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Presidential Fun Facts

The Ministry of Information

The US Presidents: A group of manipulative and delusional humans who
lead the United States of America during the dark period before the
Ministry was created. But how many citizens truly know anything
pertinent about these men?

The answer: None. It has been reported that
when asked about which historical US president was most interesting to
them during a nonvoluntary information extraction session, seven out of
every ten Americans responded by emptying their bowels, lolling back
their battered heads, and crying out in agony. So in an effort to
educate our
citizens about some of the leaders of what was once the United States
of
America, the MoI has
compiled this official list of presidential facts for your consumption.

The Ministry of Information

The US Presidents: A group of manipulative and delusional humans who
lead the United States of America during the dark period before the
Ministry was created. But how many citizens truly know anything
pertinent about these men?

The answer: None. It has been reported that
when asked about which historical US president was most interesting to
them during a nonvoluntary information extraction session, seven out of
every ten Americans responded by emptying their bowels, lolling back
their battered heads, and crying out in agony. So in an effort to
educate our
citizens about some of the leaders of what was once the United States
of
America, the MoI has
compiled this official list of presidential facts for your consumption.


George WashingtonGeorge Washington

  • Presidency labeled as containing “Mild comic mischief, some profanity, and partial nudity”
  • Father of George Washington Carver (inventor of the peanut)
  • Embezzled money from US treasury to fund 36 dollar-per-week powdered wig habit

Adams
John Adams

  • Noted shadowboxer
  • Once unloaded truckload of dead babies with pitchfork
  • Proponent of women’s rights; only beat wife second Tuesday of each month

Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson

  • Ring bearer at electricity mogul Ben Franklin’s wedding
  • Created first welfare program whereby government murdered elderly or infirmed members of poor families to cut costs
  • Accidentally set a cup of coffee on US Constitution; blamed it on Adams

William H Harrison


William H. Harrison

  • Once punched bird out of sky
  • Sarcastically referred to as “King James the Second”
  • Came second in corn-on-the-cob eating contest


Pierce
Franklin Pierce

  • Proprietor (and patron) of seventeen opium dens in Washington D.C. metro area
  • Unintentionally mooned congress on three occasions
  • Placed bounty on head of Tae-Bo founder Billy Blanks;
    subsequently canceled bounty when it was discovered that Blanks hadn’t been born yet


Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln

  • Consumed small Mexican child on more than one occasion
  • Unsuccessfully attempted to change presidential oath from “Preserve,
    protect, and defend the constitution of the United States” to “Once you
    go black, you never go back”

  • Could see through moon-shaped opening while using outhouse

Ulysses S Grant
Ulysses S. Grant

  • Once pulled semi truck with teeth
  • Was married more than seventeen times… to fifteen different men
  • Campaign slogan: “In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upwardly mobile”

Arthur
Chester A. Arthur

  • Founding member of Trenchcoat Mafia
  • Had “We the Purple” tattooed across left butt cheek due to miscommunication with tattooist
  • Released hit #1 single first day in office entitled: F*** All Y’all N******

Cleveland
Grover Cleveland

  • Unwittingly raised army of walking dead
  • Performed routinely successful sock puppet show for congress
  • When asked what he would do if thrown out of office, he replied: “No one tosses a dwarf!”

Teddy Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt 

  • Claimed to possess ability to fly
  • Spurned idea of 10-Gallon hat
  • Was actually highly advanced cyborg assassin sent back in time to kill Taft

Taft
William Howard Taft

  • Once dabbed lightly at own forehead with pink handkerchief
  • Self-proclaimed “Godfather of American Hip-Hop”
  • Climbed to top of Empire State Building; swatted at biplanes in annoyed fashion

Hadring
Warren G. Harding

  • Was president for 2 years before anybody even noticed
  • Believed earth was not flat or spherical, but toast-shaped
  • Would eat entire can of dog food if double-dared

Hoover
Herbert Hoover

  • Provided main guitar riff for Rage Against the Machine’s “Calm Like a Bomb”
  • Insisted that Whitehouse chefs serve him steaks raw and on bone
  • Stayed on same floor as runaway child Kevin McAllister at world renowned Plaza Hotel


Truman
Harry Truman

  • First president to successfully jump Dead Man’s gorge on dirt bike
  • Originally named Chester Copperpot; historians officially changed name after Goonies released to avoid confusion
  • Proficient in sixteen forms of fictional marital art, including Mustacheblast Kickboxing and Cystic Fibrosis-Fu


Eisenhower
Dwight Eisenhower

  • Presided over the 1956 Foosball Championship Games
  • Instead of kissing babies, would overturn their strollers into street while bellowing loudly
  • Killed and skinned adult moose with bare hands

Nixon
Richard Nixon

  • Intentionally spilled piping hot soup on groin to avoid press conference
  • Often wore two baseball caps at once, one turned forwards and one backwards
  • Pardoned self from numerous crimes, including thirty eight counts of Grand Larceny

Reagan
Ronald Reagan 

  • Performed exactly 5 jumping jacks each morning before breakfast of milk fed veal and gallon jug of Ecto Cooler
  • Broke free of chains and rampaged through countryside on more than one occasion
  • Attempted
    to run for third term, insisting first and second term president
    had actually been his twin brother Billy “Fats” Reagan


Clinton
William Clinton

  • Spent first term pretending to be wheelchair-bound; leapt to feet
    at beginning of second term, shouting “It’s a
    miracle!”

  • Built fort out of old egg cartons and tissue boxes; lived inside for 3 months
  • Blood had a freezing point of -183 degrees Fahrenheit, three degrees less than that of gasoline

George Bush
George W. Bush

  • Mistakenly referred to Gandalf as elf in State of Union Address, sparking numerous assassination attempts
  • Could not tell time using analog clock
  • After being hit with Sabin’s pummel attack, would exclaim
    “Seafood Soup”, and submerge self underwater for approximately 30 seconds

For more information regarding the US presidents, visit Ministry of
Information re-education blocks 26600 through 26609 (be sure to bring a
series 976 fluid sample, 3 weeks of dermatological scrapings, and your
Universal Identification Card, as these are required for access to the
inner sanctum). Have a pleasant tomorrow, citizen.

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