Review: Things I Have Punched
I think I have a real rage problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own consumerism or something, who knows. I can't really control it either, I think it's just my nature. I'm probably lucky that I damage and not people though. You usually won’t go to prison for smashing a computer monitor with a hammer, but you probably would if you crushed a guy’s skull with one. But yeah, read on if you want to see a tally of all the different stuff I’ve broken over the years and how it held up.
Relevant information about me:
Video Game Controllers
Estimated Number Damaged (By system)
Final Cost at $28 per controller: $672
Most video game controllers are made of a thin plastic and are not highly durable. I think more game companies really should take into account the pent-up frustrations of an entire generation of young men when designing these things.
But I would actually like to single out and commend the durability of the official Guitar Hero 3 controller:
Sure, the game itself might have been an terrifyingly ugly, clunky, overcharted, and somewhat unfun series cash-in with the most appallingly offensive and idiotsavantesque boss battles ever conceived by utter morons, but the controller sure is reliable. At one point the game's absurd difficulty level caused me to become filled with rage and hatred for all things in existence. So I held the controller by the neck and smashed it into the ground (hard) a few times, and then leaned it against the couch at a 45 degree angle and stomped it. Still works perfectly.
I would not classify video game controller throwing as a high-risk activity. This is not to say, though, that injury is impossible. Here are a few things they should probably add to game console instruction manuals:
- Thrown controllers sometimes bounce back and may strike
user in sensitive areas
- User may be whipped about eyes or face by trailing cord of
- Gnawing angrily at pieces of controller may damage teeth
and is not recommended
- User should be wary of hand lacerations caused by
shattering of punched controller
- It should also be noted that when heaving a reasonably heavy XBOX 360 controller to the ground with gusto, great care should be taken to ensure that said controller does not strike one’s user’s own foot and fracture a pinky toe
Game controllers make for good breaking. If you can afford to keep buying new ones, I highly recommend it. Just be sure not to throw it at the TV or the console. That’s a much more expensive tantrum.
Walls & Doors
Estimated Number Damaged8.
Total Cost: Nothing. Nobody ever made me pay.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve punched holes in doors and walls when I've gotten mad. Sure, it isn’t exactly the nicest thing to
do (especially when the door belongs to someone else) but it’s actually pretty satisfying! It makes you feel tough too, punching holes in things and whatnot. And it usually doesn't hurt.
Also, if you don’t fix it the hole, a cute girl might ask about it. Then you can impress her by telling the story about when you were seventeen and your mom sold all your Pokemon cards for twelve dollars at a garage sale because she thought you were too old for them and you screamed “I had an EFFING MEWTWO in there worth like A HUNDRED DOLLARS!” and began crying and punched the wall.
Walls and doors aren’t usually meant to take punches, so they often cave in a little. Unless you punch a stud or a solid oak door, in which case: you have broken your hand.
Punch walls. Punch doors. It’s great!
Estimated Number Damaged2
Total Cost: $190 (1 Replacement Screen)
Tip 1: It isn’t a good idea to leave a hammer sitting on your computer desk if you are prone to fits of anger. It might come into your head one day to half-jokingly/half-angrily clunk the hammer into your CRT monitor, leaving an annoying chip right in the center of the screen as a constant reminder of how stupid you are.
Tip 2: Laptop computers are not designed to take a quick jab to the screen. They are ALSO not designed to withstand having the top of the screen gripped tightly by the user while he cracks his fist into the screen three or four more times and then lets go before giving it one final blow, sending it clattering backwards off a high counter and onto a tile floor while he shouts, “Nonononono!” as if he didn’t realize what was going to happen.
Me: Substantial damage to sense of self worth
Monitor: Irritating cosmetic damage.
Laptop: Shattered LCD screen, complete with rainbow spiderweb cracks.
Don’t punch your computer or hit it with a hammer. And if you ever do, don’t tell anyone because only a really huge nerd would do a thing like that.
But that’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure I’ve punched other things, so when I remember I’ll write another article to help everyone out. Also if anyone reads this (I doubt it) feel free to write in with stories of interesting things you've punched and I'll probably post them to make myself feel better.