watch and dart
your eyes around the area. Begin to giggle and reply with a random word
or phrase (maybe not even a number). You could say “Forty-Six”, “The
Letter Q”, or “Windowpane”, it doesn’t even matter. After you’ve done
this, you might try swatting at some imaginary insects, just for effect.
You’re
enjoying your meal at a nice restaurant when a friend you haven’t seen
in a while happens to spot you and comes over. They sit down and ask
“Where have you been lately?”
Solution
Even
though there are a few more flippant responses which immediately come
to mind such as: “With your wife” or “Up your ass”, it’s best to stick
with the formula here. Begin to rock back and forth in your chair,
grasp your head in your hands and say something like “That billboard
threatened me” or “I’m daddy’s little girl, sit me on your knee” over
and over again. Scream and grab a handful of bread, wringing it like a
wet towel in your hands. Then rub the pieces all over your face while
sobbing uncontrollably.
bring your purchases to the cash register at the grocery store, hoping
for a speedy checkout. Unfortunately, the cashier is a little chatty
and wants to make small talk with you, asking questions like “So how
was your day” or “Did you find everything alright?”
Solution
Start
jerking around and making little “meep!” sounds as if you’re being
jolted by bursts of static electricity. Then cry “I want it all! I want
it ALLLLLL!” while pounding on each food item as if passes by on the
treadmill. Each time you hit a piece of food say “And this!” so that
you’re constantly shouting “And this! And this! And this! And this! And
this!” as the cashier looks on, horrified. Work yourself into a blind
rage in this fashion and then vault onto the still moving treadmill and
being punting food away while screaming “AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND
THIS AND THIS!” Casually step down and walk out into the crisp
night air while approaching sirens wail in the distance.