Sainted/Tainted: Speeders & Harry Potter

SaintedOftentimes I laugh aloud as I read the Sainted/Tainted portion of the newspaper. I think this is because I am a bad person. I enjoy seeing ordinary people’s petty annoyances and meaningless good deeds splayed across the page as if they are somehow important. I laugh because they are not. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And then I cry for a while. I usually don't stop crying until I fall asleep. I have a hard life.

So let us scream together while reading the following stories: Man Hit By Car, Reckless Drivers Speed Through Neighborhood, Rude Theatergoers, and more! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I CAN'T HANDLE IT!


Car HitThe young lady who hit struck my husband in the crosswalk with her car. It’s not the carelessness that gets me; it’s the inconvenience you’ve caused. My husband is the only one who works in my family (he’s in sales) and now I have to go out and get a job to help support us as he heals.

As I have no marketable skills, I was forced to take a cashiering position at a local retail outlet. I don’t care for the atmosphere there. It smells funny, and many of the customers are quite rude. I’m forty-seven and embarrassingly, my manager is a seventeen-year-old-girl named Lexi. I have to stand near two mentally handicapped stockboys and a senior citizen all day. The old man never shuts up, and I think one of the stockboys keeps looking down my blouse. Thanks a lot.
-Karen Ostinger


OldieOur former newspaper carrier Lloyd Cranston, who died last Wednesday. Every day, for the past 10 years, you’ve dutifully delivered the newspaper to our door, rain or shine. You have no idea how much we appreciated this, as we actually never even paid for it. I think you were just delivering someone else’s paper to us by mistake.

It wasn’t unethical for us to take it though, since we never even read it (we just used it to line our birdcage) but it always did give us a nice laugh. RIP, old friend.
-Ryan & Stacy Ulwel


Quiet NeigborhoodThe reckless drivers who speed through my quiet neighborhood every night. You disrupt our peace and quiet and endanger our lives and the lives of our children. You also endanger your own lives. I say this to make you aware that if you continue this behavior, it is likely that one night I am simply going to snap.

I will wait in the bushes beside my house. When I hear your car turning the corner, I will stride purposefully out into the street, reaching into my coat pocket as I do so. I will stand in the center of the road, and as you approach (possibly honking your horn and flashing your headlights at me) I will produce a small pistol from my coat, and I will fire this pistol three times into the driver’s side windshield of your automobile. You will be killed instantly. Your car will swerve off the road and into a ditch, and it will begin leaking steering fluid and gasoline into the tall grasses. The night will be silent for a time, and then will come the wailing of approaching sirens.

When they arrive to take me away, I will not fight. In my cell I will rest easy, knowing that I’ve made the world a better place. A safer place. I will lie back in my cot, and a contented smile will spread across my face. Through this bloody baptism, I will have been born again.
- Future Inmate 472211


Cabin BurnThe crazed arsonist who burned down my father’s summer cabin in Cleveland.

You saved us a lot of trouble. We didn’t want that old cabin anyway.
- Joe


TheaterThe horrible young man who called me an “Effing C-Bag” when I shushed him at an advance screening of Harry Potter the other night. There isn’t any call for you to use such language; I was simply having trouble hearing what was happening during a key scene in the film because you were crunkling your candy wrapper very loudly.

Harry Potter is my (and my cat’s) favorite book/film series of all time and I don’t appreciate the experience being ruined by a little hedgehog like yourself. Harumph.
- Joan Yves Bleuth

If you've got a Sainted/Tainted of your own you would like to report, I don't know what to tell you. Probably write to your newspaper or something. This site isn't a public forum for your problems. Jeez. Selfish enough?