How To Finance a New Car (Threatening Your Way to a Great APR)

This is Part 2 of something related to buying cars. I can't exactly remember what the actual title of it was so this will have to do. Part 1 is BACK HERE in case you missed it. We are now going to discuss financing. And because I can't exactly define this word without boring myself to death, let's just say it's the part where you pay for the car.

After I’ve found a car I like, how do I go about bargaining with the salesperson to come to a good price?

A. It’s important to follow proper dealer procedure when beginning the bargaining process. First you must tear off the informational paper on the window of the car of your choice, and run towards the main office waving it excitedly above your head while shouting “I want it I want it I want it!” Then the bargaining begins.

ScamsQ. What about all these special offers I see on TV commercials? Are they scams?

A. Most of the time they are. Many dealers claim to offer things like “Low interest rates to qualified customers” or try to tell you that “Shorter term loans save you money in the long-run”. If the salesman talks about either of these things, laugh right in their face. Then spit in it. DEMAND a 72 month (or 96 month if it is available) loan with a higher interest rate. These will look better on your credit report. It shows you've got spunk.

ThreatsQ. Am I allowed to threaten the dealer to try to get a better offer?

A. You can do anything you want! Some people might tell you that the only thing you should "threaten" the dealer with is a “Walk Out”, but my feeling is that this is too tame. Threats are the only thing these beasts really understand. If you are going to threaten, be sure to escalate slowly.

Start by by doing things like looking at a picture on their desk and saying “Boy, that sure is a lovely family you have there, it would be a shame if something happened to them”. Work up from there. If things really go south, you can always beat the hell out of them and demand their wallet. As they huddle on the floor, their clothes soaked in their own sweat and urine, take out their driver’s license, look at it, and slowly read their name and address aloud. Throw the wallet onto them, and walk out, saying “I’ll be back you piece of s***.”

ExcitedQ. Just how excited should I act about getting a car? Shouldn't I pretend not to care?

A. Are you kidding?! You’re getting a new car! It's great! Don’t be afraid to scream with joy, or wriggle your toes in delight. If you have a close girlfriend or boyfriend, call them up during the process and tell them every little thing that is happening. “He’s asking me about trim levels”, “He’s explaining about the APR”, etc. Then, you should probably propose to them, which should really give them (and the salesperson) a thrill. If they say no, simply call them the C-word and hang up. It’s their loss.

Rush ThemQ. My friend told me I shouldn't seem like I'm in a rush or the dealer will take advantage of me. Is this true?

A. No. Salespeople are skittish creatures. They expect the customers to pore over every little piece of information and dispute each price and service. Don’t play this game. If you are offered any piece of paper: DO NOT READ IT. Simply sign immediately and slide it back across the table at them while wiping at your nose with your sleeve and tapping your fingers on the table while saying “come onnn man, come onnnnn”.

Kiss SalesmanQ. What's the proper way to seal the deal once we've come to an agreement? A Handshake?

A. While it might seem odd to you, giving your salesperson a little peck on the cheek or upper thigh is actually a very common way of saying “thank you” in the sales community. Give it a try! If you play your cards right, you might just walk out of there with more than a new car.

That should be more than enough information to send you on your merry car-buying way. Just remember that once you walk onto that lot, you are the king. Clap your hands, make unreasonable demands, and feel free to talk down to the employees, because hey, you’ve earned it!