I think I have a real rage
problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and
equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own
consumerism or something, who knows.
I can't really control it either,
I think it's just my nature. I'm probably lucky
that I damage and not people though. You usually won’t go to prison for
smashing a computer
monitor with a hammer, but you probably would if you crushed a guy’s
one. But yeah, read on if you want to see a tally of all the different
stuff I’ve broken over the years and how it held up.
Relevant information about me:
Video Game Controllers
Damaged (By system)
Final Cost at $28 per controller: $672
Most video game controllers are made of a thin plastic and are not
highly durable. I think more game companies really should take into
account the pent-up frustrations of an entire generation of young men
when designing these things.
But I would actually like to single out and commend the durability of
the official Guitar Hero 3 controller:
Sure, the game itself might have been an terrifyingly ugly, clunky,
overcharted, and somewhat unfun series cash-in with the most
appallingly offensive and idiotsavantesque boss battles ever conceived
by utter morons, but the controller sure is reliable. At one point the
game's absurd difficulty level caused me to become filled with rage and
hatred for all things in existence. So I held the controller by the
neck and smashed it into the ground (hard) a few times, and then leaned
it against the couch at a 45 degree angle and stomped it. Still works
I would not classify video game controller throwing
as a high-risk activity. This is not to say, though, that injury is
impossible. Here are a few things they should probably add to game
console instruction manuals:
- Thrown controllers sometimes bounce back and may strike
user in sensitive areas
- User may be whipped about eyes or face by trailing cord of
- Gnawing angrily at pieces of controller may damage teeth
and is not recommended
- User should be wary of hand lacerations caused by
shattering of punched controller
- It should also be noted that when heaving a reasonably
360 controller to the ground with gusto, great care should be taken to
ensure that said controller does not strike one’s user’s own foot and
fracture a pinky toe
Game controllers make for good breaking. If you can afford to keep
buying new ones, I highly recommend it. Just be sure not to throw it at
the TV or the console. That’s a much more expensive tantrum.
Walls & Doors
Total Cost: Nothing. Nobody ever made me pay.
walls when I've gotten mad. Sure, it isn’t exactly the nicest thing to
(especially when the door belongs to someone else) but it’s actually
pretty satisfying! It makes you feel tough too, punching holes in
things and whatnot. And it usually doesn't hurt.
Also, if you don’t fix it the hole, a cute girl might ask about it.
Then you can impress her by telling the story about when you were
seventeen and your mom sold all your Pokemon cards for twelve dollars
at a garage sale because she thought you were too old for them and you
screamed “I had an EFFING MEWTWO in there worth like A HUNDRED
DOLLARS!” and began crying and punched the wall.
Walls and doors aren’t usually meant to take punches, so they often
cave in a little. Unless you punch a stud or a solid oak door, in which
case: you have broken your hand.
Various minor injuries. Sometimes I cut my hand and it bled a little,
but usually my knuckles just got red and swelled up
slightly. A few
times I thought I broke my hand, but the pain usually went away in a
few hours or months. So probably everything was alright.
Total Cost: $190 (1 Replacement Screen)
1: It isn’t a
good idea to leave a hammer sitting on your computer desk if you are
prone to fits of anger. It might come into your head one day to
half-jokingly/half-angrily clunk the hammer into your CRT monitor,
leaving an annoying chip right in the center of the screen as a
constant reminder of how stupid you are.
Laptop computers are not
designed to take a quick jab to the screen. They are ALSO not designed
to withstand having the top of the screen gripped tightly by the user
while he cracks his fist into the screen three or four more times and
then lets go before giving it one final blow, sending it clattering
backwards off a high counter and onto a tile floor while he shouts,
“Nonononono!” as if he didn’t realize what was going to happen.
damage to sense of self worth
LCD screen, complete with rainbow spiderweb cracks.
or hit it
with a hammer. And if you ever do, don’t tell anyone because only a
nerd would do a thing like that.
But that’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure I’ve punched other
things, so when I remember I’ll write another article to help everyone
out. Also if anyone reads this (I doubt it) feel free to write in with
stories of interesting things you've punched and I'll probably post them to make myself feel better.