Sega Saturn

I remember I had a good friend who owned a Saturn. Well maybe not good
friend, but a friend. At least I think he was a friend. We didn’t hang
around much or anything, but there was a sort of mutual respect. Well,
from me to him anyway, not really the other way around.

Actually you know what, now that I think about it, he was kind of a jerk. Screw him and the Sega Saturn. Both things were pretty much worthless.

Nintendo 64

Here’s
another parallel: I had another friend who owned a Nintendo 64. It
suited him quite well. Neither was much to look at; they were both big
and dopey and clunky, but in sort of endearing way. A couple of dull,
well-meaning giants that I would visit from time to time.

And
while the boy and the Nintendo 64 were pleasant enough, you wouldn’t
really go out of your way to spend much time with them (unless you
didn’t have anything better to do, which I didn’t). One positive thing
I can note though though, is that both the boy and the console did allow me to play Super Mario Kart, which was something. But not much.

Sega Dreamcast

Dreamcast “Hey
everyone, it’s Sega, want another console from us!? What do you mean
‘not really’? Well we’re releasing it anyway! Alright, here it is, the
Dremcast. Pretty cool huh?

Aw crap. Not again. Why isn’t anybody buying this damn thing? We have Sonic dammit, Sonic.

Wait,
what exactly do you mean by ‘we’ve created a console for a sad,
pathetic, dying breed of gamer which just doesn’t exist anymore?’ That
hurts, friend. Oh well, I suppose this means we’ve failed again! That’s
it; we’re going to stick to publishing mostly unremarkable and
shockingly inessential games from now on. Hope you sons of bitches are
happy.”

Sony Playstation 2

The world wanted one. The world needed
one. Buildings burned. Empires crumbled and were rebuilt. On a certain
planet, apes appeared to have evolved from men. But things were not as
they seemed…Darth Vader broke free from shackles like Frankenstein
and bellowed to the heavens, drawing derisive laughter and embarrassed
sidelong glances from the crowd.

Women and children wailed
gape-mouthed at windows as chain-wielding bands of husbands battled in
the streets in order that they might get a chance to play Summoner.
These are the dark times…

Nintendo Gamecube

The Average American Consumer Says:
“What the…? Is this a joke or something? A little purple lunchbox with a grotesque, avant-garde controller and mini discs?

Hmm, but I suppose some of these games still do
look pretty cool. They still have Mario, maybe I’ll check that out.
Whaaaat? Why on earth does he have a water squirting jetpack?! You wash
paint off of things? Exactly how many bowls did these people smoke?

Wait now, here’s Mario Kart, that’s what I’m talking
about! Boo ya! Hmm, these levels are sort of dull. God, do these little
bastards EVER shut up?! Aaarrggh! Dammit! I keep getting killed by
STUPID blue shells, and you can’t even jump anymore! Screw it, at least
I still have Crash Team Racing.

Xbox

Below Average American Consumer Says:
“Me
like game but no like kid game. Me want football. Me want pretty girl
in bathing suit. Me want shoot thing. Ooh. Ooh. Me see on tee-vee Xbox
by Mie-Crow-Soft. Sound good. Me see same name on computer; good name.
System big and heavy like brick, just the way me like it. Me play Halo,
hold gun, shoot shiny thing first time ever. Me buy John Madden
football every year. Me watch Japanese girl bounce in Bikini. Hehe,
they even have squirrel who swear and fart. Hehe. Hehe.”

Xbox 360

Xbox 360 Hmm…This one looks a bit odd if you ask me. None of these launch games look very good. Pretty dull…

Time Passes …

Well
now, I gota admit, there’re actually some pretty cool-looking games out
for this thing now, I guess I’ll buy one. Wow, I really love these
controllers, sturdy, comfortable, and wireless too! The graphics look
amazing on my HDTV too. Haha check out th-… what…The screen went
blank. What’s going on? What does this red light mean? Oh, Motherfu—

Sony Playstation 3

Playstation 3 Fickle Sony Lover Says:
“Yesss!
I love Sony. I love everything Sony does. Sonysonysony! Play-stay-shun!
Play-stay-shun! I can’t wait for this one, I am going to be first in
line on launch day, no doubt about that!

Oh…look, an announcement from Sony! Let’s see… 600 DOLLARS?! Are you !$*# KIDDING ME!? Screw you Sony, I always hated you.

Here,
I’m going to write a letter: Dear Sony: DROP DEAD you jorks! I hope you
all get dysentery and rot from the inside out you have failed your
fanbass and everyone this machine was suposed to be epic and now its
just garbage crap go back to japan!”

Oooh now the system came
out; let’s see what I might’ve wasted my money on. Haha! Look at this
crap. Gundam Wing? This looks like a 3-year-old PS2 game! And Madden
too! I’m sure there’s going to be gunshots ringing out in the Aisles of
inner-city Wal-Marts all across the country when the shelves are
stocked with that little gem! Hello…what’s this? Metal Gear Solid is
coming out? Maybe they’ll drop the price soon…”

Nintendo Wii

Nintendo Wii Frantic Bandwagon Jumper says:
“Ohmygod!
Ohmygod! I gottegetawii, I gottegetawii! Look at that thing, it’s WHITE!
Have you ever seen such a color? You can’t get these systems anywhere,
they’re quite rare you see. I hear once you play it you’ll never be
able to look at games the same way again! I hear it’s a gaming
revolution! A Revolution, do you hear?! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go call every store within a 500 mile radius and harass them about shipments.

Time Passes…

Oh
man, I can’t believe it! I did it! I finally got one! Look at this box,
it’s amazing! There’s the Nintendo logo! (Licks the box)
Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. Here, smell it! That’s the sweet smell of
success; that’s the sweet smell of ‘I have it and nobody else does’!
Now just let me hook it up. HAHA look! I’m swinging my arm to hit the tennis ball, hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe!

Huh. That’s it… Well I guess that was pretty neat, let me try golf. Hmm. Pretty much the same thing huh? Well it’s still sort of fun, I think I still got my money’s worth. How about this Excitetruck
here… Huh. Well it doesn’t look so hot, does it? Like a Gamecube game.
Well anyway, I have one. I’m sure some great games are coming out any
day now.

All I have to do is wait…