Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot

BigfootIt’s surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him, and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains or something.

And while the vast majority of these claims are likely just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.



Science

BigfeetWhoa, whoa, whoops. It looks like I accidentally typed the word “Science” up there in the heading. My mistake. I think what I actually meant to write was “Unsubstantiated word-of-mouth testimony from mentally perturbed Cat Ladies and ridiculous pseudoscientific studies published by grizzled old prospectors with little to no scientific background or accreditation”. Yeah, that must’ve been it, because I’m sure as hell wouldn’t even come close to describing any of the “evidence” of Bigfoot’s existence as scientific.

In fact, Bigfoot reminds me a lot of the Loch Ness Monster in this way. Most of the weirdoes who spent their high school years playing pen and paper H.P. Lovecraft role playing games alone in basements will skip college and immediately grow a huge white beard and move on to “researching” Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster while occasionally sticking their hand down their sweatpants and then pulling it out to sniff it. This crap must be ingrained in white trash DNA or something.  

But yeah, you’ll find no science here; just the pungent aroma of loneliness and a mild to moderate (but mostly harmless) dementia.


Evidence

Oh please. Here’s all they’ve got:

Grainy Video of Tall Clumsy Guy in Cheap Ape Suit Walking Around

Bigfoot VideoEveryone has seen this stupid video. Bigfoot walks from left to right across the frame, glances at the camera like “What?” and then continues on his way.

It was always funny to me the way he walks. It’s like the guy in the suit made an artistic decision that it would be far too obvious to pretend be ape-like, so instead, he walks normally. So instead of some sinister ape creature huffing through the forest we get a Bigfoot who strolls deliberately across the frame like Al Gore heading to pick up a Frisbee somebody just threw over his head.


WoodsSome People Who Said They Saw One

As with all of the other monster sightings throughout the history of mankind, there isn’t really much to be said about this evidence.

A bunch of washed-up hippies in the woods drank too much, ate some mushrooms, and claimed to have seen a monkey monster. Yeah that’ll hold up in court.


Recordings of Animal Sounds

Beardy!I actually found a Bigfoot site which has compiled all of the supposed Bigfoot sounds, but I’m not going to post them here for a couple of reasons. The first is that the site which hosts the sounds is one of those fourteen-year-old Geocities pages with a black background and impossible-to-read green text, so obviously I can’t imbed any of them here.

The second reason I won’t post them here is because it would be a waste of everyone’s time. If you really want to hear animals howling in the wilderness while some shirtless drunk guy with a wild beard and a tape recorder rambles on about Bigfoot, I would suggest that you go camping with my dad sometime. But I wouldn't waste your time listening to these sounds.


Pop Culture & Destruction

Harry HendersonI guess I’m supposed to talk about famous Bigfoots in popular culture and how to kill a Bigfoot in these two final sections, but I don’t really much point in doing that.

The only popular Bigfoot I can think of was Harry from Harry & The Hendersons (a show in which a family hits a Bigfoot with their station wagon and decides to bring him home to live with them), but I think I’ll save that gold mine of ridiculousness for a later article.

And how do you kill Bigfoot? I think the only way to do would be to bring compulsory education and forced mental counseling into rural areas.

Good luck to anyone who wants to try that.

Also, here are my other MONSTER GUIDES if you feel like reading them. I don't think you should but I won't try to tell you what to do.