REVIEWS

Wallets: The Horror

WalletI have a confession to make: I only own a regular old black leather wallet. I realize of course that this probably makes me lose credibility with all the wallet aficionados out there, but that’s fine. Honestly, if there’s any group I don’t mind losing the respect of, it’s wallet fans.

See, I don’t have much respect for the wallet. It’s there to hold my money, and that’s all. So when I see a wallet with a light in it, a transparent plastic wallet, or even a waterproof diving wallet, it just makes me sad. Wallets are trying too hard these days. You want proof? Just keep reading. You’ll see.

Grobnar Review Things

GrobnarMan ask Grobnar to tell about things he find all around. Man say Grobnar talk about thing and tell how he use thing. Also he say Grobnar say if thing is good or bad. Grobnar no know why but man say he give Grobnar mammal meat if Grobnar do this.

So Grobnar think he help. Grobnar hungry. Grobnar not eat nothing in days. Well, Grobnar eat small bird, but that not fill Grobnar up. So Grobnar tell stories and get mammal meat. Grobnar mouth watering already.

Review: Girlscout Cookies

CookiesI’m going to say something that I’m pretty sure has never been said before: Girlscout cookies are highly overrated. I’m not saying they’re bad, in fact I don’t mind eating them at all. As far as cookies go, I’d even rate most of them as slightly above average. But OH NO, that’s not NEARLY good enough for some people. You’re expected to LOVE Girlscout cookies, or risk being shunned by the cookie community as some kind of snack fascist or something.

Well listen up: You people don’t scare me. I’m going to print the truth about these cookies, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just you watch.

Cheesy Catalog Review: Home Trends

TrendsI recently picked up this catalog at my grandma’s house. I’m not exactly sure what the theme of it is supposed to be. The cover claims that the publishers are “The Home Cleaning Experts”, so I thought it might be selling cleaning supplies, but then I looked inside and I couldn’t really find any cleaning stuff. So I can only assume that this catalog is built upon a foundation of lies and deception.

This is good news for me, because it probably means they have some crazy useless stuff for old people in here. I love it.

Random Object Reviews: Part 3

CheckoutThe other day, I thought I’d write some more reviews of random items. “I think I’ll write some more reviews of random items.” I said. The cashier quickly scanned a can of peaches, and looked up at me fearfully. “Eyes down!” I hissed raising a clenched fist. The woman flinched and continued scanning. “That’s better.” I said, casually unwrapping a package of gum I had not paid for. “But truly my dear,” I said, “All this shopping business has got me thinking,” I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, “thinking that I’ll write some reviews of random items when I get home.”

And so, here they are.

Cheesy Catalog Review: Signals!

SignalsIt’s strange to me that mail-order catalogs even exist anymore. Who exactly is still buying crap from these things? It can only be that there are far more reasonably well-off childless women in their early-to-late 40s who are somehow still unaware of the internet than I had originally thought. But even so…the overpriced junk they sell in the Signals catalog is so useless it makes Hammacher Schlemmer seem like an auto parts catalog.

So let’s have a look at some of their best products.

Menacing Phone Calls I Have Received: Veterans

Old Lady Call Sometimes threatening phone calls aren't overtly threatening. Sometimes you might even recieve a threatening phone call which actually seems earnest, as if the person bullying you if only trying to do the right thing, and doesn't even realize how much they're annoying you.

Like, say...oohh...constant phone calls from a charity asking for donations. They're a charity, so you can't exactly scream at them over the phone to stop calling you. Well I suppose you could but I don't have the guts for that. For more details on this case, continue reading.

The Baron's Film Korner: Spider-Man

Spider KidBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
If I had to choose a single superhero movie series to bring with me to a desert island, I would most definitely (or as they say in the streets “most deaf”) choose the Spider-Man Thrillogy.

These movies have everything a boy (or possibly a lesbian) could want. Action, love, mystery, and spider webs. I was going to dress in my childhood spiderman costume to write this, but it had one of those sharp plastic masks and it cut my face so I threw it out. Prepare to be whisked away into the web of fun weavened by Spiderman.

Review: Some Gloves I Once Bought

GlovesThere are plenty of gloves which have become famous thoughout history. OJ Simpson's gloves for example, are famous for being soaked with the blood of innocents, and also for not fitting their alleged owner's hands properly.

Hmm...actually that's the only pair of famous gloves I can think of. Guess I should've thought this intro through better. Oh well, no going back now. Here's a review of some gloves I found at a store.

Menacing Phone Calls I Have Received: Comcast

Phone CallSure, making harassing phone calls can be fun (just ask anyone who's worked in telemarketing), but what about receiving them? If you're not sure, why don't you take some time to find out? Do what I do: Rack up thousands of dollars in debt on multiple credit cards, and then just let it sit there.

Don't pay a dime. Then, if anyone from the company calls with a friendly reminder, just screech into the phone, bang it on the desk a few times, and hang it up. Soon the collection agencies will begin to call, and you'll be well on your way to vaguely threatening phone call heaven.
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