Psychics Are Real! Why Doesn't Anyone Believe Me...

HypnotizeThe 5 senses: Touch, taste, fear, smell, and eyes. One would think that these were enough, but surprisingly, there are those who claim that there is also a sixth sense,  psychic ability. I am here to tell you today that not only does the sixth, but I possess it. I can read your thoughts. Observe: You want to know how to become a psychic, and so I will tell you. I also see that your star sign is Virgo or Aries and that you are in your mid 20’s, male, and slightly overweight. When you are murdered your body will be found in a wooded area, near a body of water. Cool huh? And now here is a list of all the psychic powers.


This is the ability to read people’s thoughts. A telepathist can’t control minds or create new thoughts, they can only read them.

Think of your mind as a newspaper in the library. The telepathist can turn the pages and read today’s stories, but he can’t take your brain home or take pages out because of those stupid wooden blocks they attach to the pages. Sometimes they are laminated too, so good luck doing the junior jumble unless you want to copy it onto a separate sheet.

Pet Telepathy

Pet Telepathy
There is no such thing as pet telepathy. Anyone who claims to be a pet psychic is a fraud and a huckster. Anyway, if you want to know what your cat is thinking I can easily tell you. Here are a cat’s thoughts organized by the percentage of time it will be thinking them:
  • 2% “I am going to eat this food”
  • 2% “I am going to go to the bathroom in this sand and bury it”
  • 6% “I am going to scratch these prized possessions”
  • 5% “I’ll wander around meowing for no reason!”
  • 5% “HEECCCHHHKK! HEECCCHHHKK!" (sick on the rug)
  • 80% “Zzzzz…”


Necromancy This power has been glamorized in the media. Necromancers are not able to raise or command the dead; this is just ridiculous! But what they can do is speak with the dead and get their side of the story or their opinions about hot-buttons issues such as abortion or the death penalty.

Imagine having a conversation with an aborted fetus or a lethally-injected child murderer about the very issued that affect(ed) them. Yes, that most certainly would be a conversation which would take place.


Seer No, not the kind you do with your eyes silly; the kind you do with your mind! Seers are able to visualize people, places, and items without actually being there to see them. This is helpful in more situations than you might think. Let’s say your daughter was kidnapped; what are you going to do about it, call the cops? Hahahaha! That's a good one. All they're gonna to do is listen to your story, fill out some paperwork, and organize a nationwide search and rescue effort utilizing all the latest in technology such as freeway signs, television, radio, internet sites, teams of criminal investigators, and press conferences. Good luck with that. I say consult a seer instead.


SoothsayerSoothsayers, um, soothsay the future. This just boils down to predicting disasters, such as when the end of the world will occur, and they may also predict…uh…other…things?

That one soothsayer predicted that Ceasar was going to be killed, but I'm not sure if that was real or not. It could've just been in the book. Anyway, all he said was something about the ides of march. Nobody even knows what he meant.

Honestly I can’t really come up with anything soothsayers can predict though. I guess this means they’re specialists in their field. Good job soothsayers. As a token of my gratitude please allow me to present you with this textual cookie: O

Bonus Q&A Section

Q. Help! I took my Schnauzer Muttley to a pet psychic and they said he was depressed, so I bought him some doggy antidepressants. Now, he is out of control. He has begun hanging around with the wrong pack; popping doggy benzadrines and smoking doggy marijuana, and I fear he might move on to harder dog drugs. What should I do!?

A. Ah, do you see now what I was saying about pet psychics? These people are not qualified to diagnose or cure any animal illnesses like a vet is. Unfortunately (like in this case with your dog) a pet psychic prescribed your dog antidepressants, which are a well-known gateway pet drug. If you don’t stop this cycle of addiction now, your dog might begin experimenting with pooch heroin, CLSD (Canine LSD), or mutt cocaine. Lock him in his kennel with a bowl of water and a rawhide chew, and don’t let him out for a week, no matter what you hear from inside.

Q. Aren’t psychics just people who prey on the weak or simpleminded in order to make tons of money?

A. No, that isn’t right. You might be thinking of someone else.
Pope Mobile
Screw that "trusting in The Lord" shit;
I’m getting a bulletproof car!

Famous Psychics

Sylvia Browne

Sylvia Browne Sylvia Brown is a 100% real psychic. I have had a private investigator follow her and he claimed to have seen her performing spectacular acts on numerous occasions (sending storm troopers clattering down hallways with a wave of her palm, flying a crop duster blindfolded, and single-handedly lifting a small car in order to save a delicious Wendy’s Double Bacon Burger that had become pinned underneath). Amazing.

Also the investigator said he got a picture of her boob but I didn't look. Who wants to see a thing like that?

John Edwards

John Edwards I suspect that John Edwards is a fake. If only because he looks more like a figure skater who has been to glamour shots than a psychic.

Psychics are fat, moist, and jolly. They often have an eye patch, are known to wear a lot of clattering costume jewelry and loud multicolored clothing, and often wear a bandanna around their head. This may also describe an effeminate pirate king. But either way John Edwards does not fit the description. Case closed.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies

Strange Zombies The psychic in this movie is an idiot like I have never seen. She works as a fortune teller, and all she even does is hypnotize people with one of those swirling things and turns them into her slaves.

Then she has the slaves murder other ugly carnies and random people on the street.

I don’t see the point.


What the heck? This show isn’t even about psychics. Get rid of it.

Bonus Q&A (Round 2)

Q. Hey! Tell me the names of some more famous psychics or I’ll kill you!

A. OK, OK, I don’t want any trouble! Here:


Professor X Professor
Cop from Stupid Show Heroes Heroes Cop
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil

Pet Telepathists



Sylvia Browne Sylvie Browne
Lassie Lassie
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil


Nostradamus Nosty
Cat from Early Edition Early Edition Cat
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil

And that's the end of that. I think I've taught you people a fair bit about psychics and their powers. I hope you've gained some respect for this little understood profession, and next time you see a psychic walking down the street, think about tipping your hat to them. They'll appreciate the gesture. And if you've got any questions of your own, feel free to EMAIL IN and ask them; I'll post them here as long as they don't contain too many ethnic slurs.