Sainted / Tainted 4: Cellphones & Obesity

Sainted

It doesn't take much to make a stranger's life better. It also doesn't take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?


Sainted

ThunderstormOn September 6th I was shopping at the Maple Park Cub Foods store. As I stood at the service desk returning a pound cake I had recently purchased, I overheard a conversation. It was the store manager, speaking to a very elderly woman. He was explaining that she shouldn’t walk home because of the severe thunderstorm that was raging outside, and that he would find somebody to take her. Since I had time, I volunteered. The Cub employees were so kind; I received a 40 dollar gift card, an entry in a new car drawing, and a Cub Foods bumper sticker for my trouble. I didn’t really even have to bring the old woman home either; I just left her on the curb at a nearby freeway entrance ramp. Thanks guys!
 -Willy C.




Tainted

Cemetary PondThe mean young man who I had the misfortune of meeting at Lakeview cemetery last Sunday. On this day I was standing near the goldfish pond. I was having a pleasant chat on my phone with my elderly mother. I did at that point feel an insistent tapping on my shoulder. I turned and found this man glaring at me. I did notice he had a bundle of flowers under his arm. He informed me (rudely) that I was “standing on his baby daughter’s grave” and asked me “would I please move”. At this point I did roll my eyes and turn away to continue my conversation. The man did shout and violently took my phone and threw it into the fish pond, where it did sink. This man owes me one Nokia 5200 TracPhone, of the price of not less than twenty-five dollars. The man wore a black t-shirt and appeared Mexican in origin. If you see this man please ask him if he was the one.  
- Concerned & Phoneless in Lakeview


Tainted

Electric CartThe K-Mart discount store on West 71st Street. I use an electric cart to get around because I am 300-450 pounds overweight and sometimes have trouble walking and breathing. I was looking to get one of the deep fat fryers from the store so I could prepare some of my world famous batterdipped Snickers bars. Unfortunately they were all located on the top shelf, which I could not reach since I am unable to move. I attempted to dislodge a few of the boxes with a sawed-off broom handle I keep in my cart for just such an occasion, but to no avail. I then prodded at a passing redshirt with the handle and demanded he retrieve one of the boxes for me. He only swatted me away and said “I have a forklift in the back I can get. Then I can lift your fat lard ass up to get your fryer so you can fry some more fat in lard to feed your own fat lard ass, fatty.” Although I felt this was uncalled for, I grudgingly agreed to his terms, whereupon he simply laughed and walked away. You can be sure I will never shop at this store again.
- Carted & Discarded


Sainted

Night FenceRawwwawawooooaaaaoooww! Reeaarrrrrrr. Hhhhhsss. Skt. Skit. *scrabble* Raawwwrrrr! Meeeaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww! RAAWOWOWOWOWOWWWW! *scamper* Hsssssss. Thhhhhhtt. REERERERREREEEEERRRRAAWAWAWAOOOW!
Ssssstttt. Sssssssssssstttt! MAAOOOWW! RAOOOOW! *scratch* YAAWWWWWWLLLL! Raaaiiiiirrrrrr! Meeeeeaaaawwwww. MEEEAAAOOOWWW! Hssssssss. EAOW. EAOW. EAOW. EAOW. EAOW. Eaow. MEEEEEAAAOOOWWWW!
 - Annoyed Cat on Fence


Tainted

Wendys CrimeThe beautiful girl I asked out at Wendy’s a few days ago. It’s difficult enough for a man like me to ask a woman out, but I don’t see any reason for your inappropriate response. Yes, I did have my hands in my pocket and was moving them around while I was talking to you, and yes I was also moaning under my breath and saying “Awww yeahhhh, that’s the stuff”. You pushed me into the buffet and ran out the door, which I thought was more than rude. It may interest you to know that I have a flaky rash on my inner thighs, and I was simply scratching it with the stitching on the inside of my pockets. There wasn’t any need for you to get the police involved either. They didn’t believe a word I said.
- Minunderstood Shy Guy