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By Henry

The Jungles of the world may seem like a lively and fun place to visit,
but they can seem cold and uninviting when you are lost inside one.
This is part 2 of my survival series, and here I will give you the
inside scoop on how you can survive being lost in the jungle. This
article will also not contain the phrase “Lions and tigers and
bears, oh my!” because it is ridiculous. The jungle has no bears
except if you count koala bears or pandas. Are they jungle bears?
Probably.

Part 1 – Bears

Part 2 – Jungles

Part 3 – Mountains

Part 4 – Urban

Part 5 – Island

Traveling Tips

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Keep Out

This first tip might seem obvious, but it might be good for shut-ins
and children to read: The easiest way to survive in the jungle is to
not go into the jungle. What this means is, if you can, I would walk
around any jungles you come across. Don’t whine and complain just
because it might take a month to walk around the edge of some jungles;
if you do you are a child. You can usually see (and hear) a jungle from
a long ways away and if you do, don’t go in unless it’s
completely necessary. When would it be necessary?

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  1. You are on a boat piloted by Jon Voight and Ice Cube and they
    want to go in. What can you do? You aren’t going to fight Jon
    Voight
  2. You need to go in and rescue a group of researchers that went in
    to study a group of insane and aggressive white gorillas (great idea,
    idiot!)
  3. You are traveling through the jungle up a river up a jungle which
    is supposed to be symbolic of your decent into madness or something

This goes double for those of you who are in aircraft of any kind.
Don’t try to fly into the jungle with a plane because you will
most likely scare away all the animals and beasts of all kinds will
flow into your propeller. No creature deserves this. Well, maybe one of
those a-hole grizzly bears but there definitely none of them around
jungles. I bet that would teach them to tear a man limb from limb if
you sucked a few of them into a jet engine though.

Clothing

What should you wear in a jungle? Well aside from the Khaki short
shorts you should have one of those safari hats and really long knee
socks and khaki short-shorts. Also grow a thick jungle mustache (but no beard
please).

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No no no, thicker!

You've got it all wrong!

I hear it also gets very cold at night in the rainforest so
bring along a winter coat and some furry boots to keep your feet warm.
If you are a nice-looking woman I would ask that you wear only a thin
shirt and that the shirt get all torn up on brambles and things as you
travel. That would be great.

Foraging

If you run out of food you can forage for some, just like in olden
times. There are 3 sources for food: Plants and animals and
hallucinogenic plants. If you aren’t sure about what plants are
safe to eat; just remember this rhyme “Don’t eat any
plants.” For animals, eat whatever you want. I seem to remember
something about brightly colored animals being poisonous too. If you
aren’t sure, lick them first. Hallucinogenic plants should be
your last resort. After you consume them the terrors of the jungle will
either be amplified significantly or dulled until they are meaningless.
Staggering around the jungle screaming racial slurs at giant beetles
might seem preferable to starving to death, but it is important to
remember that beetles have rights too.

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Day & Night

In the day jungles are sweltering hot, sticky, loud, and full of bugs.
But at night, jungles are pitch black, sticky, loud, full of bugs, and
glimmering green and red eyes glare out at you from the darkness. These
eyes could either be harsh natives or a sasquatch (more on these in a later guide) or even giant
spiders. In honor of this, the only way I would travel at night is if
you have Bilbo’s sword Sting, and since this sword is a fictional
object in a book, I think you’d better stick to walking during
the day.

Reference Films

As far as traveling goes there are also a couple of movies you can watch which might prepare you for the horrors of the jungle:

  • Jungle 2 Jungle

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    Home Improvement superstar and ex-con Tim Allen stars in this
    light-hearted version of Tarzan for kids. Tim is a guy who travels to
    the jungle for some reason and kidnaps a native white kid for a slave.
    But it turns out he loves the kid (in a nonsexy way!) and soon they
    begin to ride on rollercoasters and have food fights and finally help
    to foil a ring of jewel thieves. Actually now that I I think about it,
    that stuff was probably from that Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie Getting Even With Dad but who cares.

  • Goodbye Earl

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    This isn’t a movie and it isn’t related to jungles
    (it’s a song by the Dixie Chicks) but I thought I’d put it
    in here because it’s so messed up! The song is a story about this
    mountain trash woman who falls in love with some drunk and gets married
    to him because she obviously isn’t too bright. Then she gets all
    indignant when he starts to abuse her! Like what the hell did you
    expect was going to happen, you dumb broad!? If you go around marrying
    dudes named Earl straight out of high school, you’d better start
    learning to take a few punches if you ask me.

    Anyway, she and her friend decide to get back at the abusive husband,
    so what do they do? They murder him! That’s right, you marry some
    drunk, he beats you up, and so you murder him! Why don’t you kill
    yourself too lady, it’s half your fault! I’m not a big fan
    of guys who slap woman around either, but killing the guy seems to be
    excessive don’t you think?

    Then, after they commit premeditated murder on an innocent man and
    cover it up, they are free to finally live out their dream of opening
    some kind of stand and selling food along the highway. Now you know
    you’re ignorant white trash when your deepest fantasy involves
    murdering an abusive husband and opening a fruit stand. But back to
    jungles:

  • Delta Force 2

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    This film gives you good advice on jungle survival if you are a
    supersoldier. It stars Charles “Chuck” Norris as he runs
    around shooting evil Columbian drug cartel guys with handlebar
    mustaches. Maybe I should clarify: I do not mean that Chuck Norris runs
    around shooting members of a South American drug cartel USING HANDLEBAR
    MUSTACHES as ammunition; but instead that the vast majority of the
    cartel members sport a handlebar mustache, and that they are
    subsequently shot by Chuck Norris. Whether or not this has anything to
    do with the mustaches themselves I cannot say, but I am pretty sure
    that Chuck’s character didn’t have any sort of vendetta
    against men who would choose to wear a handlebar mustache (but could
    you blame him if he did) and that their deaths most likely occur
    because they play bad guys in a Chuck Norris film and thus have no
    recourse but to shoot at Mr. Norris, miss, and then die.

  • Jungle Fever

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    I haven’t seen this movie but as far as I know it has something
    to do with a black guy and a white woman who get lost in the jungle and
    then want to be married. But to their horror, all the animals in the
    jungle council vote against them being allowed to be married because
    interracial marriage is against ape law. Then the two humans escape
    from their cages by bending the bars (the dumb monkeys made them from
    sticks) and run away to the ocean and Charlton Heston screams at the
    Empire State Building. The film is directed by Spike Lee.

Communication

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No tips: You can’t reason with a jungle.
Battle Tips

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No tips: You can’t fight a jungle.

This is the end of Part II in my survival series: Jungles. If you have
any more questions for me feel free to send them in using the contact
form at the bottom of the page, and I will post your question and an
answer. I will also not be ending this section by warning you to
“Be careful” and then adding “it’s a jungle out
there” because if I did I would be a terrible, terrible human
being. Thank you.

Continue to Part 3