Wallets: The Horror

WalletI have a confession to make: I only own a regular old black leather wallet. I realize of course that this probably makes me lose credibility with all the wallet aficionados out there, but that’s fine. Honestly, if there’s any group I don’t mind losing the respect of, it’s wallet fans.

See, I don’t have much respect for the wallet. It’s there to hold my money, and that’s all. So when I see a wallet with a light in it, a transparent plastic wallet, or even a waterproof diving wallet, it just makes me sad. Wallets are trying too hard these days. You want proof? Just keep reading. You’ll see.

The Magic Wallet

Magic WalletEverybody has probably seen this wallet on TV. As with most made-for-TV products, they try waaaay too hard to make it seem a whole lot cooler than it actually is, and in my opinion, fail miserably at it.

The problem, as I see it, is that the public wasn’t really clamoring for an easier to use wallet. I think most of us have pretty much gotten the hang of them. But oh, here comes the maker of the Magic Wallet to show us all what we’ve been missing: “Check it out, you open it (like a book), set your money on it, and then close it! Then, if you fold it open on the other side, your stuff is trapped in there! YOU CAN SEE IT BUT IT CAN'T GET OUT; IT’S TRAPPED!” Yeah, OK dude, whatever. This thing is like the wallet equivalent of a Chinese finger trap or something. Sort of neat but not even vaguely practical.

Also, in case you were wondering: Despite the name, this wallet is not actually magic. Not even close. It isn’t even on the level of a or a coin trick or the "Got your nose" trick. I actually think a pair of those goggly eyes on spring glasses is more magic than this stupid wallet. Talk about false advertising.

Crossword Puzzle Wallet

Crossword“Combines the teeth-clenching boredom you feel while working crossword puzzles from a stained newspaper at the oil change place with the dull ache you feel in the pit of your stomach every time you take a credit card out of your wallet to pay for something.”

Seriously, who do they imagine is the target market for this wallet? People who REALLY enjoy working crossword puzzles? If so, I really hope they’re able to sell this wallet to both of those people. Otherwise it’s gonna be hard to make a profit off it. That would suck too, because I was really looking forward to their next wallet, the Sudoku wallet. Yeah, the only thing that guns my engine more than completing word puzzles is arranging a bunch of numbers sequentially on a grid. In fact, I’m not sure why anyone even BOTHERED to invent complex video games or films when they already had brain puzzles you could do on paper. Seems like a waste of everyone’s time.

The Duct Tape Wallet

Duct Tape WalletHey, look everyone, it’s an object made out of duct tape which would normally be made of an entirely different material! ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS!? Well actually it isn’t. In fact it’s one of the stupidest fucking things I've ever seen. And this is coming from someone who’s watched almost three complete seasons of Walker: Texas Ranger, so you know it means something.

I might be a little biased against this wallet though. I have to admit that I have a real problem with duct tape “jokes” in general. Maybe people who aren’t from the Midwest won’t have any idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll explain. Apparently a lot of people around here find the concept of duct tape hilarious for some reason. I’m not even going to try to explain why. But here’s a quick list of things which would be considered “Duct Tape Comedy”.

  • Duct tape sculptures
  • Building something out of duct tape
  • Bringing duct tape up in everyday conversations
  • Fixing something with duct tape
  • Wearing clothing made out of duct tape
  • Picking up a roll of duct tape, pointing to it, and saying “Hey look guys, duct tape!”

Duct Tape Wallet KidI think you get the idea. Anyway, even typing this awful stuff is making me nauseous. The bottom line is that this is the kind of crap you would read in some email your dorky uncle who can barely even use a computer would send you. And I’m not having any of it.

So what’s my verdict on a duct tape wallet? Well let me explain it like this: If I ever saw anyone with a duct tape wallet I would walk up to them and say, "Hey, is that a duct tape wallet? Can I see it?" Then I would stare down at it for a second, turning it around in my hands." Then I would hand it back, and say, "Yeah, that's pretty interesting." and turn to walk away.

I am a coward.

Money Clip

Money ClipSome people prefer a money clip over a wallet. My only question for these people is: Are you living in the 19th century? Who carries cash anymore? Well actually, I do know the answer to that. The only people who carry cash are people who want to appear rich. This includes people who are actually rich (“What’s that you said? A dollar fifty for a cheeseburger? Here, let me just thumb through these hundreds…”), and poor people who only want to appear as if they are rich (“As you can see from this thick, folded stack of twenty dollar bills I have taken out to pay for this copy of Madden, I am obviously not poor”).

So get rid of those money clips. Waste of time.

Titanium Wallet

Shit Wallet For Rich AssholesSo finally we come to the end. This wallet signifies the end. No, not the end of this article, but the end of my life. Because if someone is actually spending three hundred and fifty dollars on something which will be used to store an old picture of their dog, some bits of loose string tattered Subway Subclub Card, I am actually going to blow my own brains out.

But wait, maybe I should hear these people out first. Maybe they’ve actually managed to craft a wallet which is worth paying a three hundred dollar premium for. You never know. Let’s take a look at the specs.

The Sammy Titanium Wallet: Featuring sheet titanium, a military specification extruded aluminum piano hinge and rivets, and hand finished in a state-of-the-art aerospace facility, this piece, known simply as The Sammy, is enough to geek out on as an industrial gadget. Of course, you also get to carry it around in your pocket as a functional wallet that includes a riveted money clip and and a slot for credit cards and business cards. This one is only for the geeks that can afford it: $320 (Brushed), $340 (Polished).

Nope, I was right the first time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I had a rusty old world war II pistol lying around here somewhere...