Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 3: More Table Manners

Tabble Manners 2
Alright, I figured I had better continue my series on social graces around the world because I hear some of you people are still being very impolite. I heard one guy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while breakfasting in Bolivia, and another set his fork down parallel to the table (instead of perpendicular) after sucking down a tube steak in France. What are you thinking?! You asked for it, and now you’ve got it, pal: More stuff about table manners.

Part 1 - Restrooms
Part 2 - Table Manners
Part 3 - More Table Manners
Part 4 - Japanese Culture



France



French Food


  • Meat should never be cut with a knife and fork. It is customary to grasp a piece of meat tightly with both hands and tear at it wildly while crouching on the table or a high stool. If another diner approaches or attempts to take the meat from you, snap at them and begin to urinate submissively.

  • It is considered bad manners to talk with your mouth full of food. Spit the food on the table before you speak.

Mouth Full

  • Do not, under any circumstances, put ice in your wine. Wine will served at the temperature some sour-faced and joyless European believes it is meant to be served at. What, are you one of those people who believe each individual should be allowed the freedom to enjoy food and beverage in any way they wish because everyone’s tastes and needs will surely be different? What an ass.

  • When you’ve emptied your liquor glass, it is considered extremely impolite to ask for more. Signify you would like more by toppling off your chair and lying splayed out and giggling on the floor with your hand down your pants.  




Kenya



Kenyan Dinner


  • You should always use only your right hand when eating or receiving food. What’s that you say? You recently suffered a massive stroke and subsequently lost the use of the entire right side of your body? Well I suppose you’ll just starve then won’t you! There’s no excuse for rudeness.

  • It usually isn’t considered proper to give out “bites” of food to other people at the table. If you must do this though, the correct method of transferring food is to place the item between your thumb and forefinger and then gently place into in the mouth of the other person while whispering “Oh yeeeah… you like that? Mmmmmmm, it tastes good doesn’t it? Uhhhnnnnn…..”

Feeding Guy

  • Hey! Put down that salt and pepper! You aren’t to use that! In fact, don’t ever use any condiments. EVER! Do you know how insulting it is to the cook when you season your food? He’s extremely sensitive; a regular basket case. In fact, I’m not sure why we even have condiments on the table at all. Here, let me just sweep everything off the table and into this dumpster here. There. Now we can enjoy our bland meal without hurting the huge whimpering infant of a cook’s precious feelings.




Japan



Japanese


When in Japan, it’s probably best not to even eat at all. Pretty much anything you do besides sitting and staring at the wall is considered a grievous insult. Here, just look at this (abridged) list of things which are considered shameful and insulting in Japan:

  • Lightly clinking your spoon against the bottom of your cereal bowl
  • Looking at your host
  • Refusal to look at your host
  • Standing under eaves in the rain
  • Staring disaffectedly out the window of any vehicle
  • Petting a dog without its permission
  • Showing affection towards handicapped children
  • Gesturing in any manner with the hands
  • Refusal to enjoy animated child pornography
  • Shouting for help
  • Swallowing food too loudly
  • Throwing gum wrappers into the urn containing the ashes of a host’s treasured relative





Mexico



Sombrero Bros


  • During a dinner, be ready for the occasional “hand check”. This is a Mexican custom in which the host will cry out “Hand Check!” and each person at the table should raise both hands into the air. This is done to ensure that none of diners are fondling or probing themselves inappropriately during a meal. The last person to raise their hands (or anyone who fails to raise them) is said to be “Un Gato Caliente” and will be shunned for the remainder of the meal (and possibly desert).

  • Try to resist the urge to refer to the other diners as “Pancho” or “Chachi”, even though you were CLEARLY just joking around and for some reason those uptight Mexicans just got offended by it and really you aren’t racist if they would just get to know you and you even had a Mexican girlfriend once or at least she seemed Mexican. On second thought she might’ve been Italian or something.

Mexican or Italian?

  • Don’t hit or knock on an empty plate, as it is considered “calling for the devil”. Can you believe that?! I mean, what is this, the 17th century all of a sudden? I would do it and see if it freaks anyone out. If you could get someone to flick off the lights right after you did it and smash a glass on the floor while screaming “El Diablo! El Diablo!” Man, would I ever love to see the look on those Mexican’s faces when you did that!




Alright, I think I’ve just about covered every country in the world now (how many are there now, about 20?) so I’m sure you have more than enough information about table manners around the world. Enjoy your collective meals.