How To Escape From The Cops

Escape From Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Let's say you are accused of murdering a young girl, but you did not do it. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being falsely accused of a horrible crime is no laughing matter. You may think that it cannot happen to you, but the sad facts of the truth is that it can. It can and it will. Every year thousands of Americans are probably being falsely accused of crimes they didn't commit, and there is nothing they can do about it but head into their prison cell and bend over to be buttraped by a white powerist. I'm sorry to be so graphic but that's reality.
 
But there is hope! I once read on a popular self-defense website hose who are accused of wrongfulness and did not do it are LEGALLY ALLOWED to escape from police. Most people don't know this, but it is a fact. So I've written up this little ditty to help those non-criminals who are being harassed by police escape to their freedom. Read carefully, you may just save your own life.

 

Words of The Wise

Let me just start out by saying that I don't normally condone this type of behavior, but in some situations it is the right thing to do. As I said, if you are falsely accused of a crime and a policeman is trying to arrest you, you are definitely allowed BY LAW to try to escape. Even if you're caught it'll only help you prove your innocence, because why would a guilty man try to escape? He knows his fate is sealed! One common saying within the policeman's force is "only the innocent run, the guilty accept their punishment." Wise words from wise men.
 
But let's get on with the show were I let you in on some of the best ways to foil smokey when he rolls up behind you with his Cherry-Poppers lit.
 

Take it to the Freeway

FreewayThere's a reason you often see crooks speeding down the freeway during a high-speed chase: It works! Freeways are an amazing way to get up speed (and keep it up) ensuring that you leave those boys-on-blue in the dust!

But remember, this strategy only works if your car's got the muscle to handle it! Trying to outrun a police cruiser in a Dodge Caliber is simply cruisin for a bruisin. But with a hot car like a Honda Civic, Honda CRV, or Honda Challenger, it's a no-brainer! If there's one thing you can't deny: Japan knows how to build cars with spunk on them. So put your petals to the metal and rock your way to freedom!
 
 

Go Off-Road It

Many of us (myself included) choose to drive an SUV Vehicle. The reasons for this should be obvious: Suvies are safer, more comfortable, less prone to rollovers, more reliable, hot sexier, than your average blah-car can manage. But most importantly, suvies can go OFF-ROADIN!
 
Now you might be asking yourselfs right about now, "Hey Baron, but how are all these things going to help me escape the police?" Well I'm glad you asked, because I'm about to drop some knowledge in your mouth right about now. Here's are two (count-em) bodacious ways to outwit the cops in your hot rig:
 

Cop Car Ditch1. Head Up The Dirty Highway

No, I don't mean a highway that hasn't been cleaned recently, dummy, I mean off-road! If you're being tailed by a snoop and want to lose them quick, point your suvie off into a corn field, down a mountain pass, or into a stream. The cop obviously won't be able to follow you, and will quickly give up the ghosts.
 

2. Wait For Golden Showers

In case you couldn't tell, this means wait until it is raining to make your clean getaway. It's commonly known that suvies can perform better under rainy conditions than any other car. This includes police cop cruisers. So do what it takes during a rainstorm to get the heck out of dodge. Slam on the brakes, take a sharp corner at high speed, climb a rain-seeped hill. Unlike your pursuer your 4 wheel drive can handle anything mother nature throws at it, and more!
 

3. Let 'em Come Up Your Backside

Another great thing about the weight of suvies is that you can slam on the brakes and stop at a moments notice. This is great if you're being chased down! Just light up the brakes and let old smokey come barreling right up your tailpipe. Awesome!
 
 

Turn off Your Headlights

Darkened RoadSorry daytime communers, but this little beauty only works at night. This trick is just as simple as it sounds: If it's dark out and you're being followed or chased by police, flip off your headlights. Tell me this: When's the last time you saw a car at night with no headlights on? That's right, never! They CAN'T be seen! So as they might say in those 1960s cop shows: If you're being tailed by Bob Law, flip off your peepers and slide on off the road and into a ditchy-witchy. The fuzzy will roll right on by and you'll be enjoying a double stackaroo at Clown Burger in no time. Roff!
 
Also, if you're lucky and the officers are Kenyan, Jewish, or particularly superstitious, they might even believe the rapture is occurring and will break off the pursuit out of fear! Then you'd truly be able to "thank Jesus" for saving your sorry butt! :) (sorry if I offended any Christians, Moslemists, or Jew with that joke, but sometimes you have to get your hands dirty in the service of great comedy).
 
 

Drive Across County Lines

County LinesMany people scuff the notion that movies can teach us anything about the world. But this is one area where the movies are actually pretty derned true to life! So long as you are not being pursued by what are known as "International Troopers" (a group of elite police with world-wide jurisdiction) you can easily end any police chase simply by driving across the (usually imaginary) border into another town or state. It's as simple as that! Cross the line and your mustached friend in brown will be left to shake his fists at you from the window of his squaddie (police lingo for cop car).
 
The reason this works should be obvious: Police officers have jurisdictions. These are the only areas in which they are allowed to operate. Think of police as butchers. Steve the Butcher doesn't go into Tom the Butcher's shop and fool around with his meat. Separate businesses, separate meats. It's exactly the same with the cops. A sheriff who works for Anderson County is not going to drive across county lines just to pound his meat in the face of a Cook County officer. It's called professional courtesy. Deal with it.
 
 

Lock Your Car Doors

According to Orca's Razor (which I often like to reference) the simplest solution is always the correct one. This is the case with high speed chases as well. Why bother with a high speed chase when simply locking your doors will do? Many people do not realize what an effective tactic this can actually be in deterring the police. So the next time an officer pulls you over, lock your doors and pretend to be asleep. Here's why: The law states that a police officer is NOT LAWFULLY ALLOWED access to your car without either:
 
A. Express Written Permission From You
or
B. A Search Warrant
 
Cop Drink BreakNeedless to say you won't be giving your written permission to him anytime soon (you're sleeping!), and as for the warrant? The officer would either have to call a judge and have him fax over a copy of the warrant to present to you, or he would have to drive to the courthouse to obtain one from a clerk. Neither of which is going to happen. Remain in your car until the cop goes on break (these are mandatory, and all law enforcement officers are REQUIRED by the government to take them) and then drive off into the sunset.
 
And if you ever happen to come across a crooked copper who does try to break in your windows, all the better. You'll be able to sue him (and your state) for constitutional bereavement. Not to mention damage to your public property. Thoughtless to say, you'll have quite a payday at that officer's expense! Take that uncle Sam!  
 
 
 
That should about wrap up my top tips and tricks for avoiding the fuzz. Make sure to keep your boners peeled on this site for the next article in this series in which I discuss surviving your basic police encounters (traffic tickets, rubdowns, etc).

But until then...stay a safe citizen!
 
 
 
Photo Credits
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]