Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide
By Henry
For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Part 1 - Werewolves
Part 1.5 - Werewolf Q&A
Part 2 - Mummies
Part 3 - Vampires


Science
Science
There hasn’t been much research done in the field of vampires. This might have something to do with them not existing, but I’m not sure. Luckily, I was able to discover a lot of little-known or secret information on vampires using my research methods (typing “vampires” into a search engine and clicking random results). Here are some of the most common methods in which a vampire is said to be created.


Bitten by Another Vampire
Bitten
This doesn’t seem too serious, or likely. Do you realize how difficult it is to bite some passerby on the street? Go ahead and try it sometime, you’ll have a facefull of mace or a crotchfull of foot before you even get close. Now try it while dressed in a tuxedo and a cape. Man, you’ll be in the back of a squad car the second you step out of the house.


Corpsejumping
Dog Jump
Some ancient cultures feared that if an animal such as a cat or dog jumped over a corpse it would turn into a vampire. Perhaps it was thought that the fur of these animals contained some kind of necromantic dust which would have been sprinkled on the body as the animal flew. Whether or not this was true, I don’t really think this would be a difficult problem to deal with. Don’t just leave dead bodies lying around on the ground where any old beast can go jumping all over them. Problem solved.


Bitten By Bat While Carrying Absurd and Inexplicable Immortality Virus in Bloodstream
Bat Bite
Anyone unfortunate enough to have accidentally viewed the film Underworld may be familiar with this film’s explanation for the origin of vampires, which is:

A long time ago some guy survived a plague that killed everyone else in town. Instead of causing seeping pus-filled buboes on his armpits and groin, it made him magical and immortal for no apparent reason whatsoever. In his grief, he climbed over the festering and mushy corpses of his friends and family and began having sex with some lady while sobbing. They had three kids. Two of them began a strict regimen of woodland creature taunting, which resulted in one being bitten by a bat and the other being bitten by a wolf.

I guess this is supposed to explain the origins of vampires and werewolves, but mostly it makes me wish for a true sequel to the film. In this sequel (perhaps it could be called Underworld 1.5) each person involved in the making of Underworld would be lashed with lengths knotted rope and then thrown from scaffolding into a busy intersection. Nobody ever seems to make the movie I want to see though.



Evidence
Evidence
Here is some of the amazing evidence I uncovered:

Anyone who had a hideous appearance, was missing a finger, or had ANIMAL APPENDAGES, etc. was believed to be a vampire.

Boy there must have been some kind of impressive inbreeding going on here. I think that whether or not someone is a vampire is the least important issue when they have a badger’s arm, hedgehog legs, or hooves.

Even plants could become vampires. Pumpkins or melons kept in the house too long would start to move, make noises or show blood.

Vegetables turning into vampires, huh? If I can forgive that this “fact” doesn’t even follow basic vampire logic (leaving something sitting out causes vampirism?), I would still like to know how exactly a vampire pumpkin is supposed to be dangerous. The worst it could do is roll off of a table and make a mess, and how scary is that? Though I do have to admit that a chill sometimes runs up my spine when inanimate objects cause minor inconveniences. Go ahead! Call me a coward if you want, I can take it.



Pop Culture
Culture
Vampires are about as bad as werewolves when it comes to their representation in popular culture. These days most films which feature vampires are as dumb as the people who enjoy them. Don’t believe me? Here are some actual unedited customer reviews of popular vampire films. I think they speak for themselves:

Blade Trinity: If you are a fan of the Blade series, you’ll love this movie. Wesley is great as usual. And man..you have got to check out Jessica…she is sooo HOT! She really got in great shape for this movie. The first time I ever saw Jessica was in the movie Texas Chainsaw massacure and she looked good in that movie too with the low cut jeans on. But I digress…..Balde Trinity is a GREAT movie.

Blade Costume

Queen of the Damned: I am in love with this movie, I loved it so much i bought the books! and interveiw with the vampire 9it is dull im comparrison to this magnificant film!) Stuart Townsand is so hot in this movie he'll make you want to eneter the dark world! :P

Interview with the Vampire: i loved this. tom cruise did a great job and it was well made. bradd pitt plays a vampire and so does tom cruise.

Tommy Cruise

The Lost Boys: 5 words: You have to see this movie!!!!



Destruction
DEsctuction

Garlic
Vampire Garlic
Vampires apparently don’t like garlic so it will probably kill one. I wouldn’t just throw a piece of garlic though; that would probably just make them mad.

Stake in Heart
Stake Heart
Stab a stake through a vampire’s heart and it dies, right? Well it isn’t that simple. I guess you have to do it during the day while they’re asleep in their coffin. This would involve breaking and entering which, in case you haven’t heard, is against the law. A vampire’s home is his castle (even literally in this case) and I couldn’t condone you violating his privacy, so find another way.

Desecration of Corpse
Bernie Corpse
This is more of a preemptive strike against a vampire before it has arisen. In simpler times, gypsies would do things like stabbing needles into a corpse, putting metal in its mouth, pouring boiling water on it, decapitating it, or just torching the thing. So if a loved-one has just died and you want to make sure they don’t turn into a vampire, remember: Better safe than sorry!



Now that you know more than you would ever care to know about vampires, feel free to go weep in a damp corner somewhere. Can't say I would blame you after reading all that.

Vampire