Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks

SaintedYeah yeah, I heard it all before. I don't think anybody wants to see another one of these articles. But I can't help it, I get tons of mail from people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean "you thought these articles were fake"? Frankly I'm offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.



Tainted

Parking LotThat F***ing C**t of a woman with the Wisconsin license plate in the parking lot at the f***ing Zoo the other day.  I was just trying to take my G****mnned kids to see the f***ing lions and you, being the worthless b**ch mother of a harpy you are, were just sitting your rotund ass directly in the middle of the motherf***ing aisle waiting for a close parking spot (probably because your heart would explode out of your f***ing chest if you had to haul that f***ing sack of lard you call your ass farther than 10 feet). Sweet merciful f***. My f***ing kids wouldn’t stop screaming in the backseat. I was ready to scream and slam the f***ing gas to smash right into the back of that piece of s**t Buick of yours. F**k F**k F**k!
- Rageaholic Father




Sainted

Dork GamerThe inventors of video games. My son used to be a real handful, but now that he’s discovered video games I never have to worry about him at all. He used to stay out all hours of the night taking lord knows what drugs and having relations with lord knows whom. Now all he ever does is lie in a beanbag chair in front of our TV with a bag of cheese puffs on his chest. His eyes are usually glazed over and he is breathing heavily, but at least I know where he is and that he is safe. He’s also gained quite a bit of weight, and his teeth are rotting out from soft drinks. Honestly though, I’d rather have a fat son at home than a thin healthy one roaming the streets. Thanks.
 - A Satisfied Mom



Tainted

Hot SunBall of fire in sky. Burn bright. Burn skin. Me go out in light, me hurt and smoke from self. Me only go out when ball of fire hide. Ball of fire fall under ground one time every dark time. Ball of fire covered some light time by smoke up above. Me go out then. Find pretties. Find food eat. Sometimes me spotted by hew-mans. Hew-man make loud thing and scare away. Hew-man go on steam creature with smoke from tail and roaring head. Me stay away from steam creature. Steam creature kill own friend Nim-Nim. He good but not so smart. Run in before steam creature on stone path to kill with stick to make good eat. Me tell no go but nim not listen and steam thing kill. Me Bury nim at nim home in forest. Now me all alone.
 - Glardok

Sainted

Fireworks DisplayThe Johannasburg Park workers. Frankly this was a tossup between a Saint and a Taint, but in the end I went with a Saint. My family and I recently attended a night of fireworks at Johannasburg Park. The display was supposed to be postponed until the next day it if rained. It did rain, but the display carried on anyway. This was very annoying, as my wife forced me to stay and watch because she didn’t want to hear the children complaining. I was soaked to the bone. There was a silver lining however: One of the fireworks apparently malfunctioned because of the rain and shot straight out into the crowd, lighting one elderly man’s sportcoat on fire. His family quickly threw a blanket over him, and he wasn’t hurt, but I was still greatly entertained. Kudos.
 - Mike @ The Park
 


Tainted

Spam FolderThe company that sent me the free penis enlargement offer by electronic mail. I was interested in your product, as I feel I have been shortchanged in that particular department. I responded to your offer with my credit card number and name and address, but have yet to receive any of your products in the mail. Is this any way to treat a valued customer? I think not.

If anyone else received an email from the company FrEeVIcoDInOxyCOnTin- ValiUmPenisSlUTXXXCasHAddERall, I wouldn’t so much as give them the time of day. FreeHardFreeMoistFreeSexMeds.com is getting all of my business from now on.
- Short & Disgruntled