Sainted / Tainted
By Kevin
Helping a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that's how! Here are a few selected entries we've compiled from the most prestigious papers around the globe.

Sainted Old Gentleman The kindly old gentleman who attempted to console me as I sobbed uncontrollably on the Oak Glen bus on January 13th. Your soft eyes bored into my soul, and your craggy hands soothed my aching shoulders with the unsolicited massage you gave me. As you left, you whispered into my ear “Don’t cry my sweet prince…we shall be joined again with those we’ve lost in the swirling ivory ether”. I’m not sure what this had to do with me being fired from the Petfood Warehouse, but it was comforting just the same.
Janet Showalter

Tainted Holiday Parade The group of children who threw rotten fruit at us from a float during the Holidazzle parade. One of those apricots was frozen and it hit my uncle in the eye. I don’t even understand what fruit has to do with the US Bank float anyway. It doesn’t make sense.
The Mitchell Family

Sainted Nice Wallet The guy who returned my wallet to me after it had fallen out of my pocket onto a park bench. I really appreciate your kindness, and also the fact that three dollars was missing out of it and also my Sub Club Card (which was almost fully punched). Oh, also, my driver’s license was upside down. Not that this is a huge deal or anything but it really bugs me when I have to flip it over after I take it out. It’s only common courtesy to leave things the way they were when you found it, you know? Anyway thanks, I guess.
Tomas Jenkins

Tainted Truckstop The filthy mens’s restroom at the Truck Stop on Highway 12. The condom machine was out of order, the sink was full of matted hair, someone scratched racial slurs into the mirror, and I think I got syphilis from the toilet seat! What do you mean “what was I doing in the men’s restroom”? That is none of your business! Shame on you Super America. Also the beef jerky I bought rang up at $2.20 instead of $1.89 like it said on the shelf. I wasn’t going to make a fuss about it, but I just wanted to let you know that it was me who filled my tank with 31 cents of gas and drove off without paying. Justice.
Wendy Samson

Sainted Purse I was recently enjoying a luncheon with my aunt Cherice, and a woman walking by me grabbed my brand new purse and ran off. She would have gotten away if it were not for my guardian angel, aka Brad Smithe, who jumped in front of her to stop her. The girl whipped out a knife with a six inch blade and sunk it into Brad’s stomach, causing him to cry out in anguish as his bowels filled with blood. In doing this she thankfully dropped my purse. I’d like to thank Brad (who’s now in intensive care, we’re pulling for you buddy!) for risking his life to save the four dollars in coupons and the half-used chapstick I had in there. It isn’t often these days that someone does something so very stupid for no apparent reason. God bless you.
Morgan Penwhistle

Sainted Icey Death The onlookers who discovered my frozen corpse floating in the icy waters of Lake Tuttle last Saturday. If it weren't for your quick thinking, I might be dead right now. Thanks a lot! (In case you can't tell I'm being sarcastic). Where the hell were you guys when my snowmobile plunged through the ice, huh? Probably sitting at home on your fat rear-ends. But you know what really gets me? I could hear what you were saying after you hung up with the police, and you were just chatting each other up like nothing important had even happened! You’ve just discovered my frozen-solid remains, and you’re sitting there talking about movies? You people make me sick. Man, I can’t wait to haunt your asses.
Frozen Corpse of Markus Willuk