Sainted/Tainted: Sobriety & Truckers

SaintedHelping one another is what keeps communities strong. If you happen to see your elderly neighbor struggling to carry a bag of groceries up her stairs you, obviously you're going to stop and help. There are a number of moral reasons for this, but since I can't think of any specific ones right now you'll just have to take my word for it. Wait, heres one: She might die soon and leave you her old 1992 Chevy Malibu. It might not seem like much, but I'd say it'd probably be worth about a grand if you wanted to sell it.

Sainted/Tainted: Heart Attacks & Ren Fest

SaintedWhat would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would be a lot of work.

Today’s Sainted/Tainted features annoying ringtones, poorly-made cookies, heart attacks, and the Renaissance Festival.  

Sainted/Tainted: Speeders & Harry Potter

SaintedOftentimes I laugh aloud as I read the Sainted/Tainted portion of the newspaper. I think this is because I am a bad person. I enjoy seeing ordinary people’s petty annoyances and meaningless good deeds splayed across the page as if they are somehow important. I laugh because they are not. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And then I cry for a while. I usually don't stop crying until I fall asleep. I have a hard life.

So let us scream together while reading the following stories: Man Hit By Car, Reckless Drivers Speed Through Neighborhood, Rude Theatergoers, and more! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

Sainted / Tainted 8: Whites & Death

SaintoThere comes a time in every young boy’s life when he’s got to go out and make his own way in the big wide world. At that time, he will be a man. Nobody can truly say what sort of a man he will be.

The old saying goes something like “Show me a boy when he turns thirteen, and I will show you the man he will be.” What garbage. Anyway, todays Sainted/Tainted features Barbies, Pickpockets, Male Chickens, and old women. Oh I'm sure it'll be just fascinating for you.

Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks

Crazy Kid Children are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So on a barely-related note, today’s Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child's perspective. Read it if you want to, but I'm not going to try and force it on you.

Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks

SaintedYeah yeah, I heard it all before. I don't think anybody wants to see another one of these articles. But I can't help it, I get tons of mail from people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean "you thought these articles were fake"? Frankly I'm offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.

Sainted / Tainted 5: Stolen Icecream & The YMCA


More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!

Sainted / Tainted 4: Cellphones & Obesity


It doesn't take much to make a stranger's life better. It also doesn't take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?

Sainted / Tainted 3: Psychotropics & Patriots

Sainted Tainted

In this issue of Sainted / Tainted we've only printed letters from war veterans. Theirs are a voice which is often lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Please take some time out of your day to visit a war veteran or something. Nah, I changed my mine. It doesn't really matter.

Sainted / Tainted 2: Wheelchairs & Roofjumpers


By Kevin
In today's episode of Sainted & Tainted: Wheelchair Accidents, Elderly Roofjumpers, Identity Theft, and much more!

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